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-   -   well it's official...but now what? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13662)

CranberryStardust 08-18-2011 12:09 PM

well it's official...but now what?
 
Well, the couple I have been seeing and sexually involved with for the past few months asked me to be their girlfriend. I of course agreed and I feel good and happy. However, this is my first time doing this sort of thing and I have questions...

1) Since the beginning, she and I have been the ones to arrange all the meetings and to be in contact in between. They are married. However, if I am "their" girlfriend, shouldn't I be able to talk to him, too? He and I are very sexually involved and attracted to each other and I care for him, but I don't even have his phone number and she hasn't offered. Is that normal? Why wouldn't I be able to? Doesn't seem balanced...but again, I am new. Should I ask?

2) He and I have not sex yet. There has been lots of everything else and we both want to have sex, but she expressed early on that they have never done that, but have discussed it. She told me yesterday that they would rather I not date or sleep with other men. Okay, I can do that...but eventually I will want the real deal. I love sex and will want it. Can I expect a change? Or will bringing it up be risky? I don't want to hurt her or make her uncomfortable but it almost seems a little unfair. Has anyone else been in this situation? If I can't have sex with him, why would she ask me not to with anyone else?

I guess I am wondering how things will be different, if at all, now that I am their official girlfriend. I am nervous to bring anything up since I am So new at this...don't want to step on toes or ruin it.

Thanks!

Magdlyn 08-18-2011 12:46 PM

Wow, she is really in control. Sound almost like they have a Domme/sub relationship. She calls all the shots, She says you can't have sex with Her guy, you don't even talk to the guy, you have to ask *Her* for his number???

You're supposed to be in a triad, and poly-fidelitous, but you don't get cock? Sheesh.

Check out this chart I saw on another thread:

http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/hot...hart-large.gif

CranberryStardust 08-18-2011 01:02 PM

Well the weird thing is that she is ALL about me hooking up with him. She loves to watch and talk about it. She has never acted jealous or insecure or put out. Overall she is cool as hell and I adore her.

I feel outnumbered, which obviously I am. I feel like as the "addition" and the new one, I am supposed to just follow their lead and abide by whatever rules they have. They have done this before and I haven't.

They are good people...so good in fact that I'd like to f*** them both LOL. Is that so wrong?

naughty 08-18-2011 01:07 PM

It's great that you have found a couple that you like, but I think that you should not have to feel nervous about expressing your feelings or what you need to them. I'm a big fan of being honest and up front. If something is bothering you then you should ask about it. Maybe they will be totally cool about it. And if not, perhaps they are just not right for you...

Magdlyn 08-18-2011 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CranberryStardust (Post 97915)
Well the weird thing is that she is ALL about me hooking up with him. She loves to watch and talk about it.

Hmmm, let's use our words precisely here. You and the guy aren't allowed full sexual intercourse, penis in vagina sex, but you're allowed to do... what? Handjobs, fingering? Oral? He can put a toy in your vagina? Are you and the guy "allowed" to kiss?

Sounds like this "poly" couple has rules between them they have agreed to. Do you? You get a say, you aren't their toy or pet. You're just as valuable and fully human as they are.

Quote:

She has never acted jealous or insecure or put out. Overall she is cool as hell and I adore her.
But do you trust that she values you as a human being and not just a pet, or worse, a puppet?


Quote:

I feel outnumbered, which obviously I am. I feel like as the "addition" and the new one, I am supposed to just follow their lead and abide by whatever rules they have. They have done this before and I haven't.
Re-examine this. Your feelings matter just as much as theirs.' Yes, you are outnumbered. This is a common problem with triads, when a hot bi babe enters into a relationship with an established couple. You're expendable and have little to no say on how things go. If you have good self esteem, this arrangement won't satisfy you for long.

Quote:

They are good people...so good in fact that I'd like to f*** them both LOL. Is that so wrong?
You can say fuck here. No, it's not wrong. Tell them. Work it out. Ask him directly for his phone number, tell them you think it's fair you get to have an equal relationship, which includes one on one time with her guy, and see what happens. Brutal honesty now is important, rather than letting things fester, letting them think you're 100% fine with her controlling ways.

