And life goes on...
It's been nearly two years since I last popped in here for discussion and advice. Well, life went on, as it is wont to do, and I find myself again standing at the gates of polyamory, almost as flabbergasted as I was back then.
For anyone who wants the (brief) history of my discussion here:
And now on to the fun stuff!
When last I was here, I needed help dealing with my partner of two years (C) having feelings for someone else, and wanting to open up the relationship. We went about things slowly, respecting each-other's boundaries, and testing limits to see what if anything specifically bothered us about the prospect.
Things spiraled out of control when at a friend's birthday party, the object of C's affections expressed interest in me. This led to C storming out of the party, her breaking things off with me completely, and a week of absolute hellish unpleasantness on both our parts. After that week, we decided that polyamory wasn't for us, got back together, and life was again blissful for a year or so.
And then a curve-ball came into the relationship, and I started falling in love with a friend. In a moment of weakness, I confessed this to C, and suggested that we give polyamory another try. Things were tense, but we managed for a short time before coming full circle and splitting again. I soon learned that the object of my affections wasn't all that compatible with me, and we went back to being reasonably close friends without much incident. C and I apologized, got back together, and life was again blissful for nearly another year.
Which brings us to this year. In May, C and I were vacationing, and she proposed to me. Being madly in love with her, and seeing that our relationship survived a number of rocky periods over four and a half years, in addition to two poly-related implosions, along with the fact that we get along swimmingly and make very good house partners, I said yes. And all was blissful for a month or so.
If you'll remember, or if you've recently read the posts linked above, there is a certain disparity in the sex drives of C and I. Namely, I have very little desire for sex, and C has quite a lot. This causes the occasional spat when she feels that we aren't having enough, or I feel pressured to have too much. Normally, these spats dissolve and we move on with life, with one or both of us making an equitable compromise.
However, when it came up a couple of months ago, things didn't fizzle down. They got rather heated, and then C brought up possibly opening our relationship so that her sexual needs can be met. Now, you may be thinking "Third time's a charm!" Not quite... due to the fact that it was brought up in anger and during an argument, neither of us took well to the idea. I took it particularly hard, spent a couple of days in a rather dark place, and we eventually apologized to one another, and moved on to what should be the next blissful stage.
But there's the rub. If you've been paying attention, polyamory has come up in discussion three times now between my fiancee and I. First by C, second by me, and third again by C. True to the pattern, I find that I'm growing close to a good friend, and am considering trying to talk to C about polyamory once again.
But I'd rather not perpetuate the cycle, and come to some form of closure one way or another: either opening our relationship, or determining for once and for all that we are not capable of sustaining an open relationship, and either moving forward from there as a (hopefully)happy monogamous couple, or moving our separate ways. I very sincerely hope that the third option doesn't come to pass... I didn't accept C's proposal flippantly, and really do love and cherish her. We've been through a lot together in the past four and a half years, and I don't really want to lose that in a flash.
And so I come again to the Polyamory.com forums for any advice y'all can give me on my current situation. Thank you for wading through that wall of text, and my most sincere gratitude for any words of wisdom you could lend to my ear.
Hi sadie, nice to see you here again. Welcome back :)
It seems that it is all a work in process and unfolding as it will. I would think that that would continue and things wll unfold as they should. It sounds like your communication is good and you have a goosd handle on what your needs are. Its a matter of working through it all I think.
Hello again, redpepper. Thanks for the welcome, and the reply!
Things are certainly unfolding as they please. I'm honestly more than a little nervous, and at the same time anxious, that this will be the last time, however it may go.
I have a feeling that in the past, we've always approached it as a "I want this for me", and not "I want this for us", due to the one of us bringing it up having another person in mind at the time of the discussion. And while I'm certainly guilty of that again, I hope that the proximity of the last discussion, and my acknowledgement of this fact, will make things go more smoothly this time. But I guess we'll see!
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