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-   -   First attempt a bomb, what should I do? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14169)

Sodacan 09-04-2011 07:47 AM

First attempt a bomb, what should I do?
 
My wife and I have dated on and off for about ten years know. Our Marriage resulted from two wonderful years of monogamous relations and we have practiced marital monogamy for a year now. My poly tendencies were never an issue before, I had only a few other relationships that were all strictly non sexual. My wife asked me out right one time if I loved one of these other women and I told her that I did, but not in the same capacity as I loved her. After some discussion we worked through it.

Before we were married my wife had confessed to me and unexplored bi-curious nature. We discussed all sorts of possibilities including a poly and sexual desire of mine to have a threesome. A nuclear poly family consisting of two women and myself. They would have a relationship as would I and each of them, and we could all live together as one. My wife (gf at the time) neither approved or disapproved of this. I decided to drop the issue since it had no bearing on our current situation.

Some time after our wedding we were entertaining friends at our house and as the crowd died out. We found ourselves alone with a female with whom I shared a close emotional relationship, my wife was aware and did not disapprove of the 'close friendship'. My wife had a habit of being openly flirtatious with women, and my close friend was flirting back. I didn't disapprove of this, as she was accepting of my close friendships.

Once we found that there were only the three of us my wife and my friend made a spontaneous move to the bedroom. I followed to watch and possibly get involved as we had already discussed. My wife and my friend had their fun and when I made an advance my wife gave me the sign that I was to watch only.

When we had discussed the possibilities of something like this happening we had come to the agreement that any non-monogamous act would be done with the other partner present and involved. However her first encounter with a woman could be just her, without me actually being involved.

When I brought it up to my wife the next morning that I would like to be a part of their next sexual encounter(which my friend was okay with, she was eager to be our third). My wife became quite upset. Insisting that it would never happen again, despite going on all that morning about what a wonderful time she had. She now insists that I drop my close friends and that we will never do anything like that again despite my efforts to try and talk she simply becomes enraged and screams at me before breaking down into tears and crying, saying all matter of things to male me feel guilty.

I feel betrayed really, as if she played my poly tendencies against me to get what she desired. She took her chance to be with another person, and even though I was present and consenting, with what has occurred afterward, I almost feel as if I have been cheated on. She continues to refuse to allow me to be in any way close to another person male or female. My close friend and I still speak, but I can tell the strain of my wife's 36o degree flip in less than a day has strained our relationship.

nycindie 09-04-2011 09:39 PM

I think you two need a way to get past your wife's screaming and tears in order to see what's going on underneath it all. Fear? Shame? Regret? Possessiveness toward you? It would be helpful to be able to talk about the nitty-gritty without all the drama. Do you think a third party would help? Like a counselor or even just asking her to post her side here?

schtuff 09-04-2011 09:49 PM

not that i am ever right....

i think if you give it some time, things might come around again. she may have felt pressured or overwhelmed, or maybe even as if you were "telling" her how and what she would be doing next.

this was a cross roads, and she apparently enjoyed it. doesnt mean that she is ready to share you yet.

in your words, it was done with your consent, logically there for you cant feel cheated on, however you might feel you were cheated out of an opportunity. what if she had not enjoyed her experience? would you have her go through with another encounter to fulfill the "deal"?

its not easy, but try to see it from her side. she has not had the tendencies you have, and may not fully understand how you could love her and love someone else too. this is the biggest hurdle for some people. i know swingers that can have random sexual meetings by the dozens, but the slightest hint of feelings, and things can get ugly. allowing a significant other to be free both physically, and emotionally, is big, and not an easy step to take.

hope things work out for the best for both of you.

schtuff

River 09-04-2011 10:41 PM

Sounds like a good time to consciously and deliberately work on self-inquiry and communication between the two of you. Communication skills in these areas don't just automatically appear, but generally need cultivating. So it is with self-inquiry of the sort that is probably needed. I recommend finding and reading good books and articles on these subjects ... and talking about them together. Become allies to one another and move forward as friendly allies in one another's growth, healing, development....

