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-   -   Approaching a non-poly person (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13945)

Irena 08-27-2011 03:52 PM

Approaching a non-poly person
I'm looking for general advice, perspectives, related stories here. I'm in a very happy poly relationship with my fiancÚ, and we've also been dating another couple for the last couple of months which has been going great. My question is about asking out a person who I know doesn't identify as poly.

The guy in question is an old and close friend of my fiancÚ's... since my fiancÚ has been openly poly for years (long before he and I started dating) he knows all about it. We've had a flirtatious dynamic since we met, and I have a wicked crush on him. I've floated it by my fiancÚ and he doesn't have a problem with the idea of us dating, but he also thinks it's unlikely to happen, because his friend has previously said he doesn't think he could do polyamory.

When we met Hot Friend was in a long-distance relationship, so making a move was out of the question. Now they've broken up, and I'm wondering if I should give it a shot.

On the one hand, faint heart never won fair lad, so why not just ask and see what he says? I don't have a lot of experience asking guys out, though I have done it a couple of times, and I'll freely admit the thought gives me the willies... but that's no good reason not to do it. In principle I firmly believe that if you want something you should ask for it, and I'm trying to get bolder about doing that in my life.

On the other hand, Hot Friend knows about our relationship, knows about polyamory, and has said (though not to me) that he wouldn't want to do it. I can hope that he's reconsidered it since then, or would be willing to give it a shot with the right girl (me? pretty please?), but maybe it's on him to make a move if that's the case.

And on the third hand, while my fiancÚ has said he'd be okay with us dating, there's still the fact that Hot Friend is one of his best friends, would be a poly novice and probably an uncertain one, and there's lots of potential for confusion, agony, and bad feelings. I'd hate to be involved in making their relationship uncomfortable or strained, so maybe I should just let it lie regardless of whether he'd be up for it.

I really can't tell if I have good reasons for hesitating to approach him or whether I'm just being chickenshit. What would you do, and why?

TruckerPete 08-27-2011 04:36 PM


Originally Posted by Irena (Post 99376)
I really can't tell if I have good reasons for hesitating to approach him or whether I'm just being chickenshit. What would you do, and why?

The second one. ;)

Seriously, ask him out for a date. If he says no, you can get on with life. If he says yes, you can worry about new things.

DrunkenPorcupine 08-28-2011 05:53 AM

I'd agree. Ask him out. If he's not interested, he'll let you know (hopefully graciously). If he's interested, you guys can take it from there, address the concerns and move on, be it together or seperately, but I think it's won't be too big of an issue.

Far less than the wondering is, certainly.

naughty 08-29-2011 02:26 AM

It never hurts to ask :) he might say yes or he might say no... but either way you will be able to stop worrying about it.

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