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sbibbers 09-07-2011 11:35 AM

Need some advice and people to talk to
 
Hi. I've really felt bad these couple of days and I thought i'd register here to write down a bit about my feelings. I browsed a lot of sites and you lot seemed like really nice people, which encouraged me to try and write this down here.

I'm a cis-female in her twenties and I'm dating a ftm guy also in his twenties. I met him a year ago and I've been dating him happily and feeling sure he's my guy forever. He brought up his desire for poly a while ago. I've been feeling sort of betrayed and horrible ever since then, because I was sort of assured that he is a really traditional kind of guy. My wilder years are definitely over so I was happy about that. I identify as pan in the sense that im only sexually attracted to a person I'm in love with. (I've had crushes on girls, boys, genderqueers and transfolks alike, but this is the first time I'm really in love with someone) He identifies as bi, and has only been dating one girl before me. He told me that his ideal situation would be me dating someone else while he was also dating a guy because he would like to have an experience with men, and we would both be still happy and love eachother the most. i'm really not comfortable with that though, because I am not attracted to other people and I don't want to have sex or even kiss anyone else. It's the exact opposite with him, he even said that he wouldn't mind me doing that at all, he'd just like me to be happy.

This is awesome and rational to me, I support poly and have friends who are in poly-relationships, but suddenly when I'm faced with it myself, I feel really horrible. I don't understand where he's coming from at all, because even if I have had crushes and sexual feelings about females, I really don't NEED the experience with a female. I UNDERSTAND it logically, but my emotions make me feel terrible, and the feeling of him loving someone else besides me makes me cry uncontrollably. I've already spent the last few days feeling a heavy feeling of dread, and today I'm skipping school because I really want to be alone. I've talked with him and he's been extremely kind to me, but it's gotten to the point where he keeps saying the same things over and over again, but it doesn't make me feel any better. He would still love me the most, but he'd just also like to love someone else. I wouldve probably been allright with him just having a sexual experience with a guy (which would've still made me feel horrible because sex isn't just sex to me, it's something you do with someone you LOVE and TRUST) but the fact that he's really sure that hes gonna fall in love with somebody that he would like to be someone I also like I approve of him dating someone.. I really don't see that happening, I would probably hate them on first sight, just because I would know they are doing things to him I would usually do, and that would make me feel dirty and personally insulted.

I don't really know what to do. My guy thinks that my feelings are because this is my first actual serious relationship with someone. He has dated someone monogamously before, wanted to get married have kids with her, hated the idea of poly blahblah but it turned out to be a disaster, (ironically she wanted to have a threesome with some guy and ended up just cheating on him) now that he's with me, who is really shy and wants just to be comfortable and ALONE with him, he has the idea that poly would be awesome, and that he wants to have experiences with people who he loves. and.. I don't know, I'm really sure at this point that poly is not for me. It just makes me immensely uncomfortable, both the idea of me and him doing it.

I'm not sure if the only choice here is me leaving him, but neither of us want to do that. It's like I'm trapped with nowhere to go without someone getting hurt in the progress. I really love him and am prepared to be with him, but ever since he told me of his poly-ideas, I've felt uncertain and terrible. I reallly, really don't know what to do with this situation. I've been sort of desperate about being able to talk to someone, I'm too scared to ask my poly-friends for help, being anonymous might help me get this out of my system.

Then again, we're both dealing with depression, including him not being finished with his process yet (i really hope there's some lgtb people here knowing what I'm talking about, I can't really register to trans-forums to talk about this..) so maybe it's making me more scared and him more.. I don't know. He has a really tough time all the time so because of my instant crying about this issue it already made him snap at me once but it's okay now.
Depression-wise I'm not so bad anymore but we're both taking anti-depressants anyway. I was diagnosed with panic disorder a few years back, so maybe it's just that kicking in.

Sorry if this is sort of stupid, and if I'm disrespecting anyone here. I'd just like to know that is there any way for me to accept poly or something I need to know about it, or getting rid of jealousy-issues.. (I've had trouble with friendships before because of that shit) but or is it really just me who's in the fault here and who needs to change? Do I really have to break up with him? (I feel like rather dying that doing that) Am I making a big childish deal out of basically nothing? Have we been dating too short of a time to tell, and am I just an inexperienced little girl? I just really want to be as happy as I was before this whole issue started, and I'm scared that there's no turning back to that time ever again. This is sort of a devastating thing for me, I'm really confused and ashamed of being so broken over it, especially since we aren't even doing anything yet, just talking about it.