If needed, seek a well-chosen relationship counselor. But do the work together even outside of counseling, either way.

It's all about being open, honest and "vulnerable" with one another in the safe and supportive atmosphere you deliberately cultivate together as allies and friends.

Have a look at the work of John Welwood, for example. http://johnwelwood.com/ <--- One of my favorites.

Most of Welwood's books are about relationships.: http://www.johnwelwood.com/listofbooks.htm

AnnabelMore 09-04-2011 10:56 PM

"She continues to refuse to allow me to be in any way close to another person male or female."

Um? Maybe I'm taking this more literally than you meant it, but this sounds borderline emotionally abusive to me, all poly stuff aside.

If she won't work this through this with you without screaming and heaping guilt upon you (when you in every way respected her boundaries!), or if she truly is isolating you in the way you implied above, *definitely* go for couple's therapy. If she won't treat you with some basic respect and won't give therapy a try, ask yourself what the heck you're doing in this relationship.

SourGirl 09-05-2011 01:43 AM

My tingling spidey-senses tell me, that your over-eager ways, has your wife panicking. In theory, you seemed practical about it all, and non-chalant in manor.
The minute you actually thought your wife was going to score, you bee-lined to watch them. It may of been 'neither approved, nor disaproved' or agreed ahead of time. It doesn`t really matter. She is most likely shocked by the change in your demeanor.
I am willing to bet a lot of buttons, your wife was unprepared for your eager-to-see-beaver attitude.

They spent the night flirting, and warming up to each other.
You jumped in at the moment of touch, and wanted in on the action.

See how it can look ? Now she is back-peddling and fearful.

So you can choose to have your nose out of joint and blame your wife, or you can tell her straight up, you wonder if your excitement spooked her.
Open up some dialogue, and see what happens.

Anneintherain 09-05-2011 01:43 AM

I am curious just how long ago this incident was. You say you've been married a year, and that it happened "some time after the wedding" Advice you get would probably be somewhat different if it was 11 months ago vs 1 month ago.

Sodacan 09-05-2011 04:55 AM

Thank you all for the replies, I can agree that perhaps my eagerness may have scared her. However i have not been given an opportunity to explain, any civil conversation I attempt is ended in her tears and rage.

As for the cheated part, that is my feeling, I do not feel like I have been cheated on in the normal sense, but that opportunities were given, and never reciprocated. If she had genuinely not enjoyed the experience then I would be dealing with these feelings in a different manner but she has expressed that she enjoyed herself very much. Also that if given better terms would enjoy it again. She however demands that if it were to happen again that I am not to be involved, which i can understand, but she also demands that I remain monogamous sexually while she would be allowed to pursue women.

She offered that I could pursue men and in her mind that that would be fair, but I am not attracted to men in that way. I did have one male friend with whom I shared a very close emotional relationship, but sexually It isn't me.

She has driven most of my close friends away, we still see one another but we do not share the close emotional ties that we once did, and any time i spend with them is greeted afterward with jealousy and implications of unfaithful behavior on my part. I still have casual friends but I can not be close to people in the way I once was.

The incident occurred about three moths ago now, and I can understand that to her it may seem too soon after such a 'monogamous' commitment but my lifestyle was something she was aware of before hand. She even chose one of my close female friends as her maid of honor.

Everything was quite literally as close to perfect as things could be until sex was a part of the poly picture. She never had a problem with my emotional partnerships. But now i don't even have those, and it's really starting to effect me emotionally.

MorningTwilight 09-05-2011 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sodacan (Post 100711)
Thank you all for the replies, I can agree that perhaps my eagerness may have scared her. However i have not been given an opportunity to explain, any civil conversation I attempt is ended in her tears and rage.