AnnabelMore 08-18-2011 01:41 PM

You could just say to her "How about if we say I'm your girlfriend but not also his girlfriend at this point, since he and I don't have that sort of relationship yet, even if it might be nice some day?" Better to live in reality than to try to constantly resolve the mental incongruity of calling a situation something it's not.

AnnabelMore 08-18-2011 01:47 PM

Also, I've just gotta say, unless they're offering you a full, equal stake in the relationship... which is really kinda impossible at this point from what you've described (they have a standing partnership versus you feel like you don't even communicate with him)... how is it fair to ask you not to see anyone else? That means that they both get the benefits of a full-time, established partner, PLUS they get all of your energy, and you're limited to what they can give you which doesn't seem like it equals up to a partnership at this point. Maybe I'm misreading things, but I think this could be a real sticking point for your happiness, and thus for the longevity of the situation.

CranberryStardust 08-18-2011 02:01 PM

We have done everything but have actual sex or penetration. She is open to the idea of anal sex between he and I (God I cannot believe I just typed those words), but the topic of vaginal sex hasn't been touched on in some time. I did tell her that it was really frustrating for me to have all that stimulation and see them having sex and not get it myself, but she had more of an, "awww" reaction. This was before I agreed to be there girlfriend. I just wonder what the label means if I still don't get to have that with him...and now not anyone else, either.

The more I think about it, the more I am wondering if they might just be a little possessive. It would hurt a lot if I thought this was a real relationship and They were just trying to keep their little unicorn in the pen for their own use and pleasure.

I texted her last night and said I hoped I could see them soon and her reply was, "Want to suck some cock tonight?" That's bad isn't it? Maybe I am being really stupid and naive about this...

(Sorry so graphic...I hope I don't offend anyone or violate any rules. Apologize in advance for either.)

AnnabelMore 08-18-2011 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CranberryStardust (Post 97925)
We have done everything but have actual sex or penetration. She is open to the idea of anal sex between he and I (God I cannot believe I just typed those words), but the topic of vaginal sex hasn't been touched on in some time. I did tell her that it was really frustrating for me to have all that stimulation and see them having sex and not get it myself, but she had more of an, "awww" reaction. This was before I agreed to be there girlfriend. I just wonder what the label means if I still don't get to have that with him...and now not anyone else, either.

The more I think about it, the more I am wondering if they might just be a little possessive. It would hurt a lot if I thought this was a real relationship and They were just trying to keep their little unicorn in the pen for their own use and pleasure.

I texted her last night and said I hoped I could see them soon and her reply was, "Want to suck some cock tonight?" That's bad isn't it? Maybe I am being really stupid and naive about this...

(Sorry so graphic...I hope I don't offend anyone or violate any rules. Apologize in advance for either.)

You expressed sexual frustration and she said awwwww like it was cute??? She's willing to let him fuck you in the ass but the special magical act of vaginal sex is not up fot discussion for you and your "boyfriend" OR with you you and anyone else even though you end up being forced to watch them share what they won't let you have??? I'm so angry right now I almost can't type. Unless this is a consensual dom/sub relationship this is very wrong and way more than a "little" possessive.

My advice would be to sit down and confront her with the ways these things are unfair. If she doesn't take you seriously or agree to change something, bail. In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.

CranberryStardust 08-18-2011 04:32 PM

So this isn't normal? I guess I thought it was common. I can understand why it would be different to see your husband mess around with someone than actually have sex but why would they ask me not to have it with anyone else? Is there any good, non selfish reason?

I guess my mono upbringing, nature and past is what keeps me mum on these issues. It feels very strange to even consider saying to another woman, "I need and want to have sex with your husband." It's the ultimate no-no in the non-poly world, which is where I am from.

I suppose there is nothing wrong with seeing where It goes and hoping for things to become more even and open. I want to have sex with him so badly...but I won't be able to enjoy it if I think she is going to be angry or hurt. I just don't know how long I can be content with just fooling around.

As a side note, she is pregnant and just found out she is high risk and can't have sex for 3months. So as it stands now, ain't nobody getting laid.


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