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-   -   not sure what to do (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13809)

leslie 08-22-2011 02:52 PM

not sure what to do
 
I am married to a wonderful man whom I love very much. When we got married i agreed to work with him on having a poly relationship. Everything we discussed was about my being involved with a third person. With all of us being friends and potentially lovers. It sounded lovely but we didn't have anyone in mind.
Recently my husband got a job where he met a transgender MTF, that he has become very attracted to. The feeling is mutual between them. We have done a lot of things with A., as a threesome that are just fun. Increasingly, my husband has been sharing his fantasies with me. He is really turned on by A and wants to go on dates and be more sexual with her.
He is a kind person and we have talked a lot about how to ease into this, as we are newly wed, and just new to poly. We have a lot of knowledge about poly relationships, but very little positive experience.
About a year ago, he wanted to visit a HS girlfriend for the weekend, and that didn't work out very well with everyone feeling hurt and abandoned.
We learned to increase the communication, but I am still wary from that, I guess.
We made several agreements when my husband started dating, and he pretty much stuck to them, with some small variations that pushed my buttons.
It seems that my husband keeps misunderstanding exactly what we have agreed to and pushes the boundaries, then acts like he couldn't possibly have known that it would bother me.
An example of this is an agreement that they go to dinner together and then play pool. Instead, they ended up in her apartment to watch a movie together.
It felt like he upped the level of intimacy without talking to me, but he thought it was fine.
Anyway, we usually have good communication, but I am experiencing a lot of anxiety when he goes on a date with her. I am working on my insecurities with a therapist, and often feel like this is a good thing for our relationship, it brings us closer and gets us to talk about important issues, but I am also feeling like i wish I had never agreed to even consider poly. It brings me a lot of heart ache and sadness, too.
What should I do? The last conversation we had, I asked him to end the sexual aspect of the friendship and have us try to get back to the fun we used to have as three friends who like each other.
There is a whole other matter of the fact that they work in an office together that I have not discussed here, but I worry about, too.
thanks for listening.
Leslie

Magdlyn 08-22-2011 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leslie (Post 98568)
Recently my husband got a job where he met a transgender MTF, that he has become very attracted to. The feeling is mutual between them. We have done a lot of things with A., as a threesome that are just fun. Increasingly, my husband has been sharing his fantasies with me. He is really turned on by A and wants to go on dates and be more sexual with her...

It seems that my husband keeps misunderstanding exactly what we have agreed to and pushes the boundaries, then acts like he couldn't possibly have known that it would bother me.
An example of this is an agreement that they go to dinner together and then play pool. Instead, they ended up in her apartment to watch a movie together.
It felt like he upped the level of intimacy without talking to me, but he thought it was fine.

Yeah, big difference between a date out in public and an intimate date cuddling at home on the couch. I hope he learns to take the boundaries you 2 have agreed on more seriously. Going more slowly will give you more time to get used to it, and reduce jealousy.

Quote:

What should I do? The last conversation we had, I asked him to end the sexual aspect of the friendship and have us try to get back to the fun we used to have as three friends who like each other.
Nice fantasy, but when the sexy feelings start, you can't really turn them off. You know the expression NRE? New relationship energy. Infatuation. Those hormones are hard to fight and they can make us do crazy things, and in poly that can mean not taking our primary's feelings under consideration as much as we should.

Quote:

There is a whole other matter of the fact that they work in an office together that I have not discussed here, but I worry about, too.
thanks for listening.
Leslie
Keep working on things! Communicate, communicate, communicate.

AutumnalTone 08-22-2011 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leslie (Post 98568)
An example of this is an agreement that they go to dinner together and then play pool. Instead, they ended up in her apartment to watch a movie together.
It felt like he upped the level of intimacy without talking to me, but he thought it was fine.

I have to say that should anybody try to micromanage my dates in any fashion, that would be the end of any relationship with that person.

