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-   -   Dating married people (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14268)

sealace 09-06-2011 07:31 AM

Dating married people
 
Hi, I'm new here. I've been with a man for 8 years, and we've been long distance for the last few months. We've been in an open relationship for the last 2.5 months. I've recently started going out with a married man and my feelings are starting to make me feel like I'm in over my head because of how strong they are. Don't really know what to do, losing sleep over it. Any advice from more seasoned folks?

Thanks!

Zenferno 09-06-2011 11:54 AM

Those awesome feelings are NRE. The best advice I've seen on here is to reinvest your NRE into your other relationship. It's helped me immensely.

Hope that's what you were looking for.

AnnabelMore 09-06-2011 12:00 PM

Hi Sea, I think we need more information in order to give you more than the most generic advice. Flesh the situation out for us. Like, do you have any sort of friendship with the wife? Is your relationship with Mr. Married Man open to growing into something bigger or is it clear up front that your role in each other's lives is as secondary rather than primary partners? Stuff like that.

redpepper 09-07-2011 07:30 PM

Have you tried doing a tag search on here for "nre?" That could warrant some information and support for how you are feeling. Other than that, more specifics could help.

nycindie 09-07-2011 07:37 PM

Hi, for some clarity ~ is the married man you're seeing poly? In other words, does his spouse have full knowledge of and consents to his involvement with you?

Also, what is it about this relationship, exactly, that is making you lose sleep? Do you want to see him more often? Are you confused about your feelings? Do you feel like this relationship is conflicting or affecting your long-term (now long-distance) relationship unexpectedly? Is there some drama you have to deal with?

We just need a little more information to be helpful, is all.

OpenandCountry 09-07-2011 08:53 PM

My secondary partner has expressed these concerns with me, and what I've told him is that if he wants more in the future with me and I stop making him happy, he needs to leave and find someone else that give him what he needs in a relationship. Of course, my marriage is polyamorous and completely open, and I don't know if that is the case with you?

sealace 09-08-2011 01:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 101122)
Hi, for some clarity ~ is the married man you're seeing poly? In other words, does his spouse have full knowledge of and consents to his involvement with you?

Also, what is it about this relationship, exactly, that is making you lose sleep? Do you want to see him more often? Are you confused about your feelings? Do you feel like this relationship is conflicting or affecting your long-term (now long-distance) relationship unexpectedly? Is there some drama you have to deal with?

We just need a little more information to be helpful, is all.

Hey all, thanks for the responses. Here's more info. The man I am seeing is poly and his wife knows he is seeing me, though she and I have never met. She also sees people. They've been together 9 years, married the last 2, and poly since January. He is 29.

Why have I been losing sleep? I think because I can't stop thinking about him, and then I get concerned about how strong the feelings are since I am new to the "open" thing, and in the past such feelings might lead to a serious monogamous relationship. In this case, I am confused about where they can or will lead. I did go out with him last night and asked him what he was looking for in his poly relationships, and he said he'd rather see someone regularly then see many people all the time. That made me feel a little better, since I want to see him regularly. But I suppose then I worry I would become too attached and that he wouldn't be able to provide what I need since he's married.

About my primary relationship--because my boyfriend lives in another state I don't get the support of someone physically present, therefore I feel more available than I might if we were in the same place. And maybe also I am confused about the boundaries of what I am looking for, like, how about falling in love? This new guy is not affecting my relationship--it's the same, I think.

Also, another concern is -- what if new guy only wants sex? That's not all I'm looking for. I am concerned I'd be emotionally involved and he'd only be sexually involved, then I'd get hurt.

JuliaGay 09-08-2011 02:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sealace (Post 101191)
Also, another concern is -- what if new guy only wants sex? That's not all I'm looking for. I am concerned I'd be emotionally involved and he'd only be sexually involved, then I'd get hurt.

This is the risk we all take when we enter into relationships. You have to decide if you're willing to take the risk. :)

Hang in there. We'll be here for you to talk to you.

JG

OpenandCountry 09-08-2011 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuliaGay (Post 101205)
This is the risk we all take when we enter into relationships. You have to decide if you're willing to take the risk. :)

Hang in there. We'll be here for you to talk to you.

JG

Good point. Unfortunately, having different needs/wants than someone else in a relationship is not just a poly thing, it's a dating issue in general. I wish you the best of luck, dear. :)

IrisAwakened 09-08-2011 04:46 PM

I know those sleepless nights! For me it was up with the new guy in my mind, thinking about him sexually and then tenderly (like, "What if he were here right now?" and "What if we fell in love?"), I think this type of sleeplessness is normal with most new successful relationships.

I would just take it slowly, and feel it out. When you feel like you absolutely need to know, just ask the guy about it. Honesty and openness is a huge Poly skill to have, very helpful!

I agree that it is difficult if you are alone all of the time, starting a new poly relationship. It always makes me feel more needy and sometimes that can be difficult to reign in.


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