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-   -   Hello (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1407)

Dani 11-25-2009 07:36 PM

So I have skulking around the forums for a few weeks now, and figured it was time to introduce myself and get to know all of you.

I have been married for 10 years, have 3 wonderful (albeit insane :eek:) kids, and am new to poly. After doing a lot of reading, and lots and lots of talking, my main trepidation at this point are my kids. Obviously, with any new relationship it would be a while before the kids would become involved, but I would like to know if any of you have any advice on how to start an innocuous conversation now that would lay the ground work for later.

Thanks in advance for your comments and advice.


MonoVCPHG 11-25-2009 07:44 PM

Just saying Hi Dani :)

I can say that the relationship Redpepper's son and I have is great. We actually have our own little "date" times. We're like buddies and he is family to me and I am to him now.
He's young so his understanding of the dynamic is hard to figure out for me but he certainly seems ok with it.

Take care

windmarkbob 11-25-2009 07:49 PM

My 16 year old son is oblivious and my 17 year old daughter already suspects. Of course we've always been fairly open about sexuality around our kids in terms of answering their questions and letting them engage us in a dialogue (regardless of how uncomfortable it might have been). I was shocked when I saw my daughter had put on her facebook page, last year, that she was in an "open relationship", because her bf lived 500 miles away. Hell, dad didn't even know she had a bf. And when I asked her to puh-lease remove it from her facebook page she asked me if I'd ever heard of polyfidelity. I just said, "maybe, why don't you try to explain it to me and I'll let you know if it's what I'm thinking it is." Wow...she hit the nail on the head. Dad just sort of bit his tongue, nodded, and said, "hey, whatever floats people's boats and whatever they're comfortable and happy with themselves...that's what matters." I then went back to hide in the bedroom and wondered if maybe the wife and I had been just a hair too open in our conversations. I don't know that I'd start an innocuous conversation out of the blue. They were raised on Law & Order: SVU, watched "The People vs. Larry Flint" while fairly young, and we do not censor their internet surfing at all. We've always let them start the conversations, and we just probe a bit with some open ended questions and (hopefully) insightful comments. I think everyone is going to have to just sort of feel this one out themselves and look at their childrens' personalities, openness, and just see what works for them. BTW, both of ours know we've *experimented* with different things in our past, but do not know that we've started *experimenting* again.

Best of luck!


foxflame88 11-25-2009 08:50 PM

I have decided to just let my kids ask questions at their own pace, and answer them age appropriately.

Dani 11-25-2009 09:05 PM

Our kids are a lot younger than yours WeaselBob. My eldest or as he is affectionately called Boy 1 (makes it easier when I am flustered instead of running through all the kids names and the dogs to get to who I need :D) is 11, our daughter or Princess (a not so affectionate name) is 8 and Boy 2 is 2.

We only had the sex talk last year with Boy 1. I had given him a book, The True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, and over breakfast he asked "What's a boner?" and "What's masturbation?" Needless to say, I have started pre-reading any questionable books so I am not blindsided again. Our daughter wants to have "the talk", but when we start she decides her room needs to be cleaned immediately :rolleyes:. And Boy 2 still thinks he's a puppy, so we have a little time.

I think the conversation I am looking to have with my kids is more about emotions. I would like to, when appropriate, talk about how we can love more than one person at one time, because we love each person differently. I didn't know if anyone else had had this conversation with their kids. Perhaps I am over thinking this.

Thanks WeaselBob and Mono for letting me know what your experiences have been.


foxflame88 11-25-2009 09:09 PM

Dani, my kids range in age from 4 to 14.... as I mentioned, maybe just let them approach you with questions and answer as they come. :)

Dani 11-25-2009 09:14 PM


That's my husband's response too. Normally I am a go with flow kinda girl, except when it comes to the kids.

I had Boy 1 prior to my husband and I dating, and my husband adopted him when he was 3. We have been very open with the kids about the adoption. I spent years going over the eventual conversation with him about who is father is and why he wasn't around. I had this very eloquent talk planned and everything. One day my son asked the long anticipated question, "Who is my biological father?" I told him his name, and he asked if had met him and I said no. I explained he wasn't prepared to be what Boy 1 needed and that he trusted me to be a good mother and to give him all he would need. He said "oh," and that was that. It took all of two minutes. Very anticlimactic. Maybe I should take my cue from that.

foxflame88 11-25-2009 09:26 PM

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

bookworm 11-27-2009 12:29 AM

My kids are older, 18 and 20, and are aware and very accepting of my relationship with O and K. However, they are not aware that K is bi and is in a relationship. We feel that is on a need to know basis and they don't need to know :p

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