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-   -   Confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13846)

BigTalker 08-23-2011 11:55 AM

Confused
 
Here's my situation to add to the multitudes...My husband and I are happily married. We have had a remarkable situation from the beginning. Love, acceptance, and honesty have been staples from the start. We have dabbled in dating others, swinging, etc. I though have not had sex with another man since we met. We have had threesomes...those were fun and helped me realize I am more straight than I first thought, lol. But I think it has all been a stepping stone to Polyamory. He has recently had an old flame enter his life and on paper she is the perfect "unicorn". I don't ever want to deny him or judge him. I have been a willing participant in all our crazy ideas. I was totally on board for the poly thing. I have never been very faithful myself or thought one person was enough for one other person. The ironic problem now is I am completely happy with one person. I really have no desire to date, be intimate with anyone else. Regardless of jealousy exercises or anything else, what I have come to realize is a fundamental difference, I want him to NOT want to be poly. I want him to feel the same way I do about him, but it is not the case. Now that I know this...how do I deal with it? He would give up the poly, but if I really love him and want his happiness, then I would rather just deal with it all. Where do I start accepting and losing the hurt I feel. Thanks for listening!

Magdlyn 08-23-2011 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigTalker (Post 98724)
Here's my situation to add to the multitudes...My husband and I are happily married. We have had a remarkable situation from the beginning. Love, acceptance, and honesty have been staples from the start. We have dabbled in dating others, swinging, etc. I though have not had sex with another man since we met. We have had threesomes...those were fun and helped me realize I am more straight than I first thought, lol.

3somes with another woman or women, you mean.

Quote:

But I think it has all been a stepping stone to Polyamory. He has recently had an old flame enter his life and on paper she is the perfect "unicorn". I don't ever want to deny him or judge him. I have been a willing participant in all our crazy ideas. I was totally on board for the poly thing. I have never been very faithful myself or thought one person was enough for one other person. The ironic problem now is I am completely happy with one person. I really have no desire to date, be intimate with anyone else.
You've changed! Hmm, maybe you'll change back to wanting another lover one of these days. But don't attempt to have a 3way with this unicorn if you really don't feel like it. Unicorns are overrated.

Quote:

Regardless of jealousy exercises or anything else, what I have come to realize is a fundamental difference, I want him to NOT want to be poly. I want him to feel the same way I do about him, but it is not the case. Now that I know this...how do I deal with it? He would give up the poly, but if I really love him and want his happiness, then I would rather just deal with it all. Where do I start accepting and losing the hurt I feel. Thanks for listening!
Well, if a person is poly, they are poly. Even if they don't act on it. It's good you know how you feel about seeing others (for now), but he's feeling differently. You can feel something-- "I wish he wasn't poly, just because I am not." Feelings are feelings. It's what you do with them that matters. And you must honor your partner's feelings, or resentment would build, I'd think.

Why do you want him to only be with you now, after so many years of playing around with others?

nycindie 08-23-2011 09:45 PM

BT, it sounds like you have reached a level of comfort and satisfaction in your relationship that makes you very happy. I could see how you could feel disappointment that he still wants to pursue an additional relationship and practice polyamory, because we so often want that sense of solidarity and the sharing of mutual goals with our loved ones. You are tuning in to a sense of oneness with him, and want to preserve it. I think that speaks volumes of the love you share with him. From what you've written, I think that's more what it is than jealousy per se.

But people develop and change and grow individually, so he may never reach that point of wanting only a monogamous situation, or he might feel that way some day, and who knows where your head will be then. I think that, if exercised with compassion and a respect for your feelings, he can still have another relationship without letting you feel like you're not getting enough of his love. It will take some work on both your parts. You may need to look at any insecurities you have and deal with them, remind yourself of all the wonderful things you are grateful for in your relationship, and be sure to express what needs to be communicated to him. He will have to be sensitive to your feelings, and may need to make special efforts to let you know how loved you are. Remember that his ability to be with, and even love, others does not mean he doesn't also experience a sense of oneness with you.

You both may want to read that book, The Five Love Languages, so you're both on the same page as far as knowing how to let the other be aware of what you feel. You may also need to sit down and discuss boundaries. My impression of how it's been thus far between you two, is that it's been fairly loose and casual as far as the swinging, threesomes, etc., but maybe you will feel better with a little more structure, such as a designated number of times per week he can go out and be with her. It's always nice when an established couple reserves a certain day each week for each other -- definitely make sure that you two share time together on "dates" and not just "running the household" type stuff.

redpepper 08-24-2011 02:37 PM

I think you're going to have to let it go. You have no control over him at all. You can make requests and negotiate boundaries so that the pacing is okay and you feel somewhat pushed, but comfortable, but that's about all the control you have.

He could date this woman on his own no? Why have a triad? Nothing in the poly hand book says ALL poly relationship dynamics should be FMF unicorn situations. I would love to know why this seems to be thee situation to strive for for most poly people who come into poly as a couple? (Sorry, that is to the greater audience and another thread topic). There are many options. Maybe you will find that you are interested in dating men at some point. Especially as you are not bisexual. Maybe a threesome with a man would be fun. Shake it up a little ya know? The men don't have to have sex, but you get all the attention ;)

Carma 08-24-2011 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 98799)
BT, it sounds like you have reached a level of comfort and satisfaction in your relationship that makes you very happy. I could see how you could feel disappointment that he still wants to pursue an additional relationship and practice polyamory, because we so often want that sense of solidarity and the sharing of mutual goals with our loved ones. You are tuning in to a sense of oneness with him, and want to preserve it. I think that speaks volumes of the love you share with him. From what you've written, I think that's more what it is than jealousy per se.

But people develop and change and grow individually, so he may never reach that point of wanting only a monogamous situation, or he might feel that way some day, and who knows where your head will be then. I think that, if exercised with compassion and a respect for your feelings, he can still have another relationship without letting you feel like you're not getting enough of his love. It will take some work on both your parts. You may need to look at any insecurities you have and deal with them, remind yourself of all the wonderful things you are grateful for in your relationship, and be sure to express what needs to be communicated to him. He will have to be sensitive to your feelings, and may need to make special efforts to let you know how loved you are. Remember that his ability to be with, and even love, others does not mean he doesn't also experience a sense of oneness with you.

Brilliant. Love you nyc. You are so spot on, this is so helpful to hear. BT, hang in there! There's a lot of familiar feelings going on in my marriage right now. You're not alone.


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