How to propose poly to my bf?
I was doing little research on polyamory and found about this forum. I'm in a hard situation right now an I hope advices from more experienced people could help me. So, thank you in advance for your time. :)
English is not my mother tongue but I hope we'll understand each other.
Well, here's the situation:
I'm 23 old female in monogamous relationship with guy who's 33. We've been together for more than a year, and so far things are going pretty well and serious - not that we talk about marriage or living together, but in a year or two... To wrap it up, we agree that we have a potential for becoming life partners.
But, here comes a twist. Before I met him I had casual sex with other guy, but that ended and we stayed friends. In the meantime he become poly. We are both aware that we're not romantically interested in each other but we share chemistry, freedom, we inspire each other. He told me it means very much to him and that we could have much more than sex. He's also concerned for me not to restrain myself. It would be nice if we could spend time together and not think if this or that is right or not.
Other thing is that I've been unusual person all my life but lately I realised I started to compromise too much. I'm becoming plain and conformist to the point of discomfort. Doing what society expects from me is not in my nature and current situation is really choking me. This is in terms of life in general.
Above all I've always thought of monogamy as confining and determinate, but so far I never had a need to cross it's boundaries or a need to reorganise my life in non-monogamous way.
I'm afraid if I tell all this to my boyfriend I'll hurt him very much. He's very liberal but this is not about his intellect but about his feelings. Bringing this up could lead to him feeling insufficient, inadequate, etc. On the other hand I know I must bring on this subject for my sake. He's been young as I am and gone through all struggles of youth and he decided what's best for him. I'm young and I need to make my choices. I just don't know how to do it or where to start. Anyway, is there any right way to start?
Try this website. 14 Steps to Opening a Monogamous Marriage is a good template.
My wife and I are going through a similar situation. She's 26 and I'm 34. She recently came out to me as poly and it didn't go over so well. My advice is to explore the topic as a team instead of just informing him that this is something you want to do. Be patient and give him time to process his feelings. Make sure he knows you still love him and that there's nothing wrong with him. For me it helped a lot that my wife said things like "I'm being completely open and honest with you about my feelings" and "I'm talking to you before taking any actions". For me it hurt a lot to hear "These feelings started when you did ____" and "I'm doing this to bring home positive energy for you".
I had a ton of questions for her, like "Is it okay if I just pick up some chick and have a one night stand?" Answer those questions honestly and have your own boundaries. At one point, I asked "Is it okay for me to fuck a prostitute?" Since she had no boundaries for me, I just thought she was desperate to be with the other guy at any cost.
That's my experience anyway. You can read more about it in "Help... my wife is moving too fast."
I'd agree with Cheesehead. My own intro to poly came in much a similar fashion, and it ended up in two months of constant fighting, anxiety, sorrow, etc. Only after my wife ended her relationship with her alternate and "came down" to my level was I able to quiet myself down and really try to wrap my head around things (with her help and support). If we had educated ourselves on the subject and improved our communication skills before exploring other relationships, I think we could have navigated poly without all the hurt and heartbreak.
Try to think about whether poly would be good for you and your husband's relationship first, and approach the issue from that perspective. From my own experience, and from reading a lot of other people's stories, it seems that if one party in a monogamous relationship proposes poly IN ORDER TO get involved with a specific person, that this causes a lot of stress in the relationship and a lot of hurt feelings. (Of course, you do want to get involved with someone else, and you shouldn't deny nor feel guilty about those feelings)
One guideline is that the relationship opens up at the pace of the slowest person. Move too fast and you risk damaging the relationship.
Frequently, couples have to improve their communication skills a lot before they can even discuss the subject in a healthy way.
Kudos to taking the time to research this first before moving ahead. Plenty of people just jump right in without making sure their spouse is comfortable first and end up causing all sorts of problems with their relationship.
This is new to me as well. My gf told me after we had been dating a little bit. It wasn't serious between us at that point. I told her I would research and see what I thought. I have been on here since. She came out and told me, just flat out. I had to ask what it was. It scared the shit out of me to be honest. I ended up not talking to her for three days. I came around. I can't say I love every aspect of it, but it has its advantages. I no longer have the worry about someone cheating on me. Just be honest and forward. Be prepared to do a lot of talking, remember to listen to what he is saying. Don't dismiss anything he says. Slow is good, I have been working through my issues for about 4 months now and I can't say that everything is 100% ok but there is a reasonable level of comfort for me. Message me if you care to know more. I am always willing to share. Best of luck.
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