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-   -   I think I am gay. Or maybe just falling out of love.. Or both.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14077)

hellokitty 09-01-2011 12:31 AM

I think I am gay. Or maybe just falling out of love.. Or both..
*Long post warning*

I posted my story here


(to summarize I've been with my bf close to 5 yrs, and my gf almost 1 year now)

and here is something I posted explaining my confusion in another thread:


I'm so confused as to what to do and how to not hurt anyone. I know a lot of bi girls go through "phases" if you will of being more attracted to girls or guys but I'm having trouble figuring out how to get past this if it is just a phase and keep my boyfriend from being unhappy or leaving me. I love him, he's the person I trust more than anyone, he means so much to me and makes me feel so secure. He has never had as high of a sex drive as me though.

Throughout the first few yrs we've been together I would try to initiate sex very often but he couldn't get into it as much or often and it kind of made me feel rejected so I got discouraged. We had some ups in our sex life when we brought other girls in with us and that made us both more excited. Things didn't work out too well with a girl we were both dating so I gave up on that and happened to meet the girl of my dreams shortly after that ended. She is a lesbian so she's not someone we're dating together.

We hit it off phenomenally in bed :D the kind of sex I've always dreamed of... It felt like a light turned on in my head and something clicked since I've met her and nothing feels more right than being with a woman not just sexually but emotionally and romantically. The passion I have with her is like nothing I've ever felt before and she just drives me wild.

It's sooo lovely but also sad on the other hand. I'm so confused about how to feel. Being so utterly satisfied with her has made me sad and resent the fact that I've never had this kind of passion with my bf. He is my rock, he understands me, he's one of the smartest people I know and most influential people in my life. He's taught me so much and I love who he is. I love what he's about, I love his family, his way of thinking, and we've always made a great team. But.... I am just not interested in him sexually anymore. :( I try to make an effort and get it on. I try to do what I know makes him feel good and I try to show him what I like but it feels awkward and upsetting. I love him to death but the thought of being with a man just isn't doing it for me. I'm going to keep trying but also keeping the door open for him to be with other women if I can't give him everything he needs. I guess we'll just have to see where this goes and see if my feelings change.
Well my feelings aren't changing, and the awkwardness and sadness and confusion is only getting worse. My bf, he gets me, he can practically read my mind at times, he is the best at comforting me and honestly as close to perfect I believe a bf could get. Problem is.. I don't feel that "spark" with him anymore. Yes of course he does make me smile and he makes me happy because he is a fantastic person, so sweet, generous and loving. He makes me laugh. But I feel a sense of uneasiness around our relationship.

The sex thing ^ was what first started it. Now I get so anxious when anything sexual starts to come up and I try to avoid it as much as I can. When we are physical I feel like I'm acting, like I just want it to be over with, it's so sad & wrong. I've thought, well maybe I can just tell him what I'm going through, I can tell him I have been feeling awkward about sex with him and men in general. It would hurt him but at least I can tell him I want to help him find an amazing girl to be with sexually. And I'll continue doing my best to be affectionate even if I can't give it my all sexually... I don't know... That sounds stupid...

Anyway, while I was letting all those thoughts sit in my head, other feelings have started to change. When I'm spending time with him all I can think about is her, and yes people have said it's probably just NRE but the fact of the matter is sometimes it feels like we don't have that much in common anymore. He has said it himself (not in terms of us drifting apart just to help me try and understand myself more - he's a bit older than me) that at my age I'm changing a lot and learning about myself, and it's very true. I see our life goals in the future being very similar and at the time being kind of alike, but I am in need of such adventure, excitement and passion. My gf is my same age and we have been picking up new hobbies together, saving up and traveling as much as we can, cooking and exploring new foods & restaurants together (bf isn't big on food and isn't as adventurous as me) and even coming up with business endeavors together. The rush I get when we're together is unlike anything I've felt with him, so sadly, maybe he just isn't as energetic or as passionate of a person as her and I, it's hard to say exactly...

