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-   -   What are the best things to figure out? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13498)

openbj 08-16-2011 04:46 AM

What are the best things to figure out?
 
I do believe that I now define myself as poly-curious (which is shock even to me). J is most assuredly poly, but I've always thought of myself as mono until we started going down this road of poly with J. I've been going through a lot of self discovery and I just don't know that I'm mono as I previously thought. But, I'm also not sure about poly, it's a life changing thought.

My question to all you polies out there, to aid me in my journey, is: What are the best things to figure out in order to know which path to take? I want to be sure that I am poly before I venture down that path and that I'm not just pushing a curiosity "just to see".

You can read my blog "This is so weird but also exciting lol" to read my thoughts more in depth. Feel free to post your replies here or on the blog.

redpepper 08-16-2011 06:26 AM

You could either identify as poly or want a poly lifestyle. The first is more a life long thing that you were born with, the latter is kind of like you think it would work for you right now to have many lovers that know of one another. Figure that out and it might help.

Figure out what sex means to you. If you can and are into casual sport sex that has no other fulfilment than to get off and help others get off then great... make sure your possible partners know that... if you are deeply moved and connected with someone as a result of sex then make sure you don't damage yourself by having sex that is not going to result in this being honoured about you and make sure that any possible partner you have knows this about you.

Make sure that you are independent minded, don't rely on others to boost you up or to entertain you or to be merged with. It isn't highly successful in poly to be co-dependent with others it seems. Working on your own path and happily walking beside others as they work on them selves seems to work better I have noticed.

openbj 08-16-2011 05:43 PM

Thank you Red!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 97483)
You could either identify as poly or want a poly lifestyle. The first is more a life long thing that you were born with, the latter is kind of like you think it would work for you right now to have many lovers that know of one another. Figure that out and it might help.

Poly would probably be more my speed. When I make a change in my life I don't just do it for the temporary benefits, I look to the long term and how it's going to affect my life as a whole. To just play with poly as a lifestyle would do more harm than good I would think. Unless you're someone that enjoys games I guess, which I'm not.


Quote:

Figure out what sex means to you. If you can and are into casual sport sex that has no other fulfilment than to get off and help others get off then great... make sure your possible partners know that... if you are deeply moved and connected with someone as a result of sex then make sure you don't damage yourself by having sex that is not going to result in this being honoured about you and make sure that any possible partner you have knows this about you.
I can honestly say that sport sex is not my goal or desire. Sex is something that comes for me as the result of a relationship and emotional ties. The scary part for me in this, is I've not had another emotional tie with another man in almost 14 years and I've only had sex with J ever. There have been guys over the years that have caught my attention, but I was so caught up in the church view of "monogamy only", so I never even gave it a second thought and threw them from my mind.


Quote:

Make sure that you are independent minded, don't rely on others to boost you up or to entertain you or to be merged with. It isn't highly successful in poly to be co-dependent with others it seems. Working on your own path and happily walking beside others as they work on them selves seems to work better I have noticed.
This isn't a problem for us. Yes, there is a certain amount of each of us depending on the other to fulfill different roles for the success of our family. But, I wouldn't go so far as to call it co-dependency, it's just the natural roles a family. We each have our own hobbies, things we enjoy, thoughts and ideas.



Thanks for the thoughts and input. I will definitely continue to chew on each of these. J tells me all the time that I over think things, but it's more like I look at large options in my life from every angle to be sure that it's what is best for me and my family. I don't make major decisions lightly, but when I do make them, they are for the long term with my full commitment.


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