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-   -   I don't identify (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14139)

jrcx3 09-03-2011 05:01 AM

I don't identify
 
So I told my mom that dh and I were looking for a girlfriend to share, to sum up the conversation. Mom ask if I am Bisexual....I couldn't answer because I don't feel that I am, though I truly and fully enjoy being with the woman that we have met. I enjoy it more than I thought. Inhale always desired a very close relationship with a woman but I never thout it could reach a sexualy level. I guess some people out there could call me Bi but damn if I hate labels. I am really excited to share this relationship with my mom but I am not sure she is ready to know that we are dating. She asked me what she did wrong, as if my attraction to a woman was because of anything she did. Maybe she thinks my husband is make me do this lol as if he could. I start the ball rolling. Anyways what are your thoughts....?

River 09-03-2011 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrcx3 (Post 100417)
She asked me what she did wrong, as if my attraction to a woman was because of anything she did.

Ah, the ol' pathologization of difference / homo-eros thing! Tell her that she must have done something very right for you to have turned out so blessed.


Quote:

Originally Posted by jrcx3 (Post 100417)
Maybe she thinks my husband is make me do this lol as if he could. I start the ball rolling. Anyways what are your thoughts....?

I'd advise you not to worry too much about labels. I call myself bi (bisexual, biamorous), queer, even gay sometimes (I like to have access to the 'gay' world when I want it, and I certainly qualify, I think). Labels cannot harm you if you don't make a prison cell out of them. Just hold those labels loosely and lightly. You can change your mind about them whenever you want. - - - Oh, and if you like "both flavors" ... well, you're "bi".

Kealoha 09-09-2011 12:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrcx3 (Post 100417)
So I told my mom that dh and I were looking for a girlfriend to share, to sum up the conversation. Mom ask if I am Bisexual....I couldn't answer because I don't feel that I am, though I truly and fully enjoy being with the woman that we have met. I enjoy it more than I thought. Inhale always desired a very close relationship with a woman but I never thout it could reach a sexualy level. I guess some people out there could call me Bi but damn if I hate labels. I am really excited to share this relationship with my mom but I am not sure she is ready to know that we are dating. She asked me what she did wrong, as if my attraction to a woman was because of anything she did. Maybe she thinks my husband is make me do this lol as if he could. I start the ball rolling. Anyways what are your thoughts....?

lol, Gotta love the parents who ask what they did wrong when they find out that you are different! It's amazing that you felt close enough to your mother to share with her. I can't even imagine saying anything like this to other members of our family: my grandmother who raised me, or my in-laws. I can imagine sharing that we're spending a lot of time with an amazing person that we both feel close to and adore though...

From what you said. If you do not think of yourself as "bi" then don't worry about describing yourself this way. You are the one who is living your life, not her, not anyone else. If asked again, I would simply say that you don't identify yourself that way. You enjoy having this amazing woman around. If she, or anyone else, does say anything about your husband "making you do something like that." How about just letting her know that you have a loving relationship and he wouldn't force you into anything. I know I'd have a big problem with my husband forcing me into something I'm not comfortable with... (I say bi-curious for myself by the way. I haven't totally gone down that route, but I do know I'm attracted and love to watch and kiss and touch...:D)

nycindie 09-09-2011 06:22 AM

Maybe you like "pansexual" better?

Eh, you know, it isn't always necessary or helpful to tell parents everything we have going on in our lives, especially if they're going to be judgmental about it.

CladInPlaid 10-09-2011 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 101474)
Maybe you like "pansexual" better?

Eh, you know, it isn't always necessary or helpful to tell parents everything we have going on in our lives, especially if they're going to be judgmental about it.


^ That was a similar thought that I had. When you're attracted to people despite gender, just for the person inside. That's why I always preferred to be called pansexual rather than bisexual.
But over all, the need to label it shouldn't be so great. People are constantly discovering and rediscovering their sexuality. I'm still exploring mine. You shouldn't have to define it or label it if you don't feel that it fits into a label.

My mom and me have a very close relationship, she knows I know adult film work and that I'm a professional dominatrix. But even still she doesn't know that I like women. When I dated women in the past she would always say 'I think it's just a phase you're going through, it'll pass'. Well now I haven't dated many women because I'm more nervous around them due to lack of experience (and my mom still thinks each woman was just a 'phase'), but I'm finding myself to me attracted to women and only women as of late, and that's what I'm looking for. How or when I will tell my family that, I don't know. I suppose only if the relationship gets to that serious level where I want 'family' to include them.

It's up to you to decide when it's really important for her to know. During these beginning stages it might be better for you to just keep it from her, especially if she's going to say statements like 'what did I do wrong?', which will just cause unnecessary guilt and stress for you.
If you do feel that she needs to know, or that you can't keep it from her the situation might be difficult to explain. Many people don't understand polyamory and many don't agree with it.
I don't know how I would go about explaining polyamory to my mother.
She doesn't sound like the type that's going to be very supportive about your choices right now, so I would say don't worry about telling her for now. Let her think it was just some phase, or that it's over. Then enjoy the time you're having with this new woman in your life. Without being made to feel guilty just because your mother doesn't understand it.

Just my thoughts. Hopefully something you read here in this thread has helped your situation. Just remember to have fun- and don't worry too much about the negative people in your life, because then you could end up spoiling it.
Focus on the present and just enjoy it ;)

vanille 10-26-2011 11:43 PM

I think it must be a generational difference. They grew up differently. My mother would think the same thing. I'm 99% positive. In high school, I told her I was bi just to make her mad (hey, I know - not nice).

I've had ... what I would call "crushes" on girls. It's been an attraction, but I can't say it was sexual. I don't know what that makes me. I've made out with girls, and it was fun... but never with one of those "crushes." I don't know if my reaction would be different if it had been. But the fact that I never sexually fantasized about them always left me wondering what the heck that makes me.

So, no. You're not alone :)


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