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-   -   Help - my wife is moving too fast! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13832)

Cheesehead100 08-22-2011 10:18 PM

Help - my wife is moving too fast!
 
My wife and I have been married for about a year now (after 4+ years of dating). The topic of open relationships has come up before and we each found it an interesting idea, but quickly decided it wasn't for us.

Now my wife met another man, has strong feelings for him and wants to start a poly-relationship with him/me. She first told me about it a week ago an I've been trying to learn in seriousness about polyamory. Frankly it's really hard to keep an open mind when your right in the middle of the situation.

We've started talking about boundaries and I've asked her to keep the physical stuff out of bounds until I can learn anti-jealousy coping tools. Now she thinks I'm trying to control her life and has even threatened to leave me. I love my wife a lot but she's going way too fast for me. Help!

Moonglow 08-23-2011 12:55 AM

I am not a good person to say anything about this as I didn't have a very good first relationship. Basically what we did is we all sat down together and decided a few things and went from there. It worked for a while but outside influences got in the way and the relationship ended. I don't think threats are a good way to start out on the right foot.

I hope she won't ruin it before it gets started properly. Best wishes to you.

MonoVCPHG 08-23-2011 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cheesehead100 (Post 98662)
Now she thinks I'm trying to control her life and has even threatened to leave me.

Let her. She gave you an ultimatum...now let her deal with it.

Allstar 08-23-2011 03:01 AM

First you need to identify what issues you are having with jealousy. I know mine are rooted in Is she going to replace me and am I enough. This might not be yours. You might be feeling that you will lose that special something that is between you, who knows. Do some reading on jealousy, identify you fears within the green eyed monster. Remember jealousy is an emotion that can be handled in a multitude of ways. This weekend I found myself jealousy that my gf is off at an event and seeing her other guy. I just reminded myself she is coming home to me. This in no way makes it 100% better but easier to handle. I am mono and just found myself in this type of relationship with a woman. I am trying to be open to it. You need to talk (stay calm), remember talk to her about what you are feeling and listen to what she has to say. Read up on primary and secondary relationships talk to her about what she feels is appropriate in each. Ask her why this happened. Is it because you two have hit a road bump or is it because she is just poly and has that much love to share around. Ask a lot of questions, this is you life and as much as hers. Be honest and supportive, don't get angry and lash out at her. This is the stuff that helped me the most. Try reading though the stuff on www.Xeromag.com

AutumnalTone 08-23-2011 03:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 98692)
Let her. She gave you an ultimatum...now let her deal with it.

Exactly. Wave good-bye.

AnnabelMore 08-23-2011 03:19 AM

Just a week ago this started and she thinks it's unfair for her to give you a little time, even though you're actively trying to learn and be comfortable??! She's got to slow down and realize that she's not behaving like her relationship with you is something valuable that she wants to be careful to preserve. If the feelings between her and this new guy are really so strong, they'll survive a little waiting.

Respect is the most basic thing you must have from your partner, whether you're poly or mono. If she won't give you that, I would take Mono's advice and let her leave. Better yet, flip it around and let her know that you can't stay if she refuses to acknowledge and work with your feelings. I know that sounds extreme, but the way she's pressuring you is not ok. It's emotional manipulation to get what she wants, it reminds me of a teenage boy insisting that his girlfriend get sexual right away when she wants to take it just a little bit slower. After all, this could affect your heart and your health as much as hers, she's got to take you into account if she cares about you!

Cheesehead100 08-23-2011 12:27 PM

Thanks for the support everyone. Obviously its very hard to leave this woman that I love very much. I'm not sure if Poly is for me but there is at least glimmer of hope that i can do this and we can stay together.

We talked a lot last night and she clarified that it was no threat to leave. She was actually trying to leave me because she didn't think I can deal with this. Maybe she is right. I did also tell her some of my needs. The main thing is that if she wants me to be her primary, then I need to be #1 priority. This week, I'm feeling like her last priority and she keeps explaining how seeking poly is because I neglected her and said this and said that. I downloaded the jealously workbook thing from Allstar's link but could bring myself to start it.

Right now I'm just feeling like she has made this life changing decision without me and left me in the dust so she can chase her own desires. Man this sucks.

SNeacail 08-23-2011 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cheesehead100 (Post 98729)
We talked a lot last night and she clarified that it was no threat to leave. She was actually trying to leave me because she didn't think I can deal with this. Maybe she is right. I did also tell her some of my needs. The main thing is that if she wants me to be her primary, then I need to be #1 priority. This week, I'm feeling like her last priority and she keeps explaining how seeking poly is because I neglected her and said this and said that. I downloaded the jealously workbook thing from Allstar's link but could bring myself to start it.

You guys have some serious issues to work out between you. That she is seeking poly as some sort of revenge is a VERY bad sign of things to come.

Cheesehead100 08-23-2011 02:43 PM

Okay, so I don't think that came across correctly. I don't think she's trying to just get revenge. I honestly believe that she has uncovered a very important part of her identity that has been to this point suppressed. My issue is that she keeps explaining how I can't fulfill all her needs and our relationship can't survive without the freedom to get fulfillment from other places. This is obviously a jealousy trigger for me but she doesn't know how to be or isn't patient enough to be sensitive to the fact that this is a struggle for me.

nycindie 08-23-2011 09:26 PM

Why not ask her to join here and post her side of the story. It's usually very helpful, in terms of what kind of feedback other members can offer, if we hear from all parties involved. Her perspective, and the feedback she gets, could help you, too.


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