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-   -   Everyday Commitments To Loving Kindness (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14102)

nycindie 09-01-2011 10:42 PM

Everyday Commitments To Loving Kindness
Just discovered this gem. Please note, it's not about poly or mono but applies to all relationships in general, with ourselves and others. Wonderful!
Everyday Commitments To Loving-Kindness
By Dave Richo, PhD

1. I do my best to keep my word, honor commitments, and follow through on the tasks I agree to do.

2. I am making every attempt to abide by standards of rigorous honesty, truthfulness, and respect in all my dealings no matter how others act toward me.

3. I forego taking advantage of anyone because of his ignorance, misfortune, or financial straits. My question is not “What can I get away with?” but “What is the right thing to do?” If I fall down in this, I can admit it, make amends, and resolve to act differently next time. Now I more easily and willingly apologize when necessary.

4. If someone is overly generous toward me or has an exaggerated sense of obligation to me, I do not want to exploit his or her lack of boundaries. Instead, I want to express appreciation and work out an equitable way of interacting.

5. I keep examining my conscience with true candor. I am taking searching inventories not only about how I may have harmed others, but also about how I may not have activated my potentials or shared my gifts, how I may still be holding on to prejudices or the will to retaliate, how I may still not be as loving, inclusive, and open as I can be.

6. I welcome feedback that shows me where I am less caring than I can be, where I am less tolerant, where less open about my real feelings. When I am shown up as a pretender or called on being mean or inauthentic, I am not defensive but take it as information about what I have to work on. I appreciate positive feedback also.

7. I am letting go of the need to keep up appearances or to project an overly-impressive self-image. Now I want to appear as I am, without pretense and no matter how unflattering.

8. I do not want to use any charms of body, word, or mind to trick or seduce others. Being loved for who I am has become more important—and more interesting—than upholding the ever-shaky status of my ego.

9. I now measure my success by how much steadfast love I have, not by how much I have in the bank, how much I achieve in business, or how much power I have over others. The central—and most exhilarating—focus of my life is to show all my love in the style uniquely mine, in every way I can, here and now, always and everywhere, no one excluded.

10. As I say Yes to the reality of who I am, with pride in my gifts and unabashed awareness of my limits, I notice I can love myself and that I become more lovable too.

11. I never give up on believing that everyone has an innate goodness and that being loved can evoke it.

12. I am learning to trust others when the record shows they can be trusted while I, nonetheless, commit myself to being trustworthy no matter what others may do. I am always open to rebuilding trust when it has been broken, if the other is willing.

13. I am willing to participate in the harmless conventions and social rituals that make others happy.

14. I am learning to ask for what I need without demand, manipulation, or expectation. As I honor the timing, wishes, and limits of others, I can show respect by taking no for an answer.

15. I do not knowingly hurt or intend to offend others. I act kindly toward others not to impress or obligate them but because I really am kind —or working on it. If others fail to thank me or to return my kindness, that does not have to stop me from behaving lovingly nonetheless.

16. If people hurt me, I can say “Ouch!” and ask to open a dialogue. I may ask for amends but I can drop the topic if they are not forthcoming. No matter what, I do not choose to retaliate, hold grudges, keep a record of wrongs, or hate anyone. “What goes around comes around” has become “May what goes around come around transformatively.” This also means that I do not gloat over the sufferings or defeats of those who have hurt me.

17. I do not let others abuse me but I want to interpret their harshness as coming from their own pain and as a sadly confused way of letting me know they need connection but don’t know how to ask for it in healthy ways. I recognize this with concern not with censure or scorn.

I remain open to reconcile with others after conflict. At the same time, I am learning to release those who show themselves to be unwilling to relate to me respectfully. I accept the given of sudden unexplained silence or rejection by others and will never use that style myself.

19. I am practicing ways to show my anger against unfairness directly and nonviolently rather than in abusive, threatening, blaming, out-of-control, or passive ways.

20. I have a sense of humor but not at the expense of others. I want to use humor to poke fun at human foibles, especially my own. Therefore, I do not engage in ridicule, put-downs, taunting, teasing, sarcasm or “comebacks.” When others use hurtful humor toward me I want to feel the pain in both of us and look for ways to bring more mutual respect into our communication.

21. I do not laugh at people or at their mistakes and misfortunes but look for ways to be supportive.

22. I notice how in some groups there are people who are humiliated or excluded. Rather than be comforted that I am still safely an insider, especially by gossiping about them, I want to sense the pain in being an outsider. Then I can reach out and include everyone in my circle of love, compassion, and respect.

23. I look at other people and their choices with intelligent discernment but without censure. I still notice the shortcomings of others and of myself, but now I am beginning to see them as facts to deal with rather than flaws to be criticized or be ashamed of. Accepting others as they are has become more important than whether they are what I want them to be.

24. I avoid Criticizing, Interfering, or giving Advice that is not specifically asked for. I take care of myself by staying away from those who use this CIA approach toward me, while nonetheless holding them in my spiritual circle of loving-kindness.

25. I am less and less competitive in relationships at home and work and find happiness in cooperation and community. I shun situations in which my winning means that others lose in a humiliating way.

26. In intimate bonds, I honor equality, keep agreements, work on problems, and act in respectful and trustworthy ways. My goal is not to use a relationship to gratify my ego but to dispossess myself of ego to gratify the relationship. Also, I respect the boundaries of others’ relationships.

27. More and more, my sexuality expresses love, passion, and joyful playfulness. I am committed to a responsible adult style of relating and enjoying.

28. Confronted with the suffering in the world, I do not turn my eyes away, nor do I get stuck in blaming God or humanity but simply ask: “What then shall I do?” I keep finding ways to respond even if it has to be minimal: “It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.”

29. I appreciate that whatever love or wisdom I may have or show comes not from me but through me. I say thanks for these encouraging graces and yes to the stirring call to live up to them.

30. I am not hard on myself when I fail to live up to these ideals. I just keep practicing. The purity of my intention and my ongoing efforts are the equivalent of success.

31. I do not think I am above other people because I honor this list. I do not demand that others follow it.

32. I am sharing this list with those who are open to it and I keep believing that someday these commitments can become the style not only of individuals but of corporations, institutions, churches, and nations.

Based on the book: Everyday Commitments: Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance (Shambhala, 2007)

Found on: davericho.com/loving-kindness.htm

marksbabygirl 09-01-2011 11:04 PM

I really like this, thank you for sharing :)

nycindie 09-01-2011 11:05 PM

Has anyone ever read anything by Richo before? He's got an impressive bunch of books. I especially am interested in How to Be an Adult in Relationships, which is described at the publisher's website:


The blurb on that page says that he lists five things as key to adult relationships:
  1. Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.

  2. Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.

  3. Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.

  4. Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.

  5. Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.

JnR 09-01-2011 11:21 PM

Sounds like some really great books that he writes. I wonder if they are down-loadable to Kindle? Will have to check it out. When hubby bought that thing I swore I would not be able to adapt to it, I am such a 'gotta hold the actual book in my hand' person... but I have to say, it's pretty cool! :) Thanks for the posts about the author.

nycindie 09-02-2011 12:22 AM

free e-book download
Ah, from his home page you can navigate to an e-book (pdf) which is available to download for free. He's put it together from excerpts of all his books.

naughty 09-02-2011 01:48 AM

Thank you for sharing this list, I really enjoyed reading it :)

JuliaGay 09-02-2011 05:36 AM

Thank you, this is great! :)

redpepper 09-05-2011 12:08 AM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 100242)
Has anyone ever read anything by Richo before?

PN has his books. He thinks they are pretty good. Great list!

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