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-   -   Poly and I want a divorce but he does not... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13464)

Stacy 08-15-2011 03:33 AM

Poly and I want a divorce but he does not...
Hi I'm new here and I am going to start with a novel..sorry

Background...I have always been polyamorous even before I knew there was such a thing. I had always envisioned my love life like a game of Frogger...jump on ..jump off depending on what was going on in our lives..travels, jobs, new relationships, relationships that went bad...nothing too serious but I had 4 men in my life concurrently for 5 years...until I met my current husband.

He was married , in an open relationship and I tried to keep things casual. He just started showing up out of the blue, dominating my time, demanding exclusivity, to the point where I just hopped off my logs and sat on the bank cause it was easier(looking back this should have been the first red flag). He and his wife started having problems, she ended a long term relationship and demanded monogamy which ended their marriage and he landed on my door step(again out of the blue) with a grocery bag full of clothes, a stick of deodorant and a bread machine. Ughhhh.

So I took him in and encouraged him to work it out with his wife...he showed up on a Tuesday and she had a date on a Friday and didn't want him back(red flag #2)...so we lived together, we moved together, lived monogamously together at his request and ended up married 2 years later....I had issues with the entire situation and I should have followed my gut and weaseled out...but I did it anyway. Less than 2 hours after we were married he brings up swinging and my first thought was I could have stayed single and done that and I was pissed off. Spend all that time isolating me, demanding monogamy, convincing me that happily ever after meant marriage and following 'the rules'...only to change 'the rules' almost immediately after the pastor ran off with signed marriage license. I got home and immediately started researching divorce because the entire honeymoon was spent listening to him obsess over swing clubs which I had no interest in going to especially with him at that point. Of course a week later realized I was pregnant.......

.....2 kids and 4 years of listening to him obsess over swing clubs ..I finally countered with 'open marriage' because his thing with swing clubs sounded a lot like him offering me up and watching without a lot of input from me....which is 180 degrees away from how those places work...but he had some weird idea that he was going to pimp me out for free. So he pouted over 'open marriage' for 2 years because we would do our own things separately and he'd have no control.

With his encouragement I was the first to exercise my options and he freaked out...he took the starter out of my car, spied on my emails and phone messages, threatened to take the kids and tell everyone I was a whore..this was after one date...so we stopped. Until a year later when he met someone...that one did not work out..but he met someone else during that time and they have been together for almost 4 years. I have had 2 dates during this time and he told the kids I was going to runaway and leave them all...All kinds of BS and tears about about me being stolen away from him by someone better...threatening to kill himself(this happens everytime I try to make a stand)

So in 6 years I have had 3 dates.....and sex with one person outside of the marriage. He has a long term relationship and he is over there more than he is here...although he still makes an appearance if the kids are with my mom and I might have a few hours to myself...only to run back over there at midnight.

I have lost my light and my sense of humor, my independence it's an abusive, controlling relationship and I just want out now before I lose anymore time. I asked for a divorce and he freaked out, told me that he was going to end it with her(not what I want) and focus on family...which lasted 3 days....since then he is there everyday ...he popped in Friday night (cause I was alone..not because he missed the kids), and he left that night...no contact made until this afternoon...telling me he was stuck and 5 other excuses and he finally showed up at 9pm. right now he is in his office IMing back and forth with her....why doesn't he realize he'd rather be there than here....why hold on to something/someone who is broken who quite openly hates your guts?

He is going to force me to pick up and leave with the kids...he is going to try to make the kids mental in an attempt to control me and I am going to have to use a domestic abuse shelter/services to protect myself. But I am so scared that he is going to use our lifestyle against me and somehow get the kids in order to hurt me. And I know my situation is is more abuse than polyamory...but if there is anyone out there that has been through this I would appreciate any and all advice before I take any big steps toward regaining my freedom and sanity.

Thank you in advance,


SourGirl 08-15-2011 05:31 AM

Take a big, deep breath.

Then let it out,..and tell yourself only you, control you, from here on out.

Here is what I would do in your situation. Stop hating him.

Obviously he is dealing with some type of mental issue. He is unstable.

Hating him, is just going to exhaust your energy.

If you truly want to leave him, you need to start keeping evidence of his whereabouts. Chat logs, pics of him with her, whatever you need, so you have evidence of his 'stepping-out'.

The more evidence you have of his long-term secondary relationship, the less of a leg he has to stand on, trying to label you the 'whore' and have the kids taken away.

- You can`t have to much evidence.

- You need to tuck money away, if you haven`t already, and build yourself a nest egg. Sell valuables, whatever you need to do. Get money that can be used for leaving.

Start planning, and getting yourself prepared for life 'after him'. Do not let yourself build, and build until you blow, and leave without a plan. Building a plan will help you stay calm a little while longer, and handle things smartly.

