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-   -   Object of desire in a closed marriage? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14216)

sugarhigh980 09-05-2011 10:02 AM

Object of desire in a closed marriage?
 
Would anyone out there ever consider a relationship with someone who is currently involved in a closed marriage? Obviously this is not an ideal situation by any means, but what if you really care for this person and have a very close bond and desire? Is it your responsibility to walk away from this person? Or to force them to either approach their SO with polyamory or to cut ties with you? Just looking for thoughts and opinions. Thanks!

MichelleZed 09-05-2011 11:24 AM

Would we cheat, basically? I think probably most of us would say no, that's not in the plan. But you're right that sometimes, in life, a special person can come along and you do things for them you wouldn't otherwise consider.

Is this a hypothetical question, or do you have a specific married object of desire who is causing you some confusion?

Magdlyn 09-05-2011 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarhigh980 (Post 100733)
Would anyone out there ever consider a relationship with someone who is currently involved in a closed marriage?

Speaking as a poly person, no, I would not consider a fully romantic and sexual relationship with someone in a monogamous marriage.

Quote:

Obviously this is not an ideal situation by any means, but what if you really care for this person and have a very close bond and desire? Is it your responsibility to walk away from this person?
Yes, there is no cheating in poly. You'd have to walk away, or keep your actions on a "friends only" level.

Quote:

Or to force them to either approach their SO with polyamory...?
Well, you couldnt force them, but you could encourage them.

nycindie 09-05-2011 12:36 PM

No married cheaters for me, thank you very much!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarhigh980 (Post 100733)
. . . but what if you really care for this person and have a very close bond and desire? Is it your responsibility to walk away from this person?

I would think that, because you care about them, you must walk away. I would never want to be the reason a close friend lies to his spouse, making me a dirty little secret - ecch! Sexual desire can happen with lots of people, so I'd look for someone else. Your desire for this person will cool; it isn't worth wrecking a monogamous marriage over.

Someone started a similar thread recently. You may find it helpful: Who's responsibility?

sugarhigh980 09-05-2011 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MichelleZed (Post 100748)
Is this a hypothetical question, or do you have a specific married object of desire who is causing you some confusion?

Well, I must admit it's not as hypothetical as I would like. Although to be honest, the question was actually hypothetical as I wanted to just get other poly opinions on this particular brand of sticky situation.

For the record, I am currently in a closed marriage and have just begun to realize I might be poly (thanks to the above situation). Normally, I would have just chalked it up to infatuation, but it really ran much deeper than that. I put it in the past tense because we have lost touch for a while now. We actually discussed the possibility of talking to our spouses about opening our marriages at one point, but dismissed it because we "knew" they wouldn't go for it. Of course you can't really know, hence the quotes. Long story long, I am getting closer to discussing poly with my husband and still think about this lost relationship quite a bit and just wanted some outside perspective on the situation.

Thanks for the responses and perspective!!

redpepper 09-07-2011 08:09 PM

Well as poly is based on responsibility to others, consideration to others, honest and open communication, integrity (to see more read the threads found under the tags of "lessons" and "foundations) etc. No, cheating is cheating, poly is not cheating and no, i would not involve myself. I would do my best to be honest and keep my integrity, and if all else failed? I would walk away.

naughty 09-07-2011 08:41 PM

I don't think that I would want to be with a cheater, and so no I would not get involved with somebody in a closed marriage. I would just be friends only.

sugarhigh980 09-08-2011 04:15 AM

See? I knew you guys would have insightful perspectives. Sometimes it's too hard to see the gray line when you are so close to a situation.


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