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-   -   Longterm OSO (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13798)

dearprudence 08-22-2011 03:07 AM

Longterm OSO
 
I am in love with my Beta. Fucked up in love. It's been 8 months. The NRE phase is over - it's not manic and unbridled anymore. That was superb while it lasted! Now I just want him around. I want him to live here with me and my husband. I want to spend that kind of time with him. Get to know him in those daily-life ways. My relationship with my husband is better with him around. I need and want both of them. In the same bed with me in the middle. It's such a delicious fantasy. To fall asleep in both of their arms.

But alas, he is married, and this is where we are. He can be a bigger part of my life than I can be in his (my husband has other lovers welcome in our home, we have no kids, we're "out" to most friends and family vs. boyfriend has step-kids who live at home, wife who is "open" but requires absolute discretion).

I can't have more of him. I can only have what he has to offer. And I'm struggling. There is a connection that could last. This is a unique situation with its own set of limitations and boundaries. After 8 months, it's extremely difficult for me to not jump to conventional next steps - living together, planning for the future, waking up together, saying "good morning" face to face instead of via text?

What does a long term secondary look like? What does it feel like? Where does it go from here?

We are in a unique situation. And I struggle with seeing the positives of that when I want more right now.

And I know it's only 8 months. It's not NRE anymore, but it's still new and shiny. I don't know what happens next. I don't have a benchmark.

He is a priority in my life. He is important. He has a place that I make room for without much trouble. But what the hell do I do with this hunger for him? And just wanting him around?

redpepper 08-22-2011 06:30 AM

You wait. Wait and get used to it. Wait and see where life takes you. There is not much more I don't think. The option could be no super duper boyfriend or one that you don't get to be with as much as you like. Eventually time has a way of just creating things and I would think that you will get on with life and enjoy what you have for what it is.

Ah the joys of poly :)

JuliaGay 08-24-2011 04:37 PM

I had a 12 year secondary relationship and we didn't live together. It was a long distance relationship, but we wouldn't have lived together even if we were local to each other. We did have weekends together, so we did get to wake up with each other a few times a year.

Since these are the constraints for your relationship, you have to decide whether or not you can live with them. Is it a deal breaker that you won't live together? If not, I second Redpepper's advice. You wait and let the relationship grow as it will. I know it's not easy, but you've got to play the cards you're dealt (as they say) and not the ones you wish you had.

Hang in there, :)
Julia

Minxxa 08-24-2011 07:33 PM

I'm going to ask you a question, but don't take it the wrong way. :D Seriously, it's only to do some thought-provoking.

Why is not getting everything you want exactly how you want it, getting in the way of you enjoying what you have?

I ask because I see this a lot, where people focus on the one, two, five things that aren't going the way THEY want, and they are ignoring or forgetting all of the things they DO have.

Nothing is going to be the way we want it all of the time.

Some things are NEVER going to go exactly the way we want them to, especially if it involves another human being who has a whole entire life of their own.

Compromises will have to be made by one person or another at some point in any relationship for it to last. Some times one person will have their way, sometimes another, but it will have to happen. Everyone can't have their way all of the time-- unless we all want the same things exactly always, which you know doesn't happen! :D

Just a thought to keep things in perspective. As was mentioned, sometimes something not going your way is not something you can live with for whatever reason. Then you have to decide to let go.

Sometimes it's nice to focus on "I HAVE" instead of "I WANT". It's amazing how different the world looks through that lens...

nycindie 08-24-2011 08:26 PM

Minxxa, you are wise!

AnnabelMore 08-24-2011 08:34 PM

Yes, thanks for that, Minx. :)

Minxxa 08-25-2011 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 98935)
Minxxa, you are wise!

LOL, not always! This happens to be something I am working on myself right now-- and something I'm trying to get hubs to do as well. Because as much as things bug, and stuff isn't the way I'd like, when I really take a good hard look at my life and what I DO have... it's crazy good. And it's a good thing to remind myself of that on a daily basis!

nouryia 08-26-2011 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dearprudence (Post 98524)
What does a long term secondary look like? What does it feel like? Where does it go from here?


I've wondered that myself! My secondary relationship started almost a year ago, turning into full blown love about 7 months ago. We both have other partners and children we live with. Sometimes I wish for more, but like you, can't see it happening and it's frustrating... Though it's definitely worth it and I'd rather have my b/f part-time than not at all :)

polandrylady 08-26-2011 05:55 PM

Excellent Advice
 
I could see how it would bother some to not be able to see someone all the time, visually, but it makes it all the sweeter when you do see each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuliaGay (Post 98908)
I had a 12 year secondary relationship and we didn't live together. It was a long distance relationship, but we wouldn't have lived together even if we were local to each other. We did have weekends together, so we did get to wake up with each other a few times a year.

Since these are the constraints for your relationship, you have to decide whether or not you can live with them. Is it a deal breaker that you won't live together? If not, I second Redpepper's advice. You wait and let the relationship grow as it will. I know it's not easy, but you've got to play the cards you're dealt (as they say) and not the ones you wish you had.

Hang in there, :)
Julia


SourGirl 08-26-2011 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Minxxa (Post 98928)
I'm going to ask you a question, but don't take it the wrong way. :D Seriously, it's only to do some thought-provoking.

Why is not getting everything you want exactly how you want it, getting in the way of you enjoying what you have?

I ask because I see this a lot, where people focus on the one, two, five things that aren't going the way THEY want, and they are ignoring or forgetting all of the things they DO have.

Nothing is going to be the way we want it all of the time.

Some things are NEVER going to go exactly the way we want them to, especially if it involves another human being who has a whole entire life of their own.

Compromises will have to be made by one person or another at some point in any relationship for it to last. Some times one person will have their way, sometimes another, but it will have to happen. Everyone can't have their way all of the time-- unless we all want the same things exactly always, which you know doesn't happen! :D

Just a thought to keep things in perspective. As was mentioned, sometimes something not going your way is not something you can live with for whatever reason. Then you have to decide to let go.

Sometimes it's nice to focus on "I HAVE" instead of "I WANT". It's amazing how different the world looks through that lens...

I like Minxxa more and more, every post. :)

That is part of the 'darker-side' in the modern world.
People seem to feel entitled to want more, more, more.
Some confuse need vs. want.
some confuse 'goals' vs 'luxury problems'.
Others are always concentrating on what they don`t have, vs. what they do.

(This is not aimed at the poster who wishes she had more with her boyfriend.)

It is a general statement. This is a big trigger I find for me, and part of why I push away from diehard 'poly' minded people.
I have found it runs rampant to self-indulge, in unhealthy ways. I steer clear of people who exhibit the 'more-more-more' behaviour.

Your millage may vary, but I bet its all along the same highway.


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