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-   -   Beginning with disaster. Is all lost? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14099)

troubles 09-01-2011 08:17 PM

Beginning with disaster. Is all lost?
 
So, my husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have always fantasized about having an open relationship, so much that we even have been actively searching for another couple to experiment with.

As luck would have it, a friend (female) of mine expressed interest. Her husband is cool with it, and we had a great time making out and fooling around. We involved both boys (on separate occasions). My husband was there the first time, hers the second.

The second time, things went a bit further, and my husband felt hurt. I misunderstood what he had said (we all did), and I should have communicated better with him. He has vetoed the whole relationship indefinitely.

I have apologized over and over (we all have). I have tried to be a better wife. Granted, it's only been a week, but each time we talk, he says he didn't realize he wanted only me, and wanted me to want only him.

Will time heal this? What else can I do? This is my first experience with a woman, and I like it a lot. He feels like he gets nothing out of the potential relationship. Any thoughts or advice?

BrigidsDaughter 09-01-2011 08:31 PM

First of all, I find vetoes to be a very unfair and immature way of handling things. He's telling you no (as if you were a child) because he was hurt instead of talking to you about what hurt him and how you can work to make sure he isn't hurt in teh future together. Marriage and communication are a process. That said, I think that while it is fair to ask you to respect his feelings, it is not fair to expect you to put the genie back in the bottle so to speak. . . . for many of us who start off bi-curious that first sexual experience with a member of the same sex (whether it is kissing or full blown sex) cements bisexuality as part of our identity in a significant way. While he may have just discovered that he really doesn't want to be with other people and wants you to want only him, try explaining to him that it just isn't possible for you to stop being attracted to other women. I know this is still very new, but maybe he would be (in the future) alright with you seeing women independently of him. As to what he gets out of it, wouldn't be feel better knowing that he wasn't forcing you to be something you're not?

Advice: keep communicating. remind him that you are not HIS; that you do not belong to him. So while you respect him, he can't tell you how to feel or that you have to stop seeing someone who matters to you. You can negotiate boundaries and comfort zones, but the whole you have to stop doing this because it hurt me and you don't have a choice in the matter is disrespectful. Also, don't think that you were a bad wife, you weren't. This was something that you discussed ahead of time, that you both wanted to persue; it isn't your fault that he's getting cold feet.

nycindie 09-01-2011 09:30 PM

Maybe a swap with both couples in the same room would make it better. I think he just felt left out.

troubles 09-01-2011 09:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter (Post 100219)
Marriage and communication are a process.

We have talked about it so much that there's nothing left to say.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter (Post 100219)
try explaining to him that it just isn't possible for you to stop being attracted to other women.

He knows that, as do I. He wants me to stop doing anything with her, though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter (Post 100219)
As to what he gets out of it, wouldn't be feel better knowing that he wasn't forcing you to be something you're not?

I don't even know what I want anymore. :(

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

schtuff 09-02-2011 12:46 AM

my wife's fav saying lately is.... ready?.... "why are men so emotionally stunted?" that said.... its only been a week. the progression seems natural, the two ladies involved had been there and took it a little further. things naturally progress, and probably would have continued to. but us guys get jealous, and feeling left out, and hurt, then shut down. he may come around given more time, but..... a couple things i might suggest, is encourage him to tell you what he is really feeling, dont take it personally, he may just need to work through it. you could also encourage him to come visit us, read some posts, ask questions.....
i wish you the best of luck.
scthuff

troubles 09-02-2011 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by schtuff (Post 100250)
encourage him to tell you what he is really feeling, dont take it personally, he may just need to work through it. you could also encourage him to come visit us, read some posts, ask questions.....
i wish you the best of luck.
scthuff

He said he knew from the get-go that this would be trouble. And that he wouldn't know what it was until it happened. So then it happened, and, yeah. More time. Maybe a lifetime. Thanks, buddy.

nycindie 09-02-2011 02:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by troubles (Post 100237)
We have talked about it so much that there's nothing left to say.

That's quite a defeatist position. Don't give up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by troubles (Post 100237)
He wants me to stop doing anything with her, though.

Am I wrong, but didn't you say he got upset after the second time, when her husband was there and things went farther than your husband expected? I would assume that his problem is with her husband taking part, not her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by troubles (Post 100237)
I don't even know what I want anymore.

Well, if you don't know what you want, then how can anyone help? No wonder there is "nothing left" to talk about. I think the best thing you can do is sort out what it is you want. What kind of relationships do you desire - with your husband, yourself, other lovers (if any), the world? What will make you happy? And then can you figure out how to go about manifesting those into your life.

troubles 09-02-2011 03:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 100258)
That's quite a defeatist position. Don't give up.

Actually, that whole last post was defeatist. I want my marriage. And a fun friendship wouldn't hurt, either. :)

ispolyforme 09-02-2011 06:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 100258)
Well, if you don't know what you want, then how can anyone help? No wonder there is "nothing left" to talk about. I think the best thing you can do is sort out what it is you want. What kind of relationships do you desire - with your husband, yourself, other lovers (if any), the world? What will make you happy? And then can you figure out how to go about manifesting those into your life.

Not only should you discover what you want, but what he wants too. Communicating your true desires is hard to do, but very much worth it when you can both do it; and along the way find common ground on which to build a bridge to compromise.

troubles 09-02-2011 06:03 AM

I know what I want. But I don't know if what I want is fair. I know what my husband says he wants right now, which is different than what he said before. My earlier post was posted out of frustration, not out of truth. This whole thing WAS wonderful, wonderful. And somehow I messed it up and need to make repairs.


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