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-   -   A tough road to hoe (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13646)

Inyourendo 08-18-2011 02:53 AM

A tough road to hoe
Its only been 6 weeks but already there has been many ups and downs.

I met Stew online over a year ago and really liked his profile knowing that he was only interested in a triad I thought he would be cool to be friends with. DH met Jenn on another site by happenstance around the same time and they because friends and she was editing for them. we invited them to a party and it was just the right time and place for me because I was actually very interested in being their 3rd but Jenn liked DH and talked Stew to be open to the idea of a quad so we moved forward.

Stew is young, 22. he never thought of himself as poly really. he got together with Jenn knowing full well that she wanted a gf. his compromise was to agree to a triad situation because the thought of her being with someone else without him threatened him. but years went by and no girlfriends. and Im sure this is how this came to be and why the quad is so hard for him. he sent a mass text to us all that he really does want this and that it's the perfect situation and that he does like both of us but he gets these emotional bursts even though he knows we are not a threat for him. now he has not been verbally abusive but little things have occurred like

he refused to leave the house when i was suppose to come over for some alone time and she had to come to my place which was no fun with a house full of rowdy kids and my mom who is visit from out of town underfoot. or just being very clingy on her in general. we had sexual boundaries laid out because we are new and easing into this. he and i have gone to the limits of the sexual boundaries a couple weeks ago and when DH and Jenn did last night he was pretty hot about it.

I really like him but the more possessive or whiny he becomes the more put off i am. i feel a bit better today as we talked about it. I can relate, my first poly experience with my ex was the stuff Jerry Springer is made of so i applaud him for being as mature as he has been but it seems like he uses his past abuse as a way to manipulate or as an excuse for his feelings. I dont think hes doing it on purpose though.

I do really like both of them and hope it could work out for all but he knows that I plan to continue seeing Jenn and she wants to still see DH if he cant get on board for this. its just been a lot of work in the meantime.

gamerprincess 08-19-2011 03:16 PM

I don't really have much advice, since J and I are just starting our first real poly relationship..a triad and have no experience in a quad.. But I wish you all the best of luck in working it out, if Stew really does want this. Sounds like he is just having a lot of jealousy issues that he needs to work on which is very normal.

There's some great threads on here and on the net on dealing with jealousy that really benefited me in the past and I refer to whenever I'm feeling a little insecure.

Have you or Jenn asked him why he's behaving this way? I know he said it's because of emotional bursts he's having here and there, which do happen, but I'm thiking he really feels that you and DH are a threat to him... that perhaps Jenn will have more excitement and fun with you two, together and separately and that makes him feel inadequate.

There was a great guide I found somewhere online, that I had printed out for J and I.. if I find it, I'll PM you with it. It might help Stew a bit. If he is serious about continuing in this quad and wanting to make it work, he's going to need to address his insecurities and conquer them. It sounds like the rest of you definitely have a handle on things and are comfortable with each other and it's progressing, aside from Stew's behavior.

Inyourendo 08-19-2011 03:54 PM

hes jealous due to feelings of inadequacy and fearing that jenn will like us better and leave him. Jenn says Stew is also feeling confused because he may like-like DH.

DH invited them out last night and they all had a good time. DH offered his hand and Stew gave him a hug instead. i think we will be ok, it will just take some time for Stew to work through this. Jenn and I have a date tonight but I think she wants to hang out as a group afterward.

Magdlyn 08-19-2011 06:05 PM

So, you and your dh live together. Stew and Jen live together? And you all get together with each other in various configurations. And now Stew is having bi curious feelings for your dh.

Stew is young and young people barely know themselves (though they often think they know *everything* ). Having one lover, working out boundaries and hopes for the future is hard enough. Add in 2 women, and now a guy he is having some sexual craving for... no wonder he's confused and insecure.

Does your h know Stew is feeling attracted to him? Would he freak out?

Inyourendo 08-19-2011 06:40 PM

Yeah Stew is bi but generally prefers men that are feminine and DH is very masculine in appearance. DH identifies as straight but recently he fooled around with an androgynous (male trans) friend of ours so Im wondering if he's actually pansexual. Stew had joked around about how he hopes DH is ok with being bi because he may get a hug here and there or a leg thrown on him in a cuddle pile. DH is very comfortable being touched by other men so that isn't an issue. He knows Stew may have feelings for him and is ok with that. I dont think DH would want to be sexually involved with him though

Inyourendo 08-20-2011 07:27 AM

Tonight was just wonderful. that is all

AnnabelMore 08-20-2011 04:22 PM


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