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-   -   What a long, strange trip... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14008)

JuliaGay 08-30-2011 04:02 AM

What a long, strange trip...
So, here's the scoop on me and my poly experiences. ;) I'll try to be as concise as I can...I'm old. :D

I'm 48 and I've been openly poly for about 15 years now. But that doesn't mean I didn't try it before then. I've nearly always identified as bisexual, except for the years in the early 80's when I allowed myself to be convinced that bi meant you were sitting on the fence and you needed to pick one side or the other. Since my primary partner was a woman at that time, I identified as lesbian for a while.

My first wife, A, and I got together in college. I was 24 and she was 23. (No, it wasn't legal then, but we considered ourselves to be married.) We discussed poly and even tried it, sort of. She had a relationship with a male friend that started before she told me about it. Since I had wanted to date a man, I figured this was my opportunity. But no, she couldn't handle it. We were together 8 years and poly didn't figure into our breakup.

My second wife, K, and I got together when I was 32 and she was 38. Still wasn't legal...but you get the idea. :) She and I both identified as bi and had the idea that we wanted to be poly from the outset. We were with a former boyfriend of hers as a triad, secondary to our respective primary relationships. This was an LDR. We saw each other once a quarter and communicated via email and phone several times a week. This went well for a couple of years until she decided she wasn't as interested in the triad anymore. I continued seeing S as a couple. It was a pretty good relationship which had run its course by the time it ended after 12 years. I also had a few short-lived relationships that didn't work out, but were fun while they lasted. (No drama.) K decided she couldn't handle poly and that she needed to "find herself" and she left me after 7 years.

My first (and so far, only) husband, N, and I have been married for 8 years now (legally this time). N says we need to count half years because we got started late...he was 55 and I was 39...so we've been together 17 half years. :D S and I were still together until two years ago, so N came into our relationship knowing that I had other relationships. N and I divide our year between Tacoma and Tucson. I currently have two girlfriends who live in Tucson and male lover in Texas.

G and J are my girlfriends and I've been together with each of them for about three years. So half the year we're local and half the year we're long distance. These are both secondary relationships.

S2 is my male lover...we've been together, sort of, for seven. He and I are connected in ways we don't understand and have tried to end it more than once. In my Universe-view, I think we have a past life connection and we are working out something karmic. We've stopped fighting our connection. We see each other once or twice a year and talk on the phone a few times a month.

This summer, I started a relationship with D and fell deeply in love with him. The feelings are mutual. D had been in a previous polyamorous relationship with a previous wife, but this was the first with his current wife. His wife thought she could handle him being with someone else, but then changed her mind. So he has, at least temporarily, ended our relationship. He thinks that she will work her way through her insecurities, change her mind and we can be together again. I don't know what to believe, other than that he and I are deeply connected. I am hurting and moving into the anger stage of grieving. I don't know if we'll be together again this lifetime, but I'm preparing not to be, but leaving the possibility open.

I know this probably sounds very naive. I choose to believe this is the best course of action for now. Yes, he caved in to her when she didn't follow through with her responsibilities as his primary partner. But our connection is deep enough that I think it will persist. I'll risk having him in my life again, if I'm given that opportunity.

Sorry this is so long. Like I said, I'm old. :p

Nearlynormal 03-19-2012 03:50 PM

Hey there
Hi Julie. It's so good to read your sweet words about me/us. Huh.


AnnaK 03-20-2012 05:52 AM

And and addendum to K
I'm the K in this story, and about 2 years ago decided I wanted to have a man in my life again. (My own story is so odd and I won't add it right here.) The irony is that I did have a relationship with someone who had two other girlfriends (and therefore had assumed he was poly) but he is by no means doing poly at all - it's all rather secret.

I now see that I could have stayed with JuliaGay if I'd gotten the right sort of counseling. However, neither one of us would be where we are and I still wonder if she and I have some sort of a future together someday.

I still don't know if polyamory is right for me, but I do know I'm bisexual and would like to have "one of each" and if I'm to have that, polyamory is the best vehicle I can see to do that. I've never been successful long time (past 7 or 8 years) in any relationship and perhaps a life with having secondary relationships only are the best way for me to go. We shall see. I'm excited to start the journey. In the meantime, JuliaGay and I have become quite close friends (although she understandably has an air bubble between us, which I don't blame her for) and I have visited she and N in Tucson several times. Currently housesitting for them while they are gone this winter.

It's rather an awesome thing...

FrankLee 03-20-2012 11:55 AM

Nicely told story
This is a very interesting and information story of polyamory, and I'm surprised that there have not been more replies to it over the first 8 months that it has been posted. And, as well, it continues to confirm my suspicion that librarians are some of the most interesting people we ever get to know.

And, Julia, by the way, your story is not "long." It is brief and to the point. Look around this forum, and you will see looooooonnnnggg!

And, Julia, really, you are not old!

nycindie 03-20-2012 02:21 PM


Originally Posted by FrankLee (Post 129551)
This is a very interesting and information story of polyamory, and I'm surprised that there have not been more replies to it over the first 8 months that it has been posted.

Possibly because this is in the "Life stories and blogs" forum, where the threads are more like journals or diaries. Anyone can comment, and we often do comment on people's blog threads, but if there wasn't anything in particular to debate (since that is not allowed in blog threads) most folks probably just let it be.

See: User Guidelines

I, for one, have wondered where JuliaGay has been -- JG, I've enjoyed your posts before and look forward to hearing from you again!

JuliaGay 03-20-2012 05:48 PM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 129560)
I, for one, have wondered where JuliaGay has been -- JG, I've enjoyed your posts before and look forward to hearing from you again!

Hiya, NYC. Thank you for the kind words. :) My life for the last several months has been crazy. I'm an officer for a very small non-profit which has been dealing with a series of disasters -- embezzlement by our (former) treasurer, the retirement of our office manager and the failure of the person we hired to do the job, a complete loss of our contacts database, etc. I've taken over the office manager and treasurer duties, but thankfully that's almost over. At any rate, that's taken up most of my free time and when I do have free time, I've been hibernating.

I'll be around more, probably after the end of April when I relinquish the office manager and treasurer duties.


JuliaGay 03-26-2012 03:03 AM

Dear Dale,

Thank you.


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