As for the cheated part, that is my feeling, I do not feel like I have been cheated on in the normal sense, but that opportunities were given, and never reciprocated. If she had genuinely not enjoyed the experience then I would be dealing with these feelings in a different manner but she has expressed that she enjoyed herself very much. Also that if given better terms would enjoy it again. She however demands that if it were to happen again that I am not to be involved, which i can understand, but she also demands that I remain monogamous sexually while she would be allowed to pursue women.

Which is pure de bullshit. I understand where it's coming from, but it's bullshit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sodacan
She has driven most of my close friends away, we still see one another but we do not share the close emotional ties that we once did, and any time i spend with them is greeted afterward with jealousy and implications of unfaithful behavior on my part. I still have casual friends but I can not be close to people in the way I once was.

I think this one is going to require couples counseling. "Honey, I know this upsets you, but I really need for you to go with me."

If she digs in her heels, well, you have an unpleasant decision to make.

MT

Anneintherain 09-05-2011 06:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sodacan (Post 100711)
Thank you all for the replies, I can agree that perhaps my eagerness may have scared her. However i have not been given an opportunity to explain, any civil conversation I attempt is ended in her tears and rage.

Simply speaking, if somebody tells me they are trying to have a "civil" conversation with me, that's going to put my hackles up. Just incase you are using this tone with her, you might want to rethink your tactics. It kind of implies you're being logical and make more sense than I am, therefore I need to come around to your way of thinking. Maybe you are not figuring out a way to try to see her fears and figure out where her emotional stuff is coming from?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sodacan (Post 100711)
If she had genuinely not enjoyed the experience then I would be dealing with these feelings in a different manner but she has expressed that she enjoyed herself very much. Also that if given better terms would enjoy it again. She however demands that if it were to happen again that I am not to be involved, which i can understand, but she also demands that I remain monogamous sexually while she would be allowed to pursue women.

So what is your goal in this? Do you want to both be able to date other people? Do you want to only be in group situations with lovers you both share? Do you feel a driving need to reach some poly goal now? Is there some down side to being open to let her explore being with women while you wait around for awhile monogamous? You are used to feeling poly, she isn't. A little (or lot, who knows) of patience will let her feel like you really love her, you're really committed, and you want to stay around for the long haul, even if other partners are involved - that your love and happiness isn't dependent on her either exploring being bi while you participate, or on the ability to go find yourself other lovers if she's too selfish to share.

I would imagine your reactions now are making her feel like you want to abandon ship if she doesn't want to go along with it, and that since she tried being with somebody once and liked it, everybody should be given license to do what they want and she is a hypocrite if she dares to question how it could be anything other than wonderful for all concerned.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sodacan (Post 100711)
She has driven most of my close friends away, we still see one another but we do not share the close emotional ties that we once did, and any time i spend with them is greeted afterward with jealousy and implications of unfaithful behavior on my part. I still have casual friends but I can not be close to people in the way I once was.

Well, that isn't going to stop you from having close friendships, just makes home life unpleasant. Unless she is being really unpleasant to them, or deleting phone messages and keeping you from seeing them or something like that...try not to put too much blame on her for this. If you are doing any behaviors that an objective observer might say give her reason for worrying about being unfaithful, you probably should address them with her honestly, or cease them until she feels her trust in you is not misplaced. Cultivating good communication to assure your wife that you love her and won't be breaking any of your marriage vows unless you decide the two of you are not going to be able to make it work OR agree on nonmogamy might be pretty useful.

Anyway, hope I'm not being too harsh. Figure out what your goals are. If you NEED to be poly now, even when you didn't let her know it was a need before you married, practice kindness and patience. Doesn't really matter if she knew how you WERE, it matters how you treat her now. Deciding on if your goals are to be able to get in other people's pants ASAP or to build a strong solid marriage so you can develop other relationships in good time on a stable foundation - well that's something you should really sit down and figure out. Act accordingly.


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