I have wanted to start a personal thread for a while but didn’t know where to begin… I have so much to say but don’t know what to say. Anyway…. I thought I would start with my current relationship status.
I have been with Jonny since I was 20. We’ve been together for 11 years and married for 8. The majority of that time we have been monogamous. Except the whole time I have been with him there have been other people that I have loved and wanted to be with. This was a source of shame and self-hatred for me because I couldn’t understand how I could develop intense feelings for people other than my husband, because that is not how it is “supposed to be”. We decided to try something new, which I guess would be a “poly marriage” so that I could explore/express my feelings for other people…. Women in particular.
I’ve been in love with M for a few years now and have kept my feelings for her to myself until earlier this year. We have decided to keep our relationship non-sexual because of our differing ideas of “what we are looking for”. I don’t really know what to call us or how to define our relationship. Just like my Jonny, she’s my family and my home.
I recently went out with a girl I know who I have had strong feelings for for quite some time. It didn’t work out, and I’m still a bit sad about that.
I suppose that’s all I have to say right now :)
I'm feeling really sad today. It could just be the rain, but also it could be something that's been nagging at me for a while.... I don't understand how someone would date me happily when they think that I am going behind my husband's back, but if he knows about it, its weird and won't work. I don't get how someone would prefer me to be a big liar and a cheater rather than an open and honest person. *sigh* :(
so when I first "came out" to my husband (who is mono) about my feelings for women and about monogamy was understandably shaken. And for several months things around the house were very emotionally charged and often very tense. But in the last couple of months this seems to have abated, and while I wouldn't say they are back to normal (we are, I feel, much closer now and more tightly knit as a pair than we ever were before), we have reached a happier place. All the changes are beginning to settle a bit more, and I guess I just feel like things are moving back towards balance and contentment.
In the last little while i have been having a relationship-y issue with a friend who J knows i would happily have as more than a friend, and had asked him for advice about what I should do. And while he would always have tried to help me in the past, today it was different. It was like, he could see it as something completely different and not in any way threatening to the relationship that I have with him. and it was really nice.
after today I feel like this journey we are on is a little bit less scary and I have more hope that he and I will both be just fine.
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