The one thing that really hurt me and made me start to question just everything... was when I went to a friend's wedding with my bf. He was joking around with his friends at the reception while I was looking at the bride and groom, noticing how in love they were and watching the way they stared into each other's eyes. Seeing how special it was for them to share their love with everyone. It was so romantic. All I could think about was my gf. How much I'd love to hold her and have our "wedding dance" together, how madly she makes my heart flutter, how adorable our wedding would be if we planned one together. Everything would be perfect, I would be flying. My bf came up to me as I was day dreaming about her and I didn't feel that at all with him... I felt so distant. It was such a confusing feeling, and it still is. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about how I don't have that kind of magic with him.

I don't know what to do. I never thought things would end with him but I have this feeling, wondering if things will ever be the same. Idk if I should keep these feelings to myself in order to avoid hurting my bf, and hope our love will grow strong again... or what I should do. I feel like I am lying to him. The worst part is how in love with me he says he is. He always tells me he wants the best for me and when we're together he always tells me how grateful he is just to be able to spend time with me and how lucky he feels because he "knows" there's no other girl out there like me. Idk what to do. I'm just so sad, ...lost... :( help?

redpepper 09-01-2011 03:43 AM

How long has your gf been in your life? Could it be NRE still?

hellokitty 09-01-2011 04:27 AM

Hey, thanks for reading. My gf & I have been dating for 10 months. So maybe it could be NRE. I don't know. I just feel so distant. I can usually talk to him about anything but now I feel like I am hiding things, hiding my feelings about him. It makes me sad, and I don't know what I'm feeling is real and what is just me jumping to conclusions. I've been holding these thoughts in for so long and only recently said any of this "out loud" to anyone and that makes it feel real and that's what I've been avoiding. I feel relief to have gotten it off my chest, the anxiety of pushing it down has been lifted a bit, but now I just feel so much sadness and confusion it's even more overwhelming. I feel nervous to even talk to him or be around him because I don't know how I feel and he especially has no idea. I feel like a liar. :(

AnnabelMore 09-01-2011 04:29 AM

There are worse things than leaving a lover if the relationship just isn't working for you on so many levels any more and it's not changing no matter what you try. Maybe it's time to let your connection with your bf go. I know that probably sounds ridiculously painful and impossible, and the idea of hurting him probably seems worse than hurting yourself, but you can posion yourself if you feel like you're always lying, pretending, hiding. It can really erode your happiness and self-esteem in ways that can take a long time to heal. He wouldn't want that for you, right?

I am not thinking of this as a poly thing, for the record. Poly has helped make it clear, in that your relationship with your gf shows you how much is missing with the relationship with your bf. But it seems to me like this isn't an nre issue, this is about something being fundamentally off with your relationship with your bf. Maybe it's because he's a guy or maybe it's just that the you/him dynamic has run its course for you. I've been there, and I took about a year too long in finally leaving, and I can tell you that that year really messed me up.

I am only giving such severe advice because it sounds like you've tried everything and are at the end of your rope. I may be wrong, of course, but sometimes I think it helps just to be affirmed in knowing that leaving is an option. Your life will go on and so will his, and hopefully you can even be friends and still benefit from his presence in your life, even if not right away.

redpepper 09-01-2011 04:34 AM

Wellllll, 10 months is not long... If after two years you feel like that then I would think about making arrangements to let him go. Besides, who says you have to love each other evenly? I don't think you do.

Is there things you love about him? Are their reasons to stay? If you can dig deep and find that there is love their, appreciation, admiration, respect.... then you are still in it... just because you stand and watch a wedding and don't feel anything doesn't mean its over. Love is not weddings and romance, love is deep commitment and desire to walk in life with someone. Not because you said a vow or because you are gf/bf, but because you feel it in your gut. Because life would be less wonderful if they were not there, but you would survive if they weren't and it would be different, so you stick with it.

Spend some time with your bf and do nice things for him if you feel love still. You don't have to gush, just show him that you care about what goes on for him and know he appreciates your time.... leave all the hot romantic passion to the gf for now and see where you are at when the NRE wears off. It will at some point and then you will know.

Ya, NRE me thinks ;) I think you should let it go and just enjoy your gf.... it is what it is and really, all will reveal itself in good time.

dingedheart 09-01-2011 05:04 AM

It's funny yesterday I was writing on this very topic.....from the opposite prospective . The idea that a partner would "force" themselves to be intimate....you used acting...Rp used push....I think it amounts to the same. I was told I was projecting ....well put yourself in his situation would you want any of your partners to "act, force, or push "themself into being sexual intimate with you.

