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-   -   Separation anxiety (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=143)

mellsey 03-31-2009 12:46 PM

Separation anxiety
Every weekend my husband and I get together with our poly couple. Now keep in mind both couples have two children each, so there is a total of 8 of us, and our children do not know our lifestyle, so any affection or togetherness is hiden. We have made it a rule that there is no "intimacy" when the kids are in the house, but being together as one family is all we need. We have all agreed we are more relaxed and better rested when we are all together. The only problem with that is after being together in one house for the whole weekend, we have to separate and go on with our own lives. We live 28 miles apart and we do talk throughout the day and every night to say good night. My question for anyone who has gone through this is how do you deal with the separation anxiety? Does it get any easier? I know it would make things a lot simpler if our children knew and we did live all together in one big house, yes in a perfect world, sad part is this is not a perfect world. One day our children will know and things will be easier, but for now we are just trying to get through what we need to one day at a time. Thanks

Lemondrop 04-20-2009 10:30 PM

Mellsey, are you MY poly couple? :D

That's completely my situation. Right down to how far apart we live. For the last year, every weekend we pack up and move into the other couple's home, going home only when we have to. I tried to discuss polyamory with my 14yo son once, and he wouldn't talk to me for hours, so I can't help with telling the kids about it. Right now wife#2 and I get together once or twice during the week, but we're homeschooling and that will change in the fall so I know things will get harder. We call the other couple almost every day and I facebook with them all the time. I doubt I have any good advice for you, but do know that I sympathize.

Here is what I hope: Gradually, over time, we will become more affectionate in front of the kids. I hope that if we don't show any shame about what we're doing, our kids will grow up knowing that this is a natural, loving relationship, and then we can tell them.

yoxi 04-24-2009 11:33 AM

I guess there's always potential for tension between what the kids experience at home about the nature and value of your relationships, and what they hear from peers and the media and culture in general outside of home about what's 'acceptable', and how they preceive themselves as fitting into their culture when they have 'non-standard' parents. Not always easy all round.

Lemondrop 04-30-2009 04:15 AM

Mellsey, I wanted to let you know we told my oldest child today. He's 14, almost 15, and had been making quite a lot of noise that he didn't approve of what I was "up to". My quad is still hashing out some issues, and the other day he caught me with my arm around husband #2 (just a hug!) and tried to pull him away from me. Today, I was talking privately with my DH when husband #2 arrived unexpectedly. DS answered the door, then locked the screen door, double-locked the front door, and came and turned the lock on my bedroom door. Sooooo...after wife #2 showed up and we had a talk, she volunteered to see if she could work some things out with DS. My previous attempts to discuss with DS what was wrong had been met with stony silence. (This is another thing I love. Stupid as it sounds, the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" thing really works well sometimes.)

So she discovered that DS is afraid that my DH and I don't love each other any more. He's afraid that polyamory will break up our marriage like it did for friends of ours. I guess he also feels bad because all of us uncool over-30 people have so much love going around, and he fairly recently broke up with his girlfriend. (kids :rolleyes:)

She reassured him that his parents do indeed love him, and that, even better, both sets of parents love him. That she and her husband have no intention of breaking up any marriage, and that we love each other. She pointed out that we, like a lot of couples, have had communication problems but are working on them. She also pointed out that our polyamorous friends didn't break up because of polyamory, they broke up because he wasn't willing to work on the relationship and she got tired of it--and that this is something that happens even in monogamous relationships. She also pointed out that DS has a good relationship with husband #2, and that husband #2 was quite hurt by DS's attitude. (DS grudgingly admitted that he likes husband #2.)

She seemed to feel pretty positively about how this went. The younger kids (ages 4 to 10) all seem okay with the affection we've shown toward each other so far, but of course we haven't done anything blatant. I don't know if any of this helps you, but I thought I'd let you know.

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