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-   -   so I'm confused and afraid (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13679)

confusedandafraid 08-18-2011 09:47 PM

so I'm confused and afraid
 
I think I jumped in to soon...My boyfriend of 5 years had not so recently want to go into a polyamory relationship, and because I love him so much, I jumped in and agreed, forgetting my own jealousy. But later on as he signed on for the website fetlife, with me following behind, my jealousy hit ten fold. I seen him commenting girls pictures and stuff about how beautiful they are and it hurt because he had become distant for a while.
We talked about that and though it still happens time to time I became friends with some of the girls. But, seeing so many girls and knowing that our friends are going to be right about me one day blow out on him because he "did" another girl other then me has gotten me thinking that I jumped in without thinking about my own feelings (which is what I usually do when it comes to him).
I have also been feeling down I have bad low self-esteem thanks to ignorant people in my life and I'm also very attach-y when it comes to someone I love since the last to used me and I'm afraid of loosing my current boyfriend.
but I've seen a picture him and his friend took and they look like a better couple then we do, and it gets me a bit jealous to see the pic on both Facebook and fetlife.
and by no means do I want to leave him, he's the best thing that happened to me and I want one day to have a family with this man, but I don't think I want the Polyamory in it. and I don't want to seem like a bitch and tell him to change lifestyles when it seems to make him happy....

Allstar 08-20-2011 07:12 PM

I am new to this to. I am mono but open to the idea. I dealt with these feelings as well. Things to talk about with him. Why does he want a poly relationship. Is he really poly and want another full on relationship or is he looking for sex and want an open relationship. It is good to know about this first. Talk to him about your fears. I did this a lot. I had two points of jealousy that I was working on, the fear of being replaced and fear of not being enough for her. We recently decided that we would be the primary relationship. Fear of being replaced is gone. The second one is an ongoing battle for me. I have been cheated on and told to many times I am not what the woman is looking for or they would be settling if they were with me. Just talk it out with him, don't rush yourself. You might have agreed but doesn't mean you have to be 100% ok with it right off the bat.

ray 08-21-2011 08:15 PM

Here's the thing. If there's something important in the relationship that's not working, it doesn't matter how great everything else is. I guarantee he's not the only man you could ever love and if you two want different lifestyles maybe it's best that you pursue life separately. Some of these issues regarding pursuing polyamory can be dealt with but only if it's what you really want to do. If you want a monogamous relationship, you have to seriously consider only dating men who want that too.


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