My wife wants to dictate what I can and can't do on a date with somebody else? I'm filing for divorce the following business day. Homey don't play that game. I don't provide schedules and itineraries nor play-by-play descriptions. I certainly don't need permission as to how I engage in my other relationships.

leslie 08-22-2011 07:57 PM

As newcomers to poly we agreed to take things very slowly, it is what suited both of us. My husband is still very cautious about having a sexual relationship with this person due to their working in a small office together. He has also let the person know that we are happily married and intend to stay that way.
Perhaps you do not conduct your relationships this way, which is fine.
I think that most likely you would want to divorce me, as I would you.
Thanks for responding to my post, it did make me think.

nycindie 08-22-2011 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leslie (Post 98632)
As newcomers to poly we agreed to take things very slowly, it is what suited both of us.

Hmm, well, since your husband keeps pushing the boundaries and then doesn't understand where the problem is when you feel hurt, I would think that either he doesn't really agree to them as much as you think, may not be clear about what the boundaries are, or that the boundaries are excessively restrictive.

I understand that you want things to move slowly so that you can handle it, but maybe there's a different way to do that than micromanaging his dating activities. I do think it's a good and productive thing to address your insecurities in therapy, but maybe you have to let go a bit and trust.

leslie 08-22-2011 09:32 PM

Thank you, that was helpful.
I agree that micromanaging is destructive. Interesting idea to let go and trust. How do you do that? It is a mystery to me how people can trust one another. I have been so hurt in the past, I have a lot of healing to do. I am not really sure that Polyamory is filling my needs. I think intellectually, I am totally on board, but my emotional state is pretty fragile.

Magdlyn 08-23-2011 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 98624)
I have to say that should anybody try to micromanage my dates in any fashion, that would be the end of any relationship with that person.

My wife wants to dictate what I can and can't do on a date with somebody else? I'm filing for divorce the following business day. Homey don't play that game. I don't provide schedules and itineraries nor play-by-play descriptions. I certainly don't need permission as to how I engage in my other relationships.

Wow, really? If miss pixi tells me she is going on a date with someone new and it's for dinner out, I expect her to have dinner out! I'd be quite upset if she spent the evening in instead. And I'm experienced in poly. At the very least I'd want a text from her telling me the plans had changed. And leslie and her h are just trying this for the first time. Once the relationship is established and everyone is cool, then of course, things can be more flexible.

Quote:

It seems that my husband keeps misunderstanding exactly what we have agreed to and pushes the boundaries, then acts like he couldn't possibly have known that it would bother me.
We talk about communication and boundaries all the time here. If your dh really doesnt understand why you need a certain boundary, he may find it too restrictive and keep pushing the envelope.

You say you have trouble trusting anyone. If you're really emotionally fragile around this issue, for a number of reasons, you may need to work on that, even get therapy for it. But meanwhile, have you let your h know your general feelings about (not) trusting anyone?

Try reading around the links on this site

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolycommunication.html

And keep reading here. Do a tag search on jealousy, and mono/poly.

AnnabelMore 08-23-2011 12:13 PM

Hmmm. Yeah, being clear with your boundaries is key. If you said "I want to know exactly what you're doing on your date and if it changes I want to know before you do something new so I can make sure I feel comfortable with it" that's one thing, whereas if you just said "I want to know what you guys do on dates" I can easily see how he'd think "I'll tell her when I get home," which I suppose he must have done since you know about it. It might be that you didn't realize that was a boundary before now. But it does seem pretty restrictive to me and like a tough thing to follow... a date with a person can often be kinda organic, y'know?

As for stepping the relationship back... I guess I would ask myself is it just friendship and sex for them, or are there feelings involved? If the latter, that's a harsh thing to ask. I mean, the original idea was for you to have the outside relationship, can you imagine how you'd feel if you'd formed one and were falling for someone with (you thought) your husband's blessing and participation, only to then have to suddenly cut it off? I'm not saying that's not maybe what needs to happen, just recognize that it might be a hurtful thing to require of him, and that working on your jealousy and trust issues might be the better road if you can. The xeromag.com articles are all very good.

leslie 08-23-2011 06:11 PM

This is SO helpful. I am so grateful to all of you, it feels really good to get such thoughtful and kind responses to my problem.
I want you to know that already we have worked on some of these issues, with your help, and I am feeling much more positive that this is a great thing for us as a couple and for a way for me to grow beyond my fears.
Thanks!

I really like the link, too.

AnnabelMore 08-23-2011 08:36 PM

So glad to hear that!! :)


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