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-   -   Missing Normal...Struggling, Loving and Learning (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1408)

MonoVCPHG 11-25-2009 07:38 PM

Missing Normal...Struggling, Loving and Learning
I have been struggling a lot lately in regards to missing "normalcy" in how it used to be defined for me. Although I was never fully connected to the people in my old social community it was comfortable, stable, and understood. It was also what most of the people around me were doing and I'm totally ok with not questioning or going against the flow.

I find peace in being separate from "communities" in general. Although I blend easily enough with most I never feel attached or integrated despite how it looks on the outside. I have always been very social but don't seek out people to surround myself with. They flow passed me and I exchange passing words while we are in earshot. I can walk the streets of Hong Kong and still feel alone. I like this, being alone is a nice place for me.

I have felt some resentment in being pulled into another community through my relationship with Redpepper. Compounding my natural resistance to community involvement is the fact that this is an extremely different community than I have known and been raised in. Poly, sex positive, kink, BDSM, even activism, socialism, vegetarianism, and passionate environmentalism are all different to me in a community sense and yet they are a part of my life now. I am learning and finding enjoyment in some of these new areas but the sheer pressure of this feels like a tidal wave sometimes.

Individually I find the people I have met to be creative, thoughtful, involved, fun and certainly interesting….when I think of the "community" as a whole, I lose sight of the individual faces and see a large burry foreign object coming at me with experiences I have a hard time relating to and approaches to life that threaten my old idea of "normal".
Before I would simply turn away from the oncoming strangeness or lash out to disperse it. But amongst that big daunting cloud is a glowing radiance that I feel destined to be with.

Love is not enough for me to be healthy. I have to be comfortable with the new social direction my life has taken. I don't see how I can separate myself from the community the woman I love embraces and wants; if it remains unknown than it remains a threat. I've played that out in my head and it would be "the beginning of the end" for me. It would be like living a separate life or having a casual relationship that is not acceptable for me. I am either romantically in or out. I can be friend or full blown Love, but nothing in between; there are no half measures with Redpepper.

So I struggle. I'm forcing myself to let go of an old community that I never really belonged to. I'm pushing myself to embrace the community the woman I love enjoys and am making headway for sure. I have a long way to go in coming to terms with this area of inner conflict but I get so much support from Redpepper and her husband.

The love I have for Redpepper is immense and has made me work harder than in any other relationship because the issues span a broad spectrum. Dealing with the mono-poly thing is just the tip of the iceberg in our relationship. We have taken a dive off a cliff and the waters are a lot deeper than they look….I just need to avoid drowning.

Peace and Love

redpepper 11-25-2009 09:39 PM

I will pull you back up love :)

MonoVCPHG 11-25-2009 09:51 PM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 13197)
I will pull you back up love :)

Thanks Lilo....If it gets too much you can just hold my baldy head under :rolleyes:

River 11-25-2009 10:47 PM


Being a part of a community -- or shall we (better!) say The Community -- should never mean giving up your own self and dissolving into something foreign and strange.

I say "The Community" because we're all members of a singular Community, EarthLife. We all dwell in this one round (and thin!) biosphere. There's nothing at all "out there" or weird about that -- it's a simple fact: we share the same air. We're all part of the dynamic interconnected flows and patterns of chemistry, energy, information flows, etc.... -- But, of course, we aren't all quite "awake" to this Community. Our identities are usually smaller than we are.

Just be yourself, man, and be willing to be affected by others -- their ideas and experiences, etc..., their perceptions and beliefs.... Keep your own ever-moving center by dancing with life. You are not in danger of being swallowed up into the Borg ... unless that's what you really want.

MonoVCPHG 11-25-2009 10:53 PM


Originally Posted by River (Post 13205)
be willing to be affected by others .

I think this is something I need to work on. Redpepper has definitely had an influence on me but I am very slow to allow change. Thanks River.

River 11-25-2009 11:38 PM

You're doing fine, in so many ways, Mono-. Just keep dancing! (literally or metaphorically--or both). You will find that you can easily be authentically yourself AND of service to your--ever changing, evolving-- best hope for our Community.

ramfish 11-26-2009 04:20 AM

Don't feel too bad about missing normal, mono. I've never been normal and I miss it; even more when things are hardest.

rolypoly 11-26-2009 05:13 AM

Don 't have much to add, but I love your self-explorations Mono.

MonoVCPHG 11-26-2009 08:19 AM

Thanks Ramfish :o

Rolypoly, I am glad you enjoy the glimpses inside this head of mine! Why it feels like therapy I don't know but it sure helps :)

rosevett 11-26-2009 05:00 PM

Thankful for you presence in 'the community'
Mono, you have done it yet again, reached out with your words and have articulated what members of our family feel and live everyday.

As we discussed your post he realizes he is not alone in his thoughts, tribulations and forward movement(through normal) and it resinates in me that what he tells and shows me is even more true to his being.

I want to reach out into the community that 'I' embrace to say 'be gentle on my love' he prefers his 'normal'.

So you are not alone in your ideals and we appreciate and are very grateful for your contributions to 'the community'

Do you and he NEED to be completely absorbed & saturated with 'The community' I personally don't think so but that is individual preference you both will have to determine for yourselves I know I so enjoy the times when going beyong the individual person to the community creates epiphamies but I don't expect them. they are just blessings to an already wonderful relationship with an amazing person.


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