Huge thank you in advance to anyone who bothers to read (and maybe even reply to) this. I'm almost too scared to post this here, too. -sbibbers

Magdlyn 09-07-2011 01:22 PM

Hi sbibbers, welcome to the forum. I am sorry you feel afraid to share your all too common poly fears with your real life poly friends. I hope the anonymity here works for you for now.

I especially wanted to post because I am a cis-gendered, genderqueer, pansexual poly woman in a long term relationship with a transwoman (who is pansexual and poly as well). We've been together a bit over 2 1/2 years now. She fully came out as trans and started full time hormones (from a dr) and psychological counseling just 3 months before we met. (She was 33, and I was 53 when we met.) (Coincidentally, 3 months before she and I met, I split with my straight husband after being together over 30 years... long story...)

Let me just address the issues surrounding loving a transperson. It ain't easy! People in the early part of transition are like adolescents in many ways. My gf, miss pixi, can seem like a 12 year old some days, and her actual age other days.

Together, we've been to several conferences related to gender transitions. It seems the partners of transmen have it even harder than I do with my tgirl. Testosterone is so overwhelming. I have heard transmen say that it makes the them *really* focused on strong sexual feelings. Some of the tmen even say testosterone (T) makes it hard for them to think of anything besides sex, especially right after a shot.

So, perhaps that is part of your guy's issues. He is feeling randy, and his sex drive, his happy lust, is extending out into the entire world, not just reserved for you.

I see a bit of naivete in him saying he wants other love relationships, but telling you of course he'd never love anyone else as much as he loves you. Love grows at its own rate. Of course he might love another as much as he loves you, but in a different way, as a parent loves her children equally. In poly, this is accepted and embraced and celebrated. More love=more happiness for all parties involved.

I hear you saying you wish things could go back to a mono arrangement with you and your guy. Nostalgia is a bitch. Future uncertainty is super difficult to deal with.

Know that jealousy can be worked on and eventually translated into compersion. It was a trusting loving act for your guy to come clean to you about his poly feelings. Loving him through his gender transition and poly transition is your lot now. Is he worth it? Only you can determine that.

Fondly, Mags

sbibbers 09-07-2011 04:34 PM

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, Magdlyn. I feel lucky that there's a person here who can relate.

I will probably try and talk to my friends later on. Right now I feel so scared and confused. I've tried to get him to talk to his friends too, neither of us have really opened our mouths about the issue with anyone else and we feel that we both need some advice and reassurance.

I've noticed that loving a trans-person is very hard. And I'm so thankful that you know what you're talking about, I'm the opposite of a lustful person so the day when he starts taking T seems kind of scary to me. He's very tired and apathetic at this moment of his life and I really want him to get the body he deserves, and having his hormones settled down will do him a world of awesome. I have some other trans friends and seeing the change in them is also pretty cool.

He is uncertain whether or not he will be interested in poly. (Isn't it obvious that he will if he's already preparing me for his possible poly-relationships? He keeps saying that nothing is certain yet but for me it's obvious that he can't just say this stuff and then just not do it, there's a reason why it has been brought up) It's just that he doesn't want to have sex un-emotionally, he must have a love behind it. He feels that having sex with someone and then just dumping them is wrong. In my burst of selfishness and panic told him that does he really have to get involved emotionally with someone else, and he didn't understand my point. The emotional part feels more like hurtful for me than any sort of emotionless sex would.

This is actually not a poly-related thing, but one of my other issues is wondering whether or not he will be completely gay after taking T. He has been wondering about it himself, because he has heard of a lot of his friends turning super-gay after taking shots. I'm really scared that he will stop being sexually attracted to me entirely and will have to go for other people for sex, and just be with me romantically. That would really break my heart, but it's another issue I just have to work out. It's really just another concern I have, and I've planned having a talk with this other cis-girl who dates a trans-guy.

It does feel really hard. I have this strain above me all the time that does not let go, I'm worried what happens in a few years and even he can't answer all of my questions, he can't be sure what happens after he starts taking shots. It feels painful being uncertain about the future.

I feel that we are both a bit naive. I'm the worse one, because I'm so romantic and simple in a way. It might be our downfall because we can't have what we want because the world doesn't work that way. I'm feeling really desperate because I can see a future with him but it just might not work if we have such different views of the world and can't understand eachother.

