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-   -   My Dilemma (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13469)

Tinyblu 08-15-2011 11:13 AM

My Dilemma
 
So it's been a while since I posted, and a lot of good things have happened since I last posted. I am still with my guy and it turns out he's not quite as much of a jerk as I thought he was. I just had to learn how to set boundaries, speak up and communicate. Since I have been doing that, things have been rather nice between us.

In my last post, I had expressed concern about visiting him during a time when he had invited another woman in his life to the same city. Fearing that that incident would turn into another "fulfill-his-threesome" fantasy, I was faced with the decsion of whether I should take the trip and even continue the relationship. After LOTS of honest conversation and an ultimatum I gave him (stop pushing or I'm leaving), I decided to go on the trip and actually had an amazing time. He went above and beyond to make sure I was comfortable, even to the point of NOT sleeping with the other woman until I left and getting her totally separate accomodations.

Here's where it gets hairy... I actually connected with this woman. We had the chance to spend one-on-one time together shopping and staying up late talking. We even had an encounter of our own that he doesn't even know about!!! Since we met, we have been in communication with each other and have made plans to spend time together again one-on-one.

The issue is... he's just not that into her. For almost 8 years, they have seen each other no more than three times a year during which time they simply have sex and she goes on her way. He's never even spent the night with her in the same bed. It's totally a sexual thing for him. He says he keeps her around because she knows how to "stay in her lane" and she's great for a little threesome fun every now and then. He told me that she is not someone he would consider seriously "dating", that she has tried for years and he has kept her at bay.

Most recently, I took a trip with him and we stopped in her city for a visit (and he finally got his threesome). Though he got a benefit from the trip, I could tell that he did it to keep me happy (I won't shut up about this woman and I begged him to go see her). He had even started planning a vacation for the three of us (flights and hotel booked). However, after spending time with her, he had a conversation with me about how he felt about her (his words: I simply can't be in her space for a long period of time... ), and decided that he doesn't want to go on the trip with her. His rationale is that he doesn't want her to get the wrong idea about the relationship, and that taking her on a trip would muddy the waters, and he simply doesn't WANT to spend that kind of time with her. So, he cancelled the trip and then asked ME to break the news to her!!!

Here are my issues: Where's his spine? HE's the one who got her all excited about going (as was I) and now I have to be the bad guy. I have no idea how I am going to do this. She is gonna be crushed!!! Secondly, I really like this woman. I enjoy spending time with her. The sexual stuff is just extra. We get along very well. But I am now caught in the middle. Though he hasn't said anything about us communicating, it would certainly make things awkward if I continue to get closer to her while he's trying to get away. I don't want to stop communicating with her but I don't want to complicate my relationship with him either. UGH!!! This is a mess! Suggestions?

MorningTwilight 08-15-2011 11:21 AM

You are not a telephone or telegraph service. It's OK that you connect with her and he doesn't, but he has to deliver his own damned news himself.

Sound reasonable? Don't let yourself be put in the middle.

nycindie 08-15-2011 09:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinyblu (Post 97348)
. . . he simply doesn't WANT to spend that kind of time with her. So, he cancelled the trip and then asked ME to break the news to her!!!

Here are my issues: Where's his spine? HE's the one who got her all excited about going (as was I) and now I have to be the bad guy. I have no idea how I am going to do this. She is gonna be crushed!!!

Tell him you won't do his dirty work for him. What is there to debate about? I don't understand. He's always telling you this stuff he wants you to do, that you don't want to, and you think you have to, then you waffle, and want to know what to do. You'll probably give in and do it, I bet, but why? I'll turn the tables: where is your spine?

Anneintherain 08-15-2011 10:32 PM

I'm glad things have been going well for you two, I wondered now and again how that turned out.

Don't you think that you've kind of become him, pressuring him to spend time with somebody (threesome) when he isn't that interested in it? It's good he figured out that he didn't want to spend that much time with her before the trip got closer, and yes, he should be the one who tells her. She should also get to know (if she doesn't) that he just considers here a body to fuck though you think it'd be obvious to her. That's the mature thing instead of "keeping her at bay" when she wants more, but apparently she find it satisfying enough to stay around.

So after he delivers his own bad news - what is the problem? Just date her on your own. Only think I can think would be if you were relying on him to foot the bill for travel so you could all get together, but other than that, it might be awkward but life is awkward. I don't see what's wrong with you getting closer to her. I don't see that he's trying to get farther away. He has what he wants with her now before you "butted in" ;) Casual sex with her a few times a year. No reason he can't still have that if she still is interested after this speed bump, no matter what you and her end up having.

Tinyblu 08-16-2011 02:07 AM

I ended up telling him that I didn't want to break the news to her about the trip and he told her himself.

As for continuing to date her, we have already decided to get together on our own without even telling him. My concern is still that she is expecting more from him (she clings to this hope that he will someday want more from her than just sex). I feel bad knowing that this will NEVER be the case. In fact, he has told me that he is planning on cutting her out of his life altogether. What then?

Tinyblu 08-16-2011 02:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 97434)
I'm glad things have been going well for you two, I wondered now and again how that turned out.

Don't you think that you've kind of become him, pressuring him to spend time with somebody (threesome) when he isn't that interested in it? It's good he figured out that he didn't want to spend that much time with her before the trip got closer, and yes, he should be the one who tells her. She should also get to know (if she doesn't) that he just considers here a body to fuck though you think it'd be obvious to her. That's the mature thing instead of "keeping her at bay" when she wants more, but apparently she find it satisfying enough to stay around.

So after he delivers his own bad news - what is the problem? Just date her on your own. Only think I can think would be if you were relying on him to foot the bill for travel so you could all get together, but other than that, it might be awkward but life is awkward. I don't see what's wrong with you getting closer to her. I don't see that he's trying to get farther away. He has what he wants with her now before you "butted in" ;) Casual sex with her a few times a year. No reason he can't still have that if she still is interested after this speed bump, no matter what you and her end up having.

I didn't pressure him at all. When he told me how he felt and stated that he wanted to cancel the trip, I told him he should do what he thought was best, and the threesome was kind of accidental. He left us alone and came back earlier than we expected. The rest is history!!! LOL!!!!!

Anneintherain 08-16-2011 02:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinyblu (Post 97348)
Though he got a benefit from the trip, I could tell that he did it to keep me happy (I won't shut up about this woman and I begged him to go see her).

I was referring to this, not the threesome.

I don't think it makes sense to see her and not tell him. Personally I find it dishonest. He doesn't need to know any details or anything, but letting him know you plan on seeing her in an ongoing fashion seems to be the most above board and honest route, especially if you want the same respect back from your boyfriend.

If he stops seeing her altogether - well then you have a relationship with her, and he doesn't. That's pretty common in life, I don't know what one has to do with the other unless she doesn't want to see you anymore because you date him, and nothing you can do about that. You don't live in the same cities at all right? I guess I just don't understand why the relationships need to be anything but separate.

MorningTwilight 08-16-2011 03:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinyblu (Post 97455)
I ended up telling him that I didn't want to break the news to her about the trip and he told her himself.

As for continuing to date her, we have already decided to get together on our own without even telling him. My concern is still that she is expecting more from him (she clings to this hope that he will someday want more from her than just sex). I feel bad knowing that this will NEVER be the case. In fact, he has told me that he is planning on cutting her out of his life altogether. What then?

What then? Well, if you still want to be with her, then be with her. She's going to be broken up a bit, and you can give her a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

You should be honest with him about your desire to keep a relationship with her. You don't need his permission, but you should certainly be honest. Otherwise, it's just plain old cheating.

MT


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