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-   -   Quad Thoughts (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1409)

LuvNWonder 11-25-2009 08:24 PM

Quad Thoughts
Luv and I have from the beginning our discussions on poly both been...well, enamored...with the idea of a quad.
Ever since we've been non-mono our most wonderful times have been spent with couples. We understand intellectually that a deep poly relationship with a quad may never happen, but the thought of sharing our family and our lives with another committed couple who also loves *us* is such a strong desire with us we've even discussed setting ground rules that would only allow for that.

But no. there is too many wonderful loving people out there for us to know to restrict our growth and sharing like that.

I guess I'm looking for comments from those who have had successful quad relationships, and those who had less successful quad relationships. There is so much to learn either way.

I know the answer to *everything* is "It Depends", but I'd like some sense of how possible it even is, how to find such a couple, what are the unique challenges (probably not unique at all, but a more complex combination of the already known challenges), and is it as amazingly wonderful as we believe it can be, even with the challenges?


PickMoreDaisies 12-05-2009 08:20 PM

I share your excitement over the ideal situation...am currently tentatively entering into a quad situation so i don't have any profound wisdom to share with you. Just thought that I would post and perhaps keep posting as things move along for your reading enjoyment lol. I am so nervous about all the relationships going on at the same time, perhaps this is why quads seem complicated...we are all a third somehow and there are two primary relationships to manage...seems overwhelming to me but messy and intriging nonetheless.

LuvNWonder 12-05-2009 08:27 PM

Oh please do continue to share! We wish you the best!

GroundedSpirit 12-06-2009 03:39 PM

Hi Luv,

We've "attempted" a couple of quad relationships with existing couples but explored quite a few others. The conclusion WE have come to is that it's just probably not realistic to expect to find 2 other people in an existing relationship that really click with both of us - an vic-versa. But we also acknowledge that the area that we live in is very puritanical and PC, so that may have some impact. Were we in an area that seem to attract more "open" people I suppose the chances might be better. But still I question that.
Our feelings are that if a successful quad ever developed it would be more likely via the coming together of a couple "V"s etc - or something similar.
But good luck to you !


PickMoreDaisies 12-15-2009 05:46 PM

wolves in sheep clothing
well our couple turned out to be swingers claiming they were poly.....sucky for us. I think that it has the possibility to be a good friendship. They seem to be at a different point than we are. It's too bad because I think that things could have turned out differently and they may move to some other point in the future but for now we are again looking :( I really enjoyed the dynamic between the four of us and it was very open and poly "friendly" but just not really our cup of tea. "swing fast" seems sooo weird to me!!! Don't claim to be poly if you're not....obvious to me :)

I think that I would enjoy a poly relationship with a couple but there seems to be certain time restraints that I have trouble with. In my polyanna poly dream I aspire to have an integrated life with people and I am not sure how to develop that with people who already have a fairly established existence on their own.

My partner and I have thought about it being perhaps easier to "build a quad" out of single relationships....but still we are open as always to whatever relationships come our way to teach us new things about our own relationship and needs :)

Senga 01-25-2011 11:57 PM

Ideally Ryan & I would like to have a quad relationship. We feel that it is just as likely, if not more likely for us to meet a compatible couple than a single. I am still dreaming though I think ...

IanNairobi 01-26-2011 05:56 PM

Sometimes things fall into place
My wife M and I have essentially fallen into a quad-type relationship without any intention of doing so. We met the other couple while we were together, we all clicked and had a great time hanging out, and we ended up getting to socialize with them without even realizing that they were poly-friendly. M realized it first and disclosed to me that she was interested in L, the male half of the couple, and that the interest was mutual. His wife S decided she was comfortable enough with the situation, as did I. Eventually S and I spent some time together to discuss the situation and get to know one another better as our spouses were beginning to explore a relationship together, and it became apparent that there was a mutual attraction between the two of us.

At this point, all four of us communicate regularly and have a significant amount of mutual respect. The relationships between M and L and between S and myself are not the same, nor could they be as we're different people, but both have evolved organically into a level of intimacy that has been both exciting and rewarding so far. As a relative newb, I'm not sure if this is a "quad" since I don't know all of the terminology, but since there are four of us that all feel as though we are in it together and are all mutually supportive and appreciative of each other, that's what it feels like to me. The relationship is still relatively new, so I can't comment on longevity or development over substantial time. All I can say is that so far, it's been an unexpected but interesting and fun experience, and I think that everyone's hope is that things continue to develop along the same lines as they have been.

So, I guess my feeling is that it is certainly possible for a quad relationship to happen naturally and spontaneously, but it depends on precisely what you are looking for, I guess. For our group, there are two established families and households and nobody is looking to change that, we are more interested in appreciating one another and helping to foster greater self-awareness and growth among everyone. Some might not consider it a "true" poly relationship for that reason, but it works for us and that's all that matters to us.

ray 01-30-2011 11:38 PM

Quads are really fascinating to me. It sounds very complex finding just the right people to have all those different connections with. I'd imagine that if you get it working it could be pretty awesome. I'd be interested to hear about some quads where they weren't build from couples.

Guilty 07-20-2011 04:32 AM

B and I are in a quad. We are still in dating stages. We stumbled into this by accident to be honest. We were planning to swing with the couple and through talking it quickly became more on all parts before swinging ever even happened. We have had our moments because honestly this is new to all of us. Time management is a big issue due to one member of our quads job having him gone 3-4 weeks at a time. Plus we have children. B and I have 2. While our other half has 1. B and S are close like siblings. While I have a relationship with B,S, and A. A has relationships with me, S and B and well you get the idea. It has been far from easy but so worth the effort. Knowing we each have the others there that all love us if and when we need them is the most amazing feeling in the world. When we all happen to be on the same page with no issues its even better. At this time we do not live together but are looking at that possibility in the future. I have never been happier than I am in this quad even with all the stress it has us all under. We are figuring out a lot as we go and have struggled through some serious growing pains that have almost caused us to split. Thing is none of us can walk away from this. We all have so much in common Its almost scary and the whole cosmic connection as we call it is. Crazy and scary also. Whatever 1 of us is feeling we all feel it phyically, mentally, and emotionally. That keeps us honest and open with each other because we cant hide anything from the others. Ever had a relationship where you finish each others sentences or had the other person call and ask why your mad or upset? Yea, try having 3 others call almost all at the same time cause they feel your anger or whatever or them all finish your sebteance in unison. It's crazy scary and amazing all at once.

Jade 07-20-2011 05:37 AM

We've been part of a quad relationship for approximately three years, though it's only really felt solid for a year and a half. We met as swingers. Technically, I guess, we all still are, though neither side seeks outside partners actively. It's a long distance quad. They are not out to their family, while we are (at least to the closest members). Some of their closest friends are aware of the relationship though, so they don't entirely hide us.

I wish I could say it's been totally wonderful, but the relationship is continuously challenging. It's more like a continuous flux, punctuated by short bursts of magic. The relationship is important to all of us, but we do not all focus on it the same way. The planning of time together has been a strange journey. Energy and interest levels wax and wane depending on life circumstances.

I wish you luck in your search. It was an accidental development for us.

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