I definitely need some time. And more self-confidence. I feel really shitty acting like this about this ordeal, it's making him angry and sad because of course he is frustrated that I can't just stop crying and understand this and just wait what will happen in a few years. I know the only choice is just keep dating until he starts taking T and then see where it takes both of us. I'm just scared it's something I can't handle, and it will be even worse in the future. I just.. really, REALLY don't want to break up with him over something that hasn't even happened yet. But the day when he would come home and tell me that he's in love with someone else feels like a fist over my heart so bad that I'm so, so scared.

Thank you again magdlyn for writing me things. It provoked some thoughts. I have a really pessimistic view over this issue after reading these forums, I feel more and more like there's no way for me to handle this because I really can't relate to anything poly, it feels impossible. I have a bad habit of slipping into desperation though, I don't know what I need right now. But thank you.

Magdlyn 09-07-2011 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sbibbers (Post 101073)
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, Magdlyn. I feel lucky that there's a person here who can relate.

I am always glad to talk to another partner of a transperson as well! There is not much support for us out there. All the support goes to the transppl themselves, with some little support to their parents or children, very little to their actual lovers who are most intimate with them!

Quote:

I've noticed that loving a trans-person is very hard. And I'm so thankful that you know what you're talking about, I'm the opposite of a lustful person so the day when he starts taking T seems kind of scary to me.
Hehe, its kind of the opposite with us. Since I no longer produce much estrogen, my hormonal state seems to be like that of a 18 year old boy. miss pixi's sex drive is erratic. She is pre-op and very ambivalent about her genitals. Plus her emotions and (lack of) self esteem get in the way.

But if you are not a strongly sexual person, there might be a disconnect there when his T shots start kicking in... are you prepared for that?

Quote:

He's very tired and apathetic at this moment of his life and I really want him to get the body he deserves, and having his hormones settled down will do him a world of awesome. I have some other trans friends and seeing the change in them is also pretty cool.
Oh, so he's not actually on T yet. Is he in therapy? When does he think he'll start T?

Quote:

He is uncertain whether or not he will be interested in poly. (Isn't it obvious that he will if he's already preparing me for his possible poly-relationships? He keeps saying that nothing is certain yet but for me it's obvious that he can't just say this stuff and then just not do it, there's a reason why it has been brought up) It's just that he doesn't want to have sex un-emotionally, he must have a love behind it. He feels that having sex with someone and then just dumping them is wrong. In my burst of selfishness and panic told him that does he really have to get involved emotionally with someone else, and he didn't understand my point. The emotional part feels more like hurtful for me than any sort of emotionless sex would.
As you read the board here, you'll see that. Some people are more threatened by the sex, others by the emotions involved.

Quote:

This is actually not a poly-related thing, but one of my other issues is wondering whether or not he will be completely gay after taking T. He has been wondering about it himself, because he has heard of a lot of his friends turning super-gay after taking shots. I'm really scared that he will stop being sexually attracted to me entirely and will have to go for other people for sex, and just be with me romantically. That would really break my heart, but it's another issue I just have to work out. It's really just another concern I have, and I've planned having a talk with this other cis-girl who dates a trans-guy.
Odd. Because some transwomen who were formerly into women (or both) go for guys only after transition... what is it about the allure of the almighty phallus? :p This has not been our case. miss pixi is as firmly pansexual now as she was before starting full time hormones. Of course, I've got a strong male side... maybe that helps? (I'm not butch, I am at most, a soft butch, but usually just look like a regular women... not real femme, just kind of womanly. I don't usually wear makeup and never wear heels.)

Quote:

It does feel really hard. I have this strain above me all the time that does not let go, I'm worried what happens in a few years and even he can't answer all of my questions, he can't be sure what happens after he starts taking shots. It feels painful being uncertain about the future.

I feel that we are both a bit naive. I'm the worse one, because I'm so romantic and simple in a way. It might be our downfall because we can't have what we want because the world doesn't work that way. I'm feeling really desperate because I can see a future with him but it just might not work if we have such different views of the world and can't understand eachother.

I definitely need some time. And more self-confidence. I feel really shitty acting like this about this ordeal, it's making him angry and sad because of course he is frustrated that I can't just stop crying and understand this and just wait what will happen in a few years. I know the only choice is just keep dating until he starts taking T and then see where it takes both of us. I'm just scared it's something I can't handle, and it will be even worse in the future. I just.. really, REALLY don't want to break up with him over something that hasn't even happened yet. But the day when he would come home and tell me that he's in love with someone else feels like a fist over my heart so bad that I'm so, so scared.