This doesn't seem loving at all. Where's the brutal honesty?

I 'm sure he feels the shift and hears the opposite from your words and as a result having lots of confusing thoughts and feelings.

You love him ....on some level ....wouldn't you want him to have that dreamy eyed look that the newlyweds had.....like you have with your gf.

redpepper 09-01-2011 05:18 AM


Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 100109)
This doesn't seem loving at all. Where's the brutal honesty?

Radical Honesty you mean? Its a book... have you read it? good read and very helpful.


Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 100109)
You love him ....on some level ....wouldn't you want him to have that dreamy eyed look that the newlyweds had.....like you have with your gf.

I am not a newly wed... dewy eyes are for newly weds in my mind (and those in NRE), not people who have been together for awhile... its fun, and lovely, but doesn't make for a long term commitment I don't think. People can have that dewy look with strangers at a swingers club. It doesn't amount to much I don't think, lovely as it is.

I don't find it realistic to think that her bf should expect or assume that she follow suit that she be a dewy eyed bride. Obviously she isn't there and I don't think she needs to be. Why throw the baby out with the bath water though... if its working for her, why not say it is, act like it is and move on. If it isn't working for him, then that is up to him. If he wants a bride to look at him with dewy eyes, then obviously she is not going to be that (right now).... maybe in the future or maybe someone else will, but that still doesn't mean ENDING what they have.

nycindie 09-01-2011 05:51 AM

I think what's happening for you, HK, is that you're letting yourself be distracted by thoughts of your gf, all these romantic and sexy feelings, and they're getting in the way of really being present when you're with your bf. You're daydreaming and fantasizing, which takes you away from seeing who is in front of you. You're looking at him through a filter of "not her." And whenever we compare people, there is always a winner, and a loser who comes up short. And to top it all off, you're judging yourself for doing it, and when we judge ourselves, we feel bad, and everything gets colored by that -- it's an endless cycle. When you are hard on yourself, then you will also be hard on your partner. All of which prevents you from seeing the real person standing in front of you, or the nature of the actual situation. How wonderful to have two people in your life who love you, yet you are focused on seeing it as problematic.

Oftentimes in long-term relationships people stop seeing their partner fresh every day. We start to feel like they are predictable and we just... know them. Bo-o-oring! It takes really snapping out of the fog and getting present to see all the beautiful, new things about someone who is always growing and changing every day, just like you are. Even those we feel we know very well. If you can just become aware of those times that you're lost in those thoughts that take you away or thinking about your life or relationship as a problem, redirect your attention away from these self-involved thoughts, and get engaged in whatever life is presenting you at that moment, then you're saying yes to what is and transforming it from a problem into... magic.

For example, when your bf came up to you at the wedding, instead of feeling bad that you were thinking about your gf, you could have looked into his eyes and shared with him the beauty and love you saw in the happy couple as they looked at each other. As a way to connect with him. It could've started a very satisfying, warm, and intimate conversation with him -- or simply given you both a nice moment together, instead of distance. Rather than fighting with yourself over what you were daydreaming about (just an example). So whenever you start beating yourself up for these thoughts, and feeling sorry about how things are, and thinking everything should be different, look around and get present. Life is happening in the here and now, not in daydreams and fantasies. Make sense?

MichelleZed 09-01-2011 03:44 PM


Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 100109)
It's funny yesterday I was writing on this very topic.....from the opposite prospective . The idea that a partner would "force" themselves to be intimate....you used acting...Rp used push....I think it amounts to the same. I was told I was projecting ....well put yourself in his situation would you want any of your partners to "act, force, or push "themself into being sexual intimate with you.

Gosh, Dingedheart, I said you were projecting onto MY relationship dynamic. You're acting like people have denied to you that anyone can lose interest in their partners at all, ever. Obviously people can lose interest in their partners, and it obviously happened to you, and might be happening to the OP. It's just that sometimes it *doesn't* happen like that. Can you understand that? That people's relationship dynamics can be different--that we're not all the same? That just because your wife lost interest in you sexually, it doesn't mean that wives everywhere will always lose interest in their husbands in the same way?

OpenandCountry 09-02-2011 01:30 PM

I don't have anything to add, but I just wanted to thank nycindie for her post. I've been having some mental struggles with my relationships and perusing the forums for advice. Your post really helped me. :)

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