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-   -   "Losing" one partner while still being involved with other(s)/ dealing with grief (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13717)

yougoqueer 08-19-2011 09:12 PM

"Losing" one partner while still being involved with other(s)/ dealing with grief
Hello :)
I am new to the forum but have been in poly and poly-like relationships since nearly a year now.
A big issue has been sticking around and really confuses me:

How can I cope with the grief of losing one partner OR being sad because a new crush isnīt interested while I am still involved with my other relationship(s)?
This feelings have been really confusing!

I feel really left alone with these issues as most of my friends donīt even understand the possibility of falling in love with more than one person...

How do YOU deal with this? (Un-)experienced poly folks, please give me some hints :)
Thank you!


Nacirema 08-20-2011 05:24 AM

I guess the same way you deal with the grief of any break-up or lost opportunity over some issue that's come up. I never really noticed a different trick or technique to it. Assuming you've been through a break up before/been turned down before, you should know how to handle it, plus you have support of other people to get you through it.

Now, if you've never dealt with either of those before, that's a whole different story, as well as a very surprising one...

yougoqueer 08-20-2011 09:24 AM

Thank you for your reply nacirema!

Of course I have been in situations where I had to deak with grief before.

I meant more the "extra" thing poly adds to the package.

I have a relationship> ok.
I have a crush on someone I have just started seeing> ok.
I am heartbroken because one partner leaves> :confused:

Maybe I am the only person who feels this is confusing.... (I am NOT talking morals here, just heart and feelings.)

AnnabelMore 08-20-2011 04:20 PM

Maybe it's confusing because you feel like you should be feeling the positive feelings from your crush and relationship, but instead you can only feel the grief right now? Or maybe your grief is getting in the way of your good relationship feelings but the crush is still going strong? Or maybe you feel like the grief *should* be the only thing you feel, yet you still feel the other things just fine? Or maybe your emotions jump all over the place all the time? You're not giving us much to go on here!

No matter what it is, though, just remember that your feelings are ok. Ask the people around you to be aware that you're feeling weird and sad, so that they're not totally confused too.

nycindie 08-20-2011 09:33 PM

It sounds like you're wondering if it's okay to grieve the end of one relationship while you have others, and if it's okay to feel the elation of a crush on someone else while still grieving. Well, your feelings are your feelings, and feeling what you feel is always okay. The only times we need to watch ourselves is when we indulge in "manufactured" emotions that come out of dwelling in our thoughts and overthinking until we get upset about something.

Grief is a rollercoaster ride and you often just have to let it take you where it does.

Magdlyn 08-21-2011 03:36 PM

When I feel grief over a crush not working out, or also recently, having been dumped by my boytoy of 2 years, I bring my sadness to my primary, and she is a great support.

I also post about it here quite a bit and get sympathy.

Tonberry 08-22-2011 12:47 AM

Have your partner support you when it doesn't work just like they would have supported you if it had. Go to them for support. Don't turn away from them, shun them or make comments about how your love life sucks: they're still part of it so that would be pretty insulting.

I've been rejected while in a relationship, and I've had a relationship end while in a relationship. In both cases, I got my support from friends but mostly from existing/remaining partner(s). Whenever something hard hits you, a partner is the best person to go to :)

I don't find it irreconcilable at all. Quite the opposite, I find it a source of comfort. It's like one parent dying and you have the other left, you can share the grief and it helps, you know? No conflict here for me.

JuliaGay 08-23-2011 09:33 PM

I'm right there with you, ygq. I recently lost a partner I am deeply in love with. I feel like I hurt more than I've ever hurt. But I have my husband and other partners that I can lean on, who will hold me when I cry and distract me. I try not to over-burden them with my grief, but they are all poly and understand what's going on.

As nycyndie said, grief is a rollcoaster. You have to let it take you where it wants to go for a while. You have to feel what you feel and not fight it. That only prolongs the pain, in my experience. Hang in there and I'll hang with you. :)

schtuff 08-31-2011 12:41 AM

agreeing with previous comments.

the ms. is going through just that situation right now. she gets very emotionally involved very quickly, she has a big heart. she always has me to lean on, as i always have her to lean on. we share our joys and sorrows.

so while she is going through this, i make myself available, a shoulder to cry on, a pocket for tears, arms to be wrapped up in, when needed. i dont expect her to just get over it, its heartbreak, it takes time, patience, love, and understanding. the difference between a breakup in or out of poly is, in a loving poly relationship you dont have to go through it alone, but its still not magical healing.

and when the mood is lighter, i am back to my dorkish, goofy, lovable self.

however, i must footnote, that i was not as there as i usually am and complicated the issue, but that is for another thread. but i am now, and i am still groveling for my mistake as i should be.


AnnabelMore 08-31-2011 02:39 PM

A well written essay on this topic: http://www.xeromag.com/fvessay06.html

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