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-   -   I'm poly, he's not. HELP (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13486)

Kermit 08-15-2011 08:57 PM

I'm poly, he's not. HELP
 
I've always been poly, he's dabbled in it. When we got married we agreed to monogomy. OOPS I am in love with someone, I've told my husband and he's having a very hard time dealing with it. This other fellow and myself aren't persuing anything other than friendship right now, but have expressed much interest in each other. His wife is poly also. My husband says he could maybe be comfortable in a couple years, but not right now. So my sweetheart and I have decided to remain hopeful friends. However, everytime I hang out with my fellow, my husband gets upset. I try to listen objectively but constantly feel pressured to remedy a situation that isn't even happening right now. We've got communication issues on both ends, both have trouble listening, both have trouble hearing and not reacting as though an attack is happening. We've agreed that our relationship needs a strong foundation before anything can happen in that regard. Only thing is he goes so back and forth- it's ok to hang out with him if we're just friends, but he gets upset every time it happens. I try warning him ahead when hanging out is going to happen, this makes it even worse. He says he'd rather I just sneak it around behind his back so he wouldn't have to know about it at all, but then agrees that's not a good idea either. He says he can't control or handle or understand his feelings, he wants to be ok with everything but he isn't. We're both putting a lot of effort into fixing our issues, and I am satisfied with the progress no matter how slow. I feel ok with it taking time, but I feel like i'm being rushed to do something, to fix something, and that my efforts aren't seen and appreciated. I try to give what he asks for, loving touches, open communication, time together but it never seems enough and it's straight draining. He want's to spend every ounce of time together and misses me when I go to the bathroom. I feel like i'm being suffocated by his clingyness and the more I give the more he wants. I also go to school and have a daughter, as well as house chores- he just want's to lay in bed all day and snuggle and be together. I am beside myself at this point and just want to leave. I feel my not being here would help him appreciate me more somehow I don't know, but I also feel like I can't do that and it would be silly to just give up. I think we both feel like the only one who's trying. We're both drained. At this point I don't know what to do, I keep saying slow down, work on these things one thing at a time, we'll get through this. He keeps saying he won't just give up, he thinks we can do this- but then introduce any thought of this other fellow whatsoever and it's explosion and unreasonable thinking and reasoning and ultimatums and feelings that some drastic choices must be made in that moment.

I have been seeing this other fellow for almost a year. I have not made any moves to leave my husband- though I've discussed the possibility for my own sanity. We both feel like if I left I would start having sex with this other fellow and it would ruin any chance of us getting back together. I agree. It probably would- but in heated moments and times of feeling not good enough I feel like me and my little girl all by ourselves would be good for me, and good for her not to see us fight all the time.

But I don't want to leave. I want this to work. I want us to both feel heard and appreciated and loved and keep my sweetheart on the side. I want my husband to know the joys of falling in love. He spends hours searching the net for women, for forums and books and answers, he points me to all this littérature, but I don't feel it's being applied. I feel that the attempts at this relationship are becoming frantic and childish. I try to be honest about my feelings in the moment and call out games I see being played. He says he doesn't know or understand his feelings.

We're trying to set up intentional talking times, pick one subject, stick to one subject, only talk for 30 minutes, other person only listen for 30 minutes and take turns on alternate days doing this. Also trying positive reinforcement when we see good in each other. I feel like this is just going to take a lot of time and there are no right now solutions, am I wrong? I'm totally ok with this taking years if it needs years- so's my sweetheart btw, and his wife has been great through this whole thing too. I feel like he just doesn't believe that, actually he says he doesn't- I don't know what to do help, I love this man and I love our family and I want a hot sexy love on the side (with hopes of our families growing together, helping each other out, supporting and caring for one another :P)

This is probably a lot of text and I'm kind of just ranting and this hardly fills all the holes but. . . gotta start somewhere. Thanks to any one reading and responding!

Minxxa 08-15-2011 09:22 PM

Hi there and welcome!

so yes, it was a lot of text :) So I'm only going to comment on one piece of it... You say he says he cannot control or handle his emotions. Not true. He may not know how to do that, or have the right tools on hand, but he can CHOOSE to get help in doing that, and that's what I recommend. Whether or not you two work out, or you manage a poly relationship, he needs to be able to figure out what he's feeling, work through those feelings and communicate that in order to be healthy in ANY type of relationship.

For his own benefit, talking to someone about these feelings and helping him pinpoint what's really going on and communicating those to you is really important. I know a lot of guys tend to think they can "work through this on their own", and see going for help as a weakness. But really it takes a strong person to know they need somebody with more experience and training to help them see things more clearly.

And honestly I think a lot of counseling is normalizing things... finding out that the things you thought were "wrong" with you, and nobody else understood are more common than you think and most people feel the same way can be really freeing.

I will say, though, that I'm training to be a counselor and so am biased. :D But... I have also gone through over a year of counseling in the past 3 years and it has helped me IMMENSELY.


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