Thank you again magdlyn for writing me things. It provoked some thoughts. I have a really pessimistic view over this issue after reading these forums, I feel more and more like there's no way for me to handle this because I really can't relate to anything poly, it feels impossible. I have a bad habit of slipping into desperation though, I don't know what I need right now. But thank you.
Keep pouring it out to process. Yes, you do seem naive, but if you keep at it, you'll do nothing but grow and become more enlightened about gender issues and poly eventually.

Anneintherain 09-07-2011 05:54 PM

I don't have any great advice to give you, but I wanted to tell you not to be so hard on yourself. You have the right to be feeling all the things you are feeling, but you shouldn't feel shitty, you're not MAKING him feeling angry and sad, you are doing your best with a situation you didn't ask for or expect.

You're not an "inexperienced little girl" if you don't want to be poly, or don't know if you poly could work for you. What I might focus on now is reading some polyamory books (both of you should read the same one(s) and maybe discuss a chapter at a time to see just where you stand on the ideas in them), keep reading forums, and take it slow. Maybe you might be open to trying a mono-poly relationship if it seems he wants to date other people and you don't, and maybe that just isn't for you. At least it doesn't seem like he's desiring to rush into anything, so you both have plenty of time to think and discuss the options.

good luck. *hug*

sbibbers 09-07-2011 11:14 PM

.. man, I wrote a really huge reply, and this browser deleted it.. oh well.. I just wanted to thank you, Anne, for making me feel a lot better. We talked a lot of things today with my boyfriend and I feel optimistic now. It's just the thing that I imagine a lot of dark things in my head and make things worse than they are, but when I just see the reality as it is, which isn't that bad, I realize that I'm making a lot out of nothing. Not saying that I didn't deserve to feel bad, but I'm happy that I'm happier now.

I'm still scared though. But I have many years to spend with him and think about this (or just forget about it entirely until it comes up again, if I need to), and who knows, maybe I can somehow accept it so well that I can try it out too. He brought up a good point, that I'm somehow imagining that he would pick up a random hot stranger from the street and start dating them, but what I think is awesome is that he wants to date a person we have both known a while. And I can actually see myself maybe trying out poly in this sort of way! I can already think of a few guy-friends of ours I would not mind seeing him date, because they are harmless, cute, and really nice. I'm just imagining this hot beastial vixen man-babe with chiseled abs and an amazing dick and it makes me feel really bad, but I don't know where that stuff is coming from?!

When I was a teenager, and quit anti-depressants for a while, my hormones started rolling around again after being stunted for years of meds, I was crushing on everyone I met and was dreaming of dating everyone at once.. but once I started dating him, all those thoughts were gone and I started dreaming of having kids and living together on the countryside.. you know. I was glad to have calmed down after years of confusion and panic attacks. This all just feels too confusing to include into my life.

But as I said.. I have optimistic feelings for now. I felt earlier today that the world is going to end, but I'm starting to calm down.. although I'm honestly scared. And I would be really happy if he was monogamous instead, so things would be easier. But I don't know, this can turn out any way possible.. and I can change in the next few years drastically, and so might he. We'll see.

Thanks again!

Magdlyn 09-07-2011 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sbibbers (Post 101149)
.. man, I wrote a really huge reply, and this browser deleted it.

Make sure to click on the "remember me" box when you sign in or the board times you out.


Quote:

what I think is awesome is that he wants to date a person we have both known a while. And I can actually see myself maybe trying out poly in this sort of way! I can already think of a few guy-friends of ours I would not mind seeing him date, because they are harmless, cute, and really nice. I'm just imagining this hot beastial vixen man-babe with chiseled abs and an amazing dick and it makes me feel really bad, but I don't know where that stuff is coming from?!
We all do that! We always imagine the new lover will be this amazing super star, and not just a normal person like us!

Quote:

When I was a teenager, and quit anti-depressants for a while, my hormones started rolling around again after being stunted for years of meds, I was crushing on everyone I met...
Oh, so it's your meds that is suppressing your libido. And your bf, he's on antidepressants as well.

Quote:


But as I said.. I have optimistic feelings for now. I felt earlier today that the world is going to end, but I'm starting to calm down.. although I'm honestly scared. And I would be really happy if he was monogamous instead, so things would be easier. But I don't know, this can turn out any way possible.. and I can change in the next few years drastically, and so might he. We'll see.

Thanks again!
So glad just posting your fears here has helped. :)


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