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-   -   Less interested in sex with SO; does this happen often during strong NRE for another? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13998)

FancyDancy 08-29-2011 09:14 PM

Less interested in sex with SO; does this happen often during strong NRE for another?
 
I am still sexually attracted to my husband and we've been together for a long time (over 8 years), but I've noticed that I don't have nearly as strong of urges to want to have sex with him as I used to since I started a recent relationship that is full of NRE. Is this normal? I love him and I want to stay with him. Is the best course of action to just keep fucking my husband's brains out until the NRE is weaker with OSO? How do you all deal with these feelings if they have happened to you? He said that he feels like he's been the only one initiating recently (which is the opposite of what it was in the past). I just never have the urge to initiate, but I have fun when we are actually in the moment. I've been trying, but it definitely doesn't just happen on it's own like it used to. What do you all think about this? We have only had a non-monogamous relationship for about 5 months. The deepest of my other relationships has been going on for about 2 (though we were good friends for over a year before we dated, so the emotional connection was already there) and we are sexually intimate, but no full on intercourse yet. By the way, we are all in our mid-to-late-20s for context.

River 08-29-2011 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FancyDancy (Post 99671)
Is this normal?

It's not terribly uncommon. You're prolly a little giddy over the "new car smell", the "fancy-new-shiny". It happens to the best of us.

Recommendation: Deliberately cultivate newness with your long term partner. Do stuff that makes it fresh and new between you, and enjoin him in the effort as well. Go out on dates, as if you are new lovers; try new sexual activities (outdoors in warm weather is fun! [watch for flies]) Stuff like that.

MichelleZed 08-29-2011 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FancyDancy (Post 99671)
Is the best course of action to just keep fucking my husband's brains out until the NRE is weaker with OSO?

Dunno if that's the best course of action, but that's what I'm doing!

I've also been with my husband for 8 years, and I have a sort of way of thinking of this. Sex is still actually objectively better with my husband, once it gets going. We know each other's spots. He can get me off more easily. I can be more unreserved, especially with dirty talk. We can cuddle all night and whisper sweet nothings afterwards. BUT with the husband, it takes that extra effort to get the engine going, because it's an older car. ;)

I made an effort to initiate things with my husband because I didn't want him to feel neglected when I had something hot going on on the side. I didn't just make sure to initiate sex, but initiated other affectionate gestures. A little marital grope during housework never goes amiss. When he fixes things in our house, I call him a hot handyman and request that he wear a toolbelt. Just so he can feel nice and objectified. :)

Try it! It becomes a habit. Don't tell my husband, but I did have to "fake it until I made it" for a little while. Not faking orgasms--just faking enthusiasm in initiating. But those lovin' feelings come back with practice! (Sometimes it helped me to think during sex about what a slut I was, having sex with all these men, but hey, don't know if that'll work for you.)

Sex with the piece on the side, on the other hand, has a different vibe to it. Oh god I want him so desperately that just kissing him starts liquid gushing out of me and running down my legs. I hum with desire when we touch. I spend actual hours thinking about his beautiful penis. This is my biological response at its best, so I just enjoy because I know this feeling won't last forever.

NeonKaos 08-29-2011 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FancyDancy (Post 99671)
Is the best course of action to just keep fucking my husband's brains out until the NRE is weaker with OSO?

Yes.

Caveat: There is nothing that says you can't fantasize about OSO when you're fucking your husband.

nycindie 08-29-2011 10:50 PM

Desire naturally ebbs and flows in any long-term relationship. I don't see anything to worry about.



And might I add, I often use the phrase "fuck [someone's] brains out" and people tease me about it, so I had to laugh when I read your post.

JuliaGay 08-29-2011 11:00 PM

I'll third or fourth these comments. Initiating with any long term partner can become a problem for me. Having a new partner often allows me to do better in that department because I have all this extra sexual energy flowing. :)

justlost 08-30-2011 02:59 AM

Neon-
I just had to ask... does that really seem right to you?

I mean ... hell I don't know what I mean but it just seems wrong and if I ever though Khas was doing that with me I think it would break the little pieces that are left in my heart into ash...

so I guess if anyone has to follow the advice of your caveat they should keep in mind that is one of those things that you never never never tell anyone.... ever....

just my 2cents

MichelleZed 08-30-2011 03:29 AM

Fantasies aren't right or wrong... people think of all sorts of things during sex. That's the beauty of our brains!

But no, it's not good etiquette to tell your parter you were thinking of someone else, unless you think that might turn them on too. ;)

nycindie 08-30-2011 03:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justlost (Post 99749)
that is one of those things that you never never never tell anyone.... ever....

Unless the idea really gets your partner off. For lots of people, talking about your fantasies while fucking is HAWT!

justlost 08-30-2011 05:01 AM

Fantasies sure.. I was referring to the idea of thinking if one lover in order to perform with the other.

I mean if you don't want to fuck me because you really want to then don't.

Weird this brings up a lot for me, guess its back to my blasted journal


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