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-   -   Changing from Primary to Secondary???? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14100)

lovinhimloviner 09-01-2011 08:35 PM

Changing from Primary to Secondary????
 
Now that my husband and I are on a good track and things are looking up, one of the things we are discussing is making our OSO our primaries.

Has any of you had experience going from primary to secondary?

opalescent 09-01-2011 08:51 PM

More information please! It's hard to offer thoughts without a bit more background. No need to go into gory detail - just enough to get a sense of the situation.

JuliaGay 09-01-2011 09:10 PM

I agree, I need more info. It sounds more to me like you want to move a secondary to a primary position from your description. Thanks! :)

nycindie 09-01-2011 09:26 PM

I agree that what you're asking is a bit vague. Has anything changed (and if so, how?) since you wrote this in another thread:

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner (Post 98647)
At my house we have 2 couples. Me and my H are both in relationships with other people. My biggest issue is time spent with my H. H on the other hand does not like the fact that I love someone else too. He understands and tries not to have a double standard but it is still hard on him. When we just had an open relationship and it was just sex he was kind of ok with it. Mainly, I think, because I rarely did anything with someone else. Love on the other hand is harder on him.

Do you all live together?

lovinhimloviner 09-01-2011 09:31 PM

My husband and i have been married for 9 years and both have OSO. My OSO lives with us and is mu husbands best friend. His OSO doesn't live with us but it would be nice if she did. She still comes over all of the time just isn't officially living with us. My husband and I have had some troubles (you can read more on my other posts) and have just recently really started to look at what the problems are.

This is in large part due to H OSO who packed up what she had at the house and left saying we needed to work out our problems before she went crazy. Since neither one of us wants to lose her from our lives we started working.

One of the options we are talking about is having our OSO be our primaries instead. Not that we don't both love each other very very much but our OSO are better suited for us.

I am very scared because one of my problems the last few months have been not really knowing what my role is in my husbands life. Now that we are talking about this I really don't know what to do or how to handle it.

I was just wondering if anyone else had gone from primary to secondary in their relationships

lovinhimloviner 09-01-2011 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 100230)
I agree that what you're asking is a bit vague. Has anything changed (and if so, how?) since you wrote this in another thread:



Do you all live together?

My husband has come to terms with the fact that I love them both. It just took him some time to really see that I wasn't trying to betray him or love my OSO more than him. He has worked hard to figure all of his feelings out and is much happier since he has accepted it.

nycindie 09-01-2011 09:49 PM

It sounds, to me, like this is a case where the labels of primary and secondary don't really work for you all. Why not love/support each other on equal terms and stop worrying about the positions you have in each others lives, knowing that there is a place for each other but all on the same level ground? Have you broached this topic to your OSOs? If so, what do they want? The real tricky part to handle, if having all be equal, is any ownership of property and how that will be managed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner (Post 100233)
This is in large part due to H OSO who packed up what she had at the house and left saying we needed to work out our problems before she went crazy. Since neither one of us wants to lose her from our lives we started working.

One of the options we are talking about is having our OSO be our primaries instead.

Ah, so things are still being resolved and this is your thought process while trying to make it all work. Actually, I would think it will take some deeper work on the underlying issues before you get to this point. The other relationships and how they are managed will not heal your relationship with your husband. The foundation has to be strengthened, then the OSOs will be seen in a more positive light.

I also think some work done together as a group would be very healing. Perhaps all four of you should see a therapist together so things can be brought up about what is/is not working and the air cleared.

lovinhimloviner 09-01-2011 11:02 PM

The title or role is really just for my benefit. The need to know where I belong and how to handle everything. I know it seems silly and I am working on that. My husband and I will never be done trying to make our marriage work for the best. It will always be a work in progress that's for sure.

I have just today brought up the idea of everyone going to counseling so we will have to wait and see how it goes. My counselor is knowledgeable of this lifestyle and is a great person.

dingedheart 09-02-2011 03:57 PM

I did more or less but for different reasons....I wrote a thread asking essentialy the same thing.... I think I said rejecting the primary position. No one at the time had similar experiences... I think you're breaking new ground.

AnnabelMore 09-02-2011 10:53 PM

If you want your OSO's to "step up" in your life, why does that mean that you and your current primary have to "step down" from one another? Is there a reason you couldn't each do a co-primary thing?


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