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-   -   Advice for a new/potential secondary (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13826)

JenAgain 08-22-2011 08:07 PM

Advice for a new/potential secondary
 
Been a while since I've posted here, tried searching but couldn't find quite what I was looking for, so I'm making a new post.

I recently met an amazing man. It started as flirting, and rapidly progressed. There is huge NRE fog right now, and I'm trying to look through it. Hubby knows about him, he knows about hubby. He feels the same way about me as I do about him, but he's afraid to commit 100% when he knows in a few months (hubby of course is deployed which is so not ideal in this situation), that it will go down to 50%. He's afraid to get in too deep.

He said, and he's right "the fact will always remain that Drew is your husband and him and your family will always come first". I can't argue with that.

How do secondaries handle this? Is there any advice or something to think about i can tell him? He's not a forum person, so he most likely will not come here....I feel like he's looking for answers, and I don't know that there is any except for taking one day at a time.

Thanks

ladyslipper 08-22-2011 09:08 PM

Maybe this would help give him a more concrete frame of reference and something to work from:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html

nycindie 08-22-2011 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JenAgain (Post 98635)
He feels the same way about me as I do about him, but he's afraid to commit 100% when he knows in a few months (hubby of course is deployed which is so not ideal in this situation), that it will go down to 50%. He's afraid to get in too deep.

He said, and he's right "the fact will always remain that Drew is your husband and him and your family will always come first". I can't argue with that.

First of all, when someone commits to a relationship it can only be 100%. There's no such thing as committing halfway. You either do or you don't.

What he would need to reconcile himself with, however, is that he'd be committing 100% toward a relationship that is just not conventional. He would have to understand that you have a husband and children which would limit your time, but not necessarily your ability to love. When he said to you that your hubs and family will always come first, it sounds like a lament. That is troublesome, I think. He may not be able to handle being in a polyamorous situation, and might wind up wishing he could steal you away. You may want to consider just embarking on a FWB arrangement with him, knowing that he is afraid to invest any emotional commitment. And then you just need to be careful and guard your own heart.

JenAgain 08-23-2011 02:23 AM

Thank you, I'll print out the secondary thing for him, and discuss it more when I see him next. All I can do is offer him the info and go from there... :)

AnnabelMore 08-23-2011 03:26 AM

As someone in a secondary relationship with a married woman, having other relationships -- first casual, and now a serious one -- has helped a lot. It doesn't make me miss my gf less when I'm missing her but it does distract me and remind me that I'm my own person and I can build my own life instead of just trying to figure out how to fit better into hers. I'm not saying he should find a relationship just for this reason... perish the thought... but it might be good for him to consciously stay open.

dingedheart 08-23-2011 03:43 PM

hey Jen,

what happen to the last guy ...other guy ...first guy ... sorry I don't know his designation or his initials ? Did you and your husband get some sort of frame work hammered out before he deployed?

JenAgain 08-23-2011 06:07 PM

First guy..J.... while hubs was kind of going through the issues of things we backed off.. and his feelings were never as strong as mine were, which I was okay with.. I knew that from the start. Then he got a g/f and she moved in with him in June. He's currently deployed with hubby.

And yes, we did make agreements for how things would work while he was deployed, and I talk to him pretty much every day so we keep up with what's going on.

redpepper 08-24-2011 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seanwright22 (Post 98856)
Well Jen your friend or should i call him as a ("boyfriend") .. He is right!! U r married and cant cheat ur hubby..its too selfish..just think about it..And remember one thing dont get carried away..SHIT HAPPENS

HUH?!

What's all that mean?

AutumnalTone 08-24-2011 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 98892)
HUH?!

What's all that mean?

I suspect, based on the commercial link on his profile, that he's just here trying to get attention to his profile to avoid the spamming rules. As long as he's not posting spam links in his messages or in a sig file that appears with those messages, he's not in violation.

However, posts such as the one he just made do qualify as trolling and I did award him with an infraction for the effort. Claiming that poly folk are cheating just isn't going to fly....

Carma 08-24-2011 04:06 PM

I think it's a case of him realizing what he is getting himself into and whether it's what he wants or not. But it's great that you've been completely honest with him. The decision to sign on is his. And it's true -- he may not be willing to risk getting hurt. He may not be interested in being a secondary.

Butch is ADAMANT about my marriage staying intact. He does not want me to compromise my family for him, in any way. When you are honest and upfront like you are being, it's like saying: "This is me. Love all of me, and the fact is, I am married and I have a family I am committed to." Sometimes I feel funny when I'm in bed with Butch and I look down at my wedding ring. I think, "I should hide that under the pillow or something! Doesn't that bother him?" And I realize, this ring is a symbol of something that is the Truth. And we are not about lies. That's what makes our relationship so great. It is what it is. Butch makes it perfectly clear to me that he is not open to me showing up on his doorstep to move in! But our circumstances are unique.

Your new man has to ask himself the tough questions: "Do I want a full-time lover? Do I want a partner in life who will live with me?" That is not the relationship you are offering him. Yes, it can evolve, but just for today, this is where you stand, so he can't come into it with any delusions. You've been loving enough to make that clear to him. Another question he may need to ask himself is, "Do I believe this woman loves her husband, or am I hoping that's not really true?" That's a tricky one. He needs to examine his motives. "An expectation is a premeditated resentment." So it's good to be perfectly clear on what you both want.


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