Once you are long, and away from him, you need to get involved in some therapy for yourself and the kids. You have some responsibility in the man you picked. Obviously that is a different topic for a different day, but it is something that you need to evaluate and learn from before diving into the world of poly again.

Good Luck.

redpepper 08-15-2011 05:35 AM

Stacy. This has gone on long enough. Get your finances in order. Find a place to stay. Get a good lawyer, a good therapist and get out.... make sure you get lots of evidence of his relationship with this other woman first if you are afraid of what he might do. Buy your time and get organized. You have wasted precious time with this man and you knew it all along. Don't waste another moment of time showing your kids that men can treat women like that.... get out and be a strong woman so that your kids can be strong adults one day... This is not poly, this is abuse and you don't need to stay there! Use every drop of energy you have getting your act together and getting some help.

Good luck!

posted at the same time as sourgirl! She has some good advice too!

Satisfiction 08-15-2011 05:52 AM

Great post sourgirl. I like way you have set out a calm and calculated way to leave. Given that he's not beating you, you can probably afford to take the time to plan things well, rather than ditching and running without a plan.

best wishes!

Chimera 08-15-2011 09:55 AM


Originally Posted by Satisfiction (Post 97324)
Great post sourgirl. I like way you have set out a calm and calculated way to leave. Given that he's not beating you, you can probably afford to take the time to plan things well, rather than ditching and running without a plan.

Psychological abuse, which this is, is still abuse even if you can't see bruises on a person's body. He is an abuser and we can't know that it won't turn more violent.

I worked in crisis centers for a time and I would recommend finding your local center and talking with them. Often they often have legal services and services for children. Also, do you have any family members who would support you during this time and who you might be able to live with? He should not be able to access you and the kids alone. Frankly, restraining orders are not much help.

Don't be afraid that your "lifestyle" will count so much against you. In this case, his will count against him as well. A good lawyer can handle that. The important thing is to get away from the abuse, for yourself and for your kids.

Good luck.

Stacy 08-16-2011 12:20 AM

Thanks to all...sometimes I think it helps to write things out to find perspective. Sometimes I allow myself to believe it's all in my head...maybe because somehow I think it's better to be crazy than stupid.

I have been home with the kids for 10 years, and he made sure that my credit is crap(twice over), so finding a job has been difficult.....500 applications/resumes...3 interviews but I do have a part time work at home job and a place stay at my mom's house when I am ready to go...saving money is impossible at this point...he just lost a big contract and we are struggling to keep the lights on and put food on the table. And he tends to blow off work to spend time with her so he is killing his reputation and word of mouth advertising right now....things don't look like they are going to turn around. So short term ..long term... I am leaving here with nothing beyond clothes and the kids...and to make matters worse my mother is tearing into me about not being smarter and hiding money when he was making a lot of it...she doesn't understand that he always made sure I was scrambling to pay bills or using my credit cards to buy groceries even though there should have been several thousand left over every month....

As far as physical abuse...he doesn't throw punches, doesn't fly into rages but he does hide behind kink(even though I told him I am not interested).. I avoid sex with him because he feels the need to inflict pain so that has the potential to escalate.... and he recently got himself a motorcycle and a concealed carry permit(oh yeah he's got issues....lots of issues) so I am also hyper aware of that stupid gun at all times...even though I believe he would put it to his own head for dramatic effect before he's put it to mine.
I did try calling the local domestic abuse line/shelter, they really can't offer much unless I am willing to stay in the shelter/press charges(for what at this point?)..but they did give me a number for legal aid.

The kids start school next week...I just don't know whether to turn their lives upside down before or after....they are already a nervous about what they know..nevermind a whole new school.

Ughhh...I will figure it out. Thanks again..it helps to write things out and be reassured that it is abuse.

nycindie 08-16-2011 01:58 AM

Is the bike in his name or both of yours? You could sell it. See if there are other things around the house you can sell.

openbj 08-16-2011 03:19 AM

I don't know that selling the bike is a good idea NY. He sounds really unstable and I would be concerned about his reaction. He may not be violent towards her so far, but you sell a man's motorcycle and he's bound to lose control. Now is the time to play it smart, not add fuel to the fire.

It's "walk on eggshell" time until you get out of there Hun. {HUGS} to you and the kiddos. I am in full agreement on the collecting evidence end of things though!! Get everything you can!!!! You're gonna need it. As far as the school, wait until after so they have a routine to look forward to. This also gives you time to collect the evidence you need. Cell phone bills where he's calling and texting her (as detailed as possible), pics of them together, financial statements, business statements on his end, etc. I also wouldn't think it to be going too far to set up a recorder or video camera in the area of the house that he talks on the phone the most or any area to record his daily activities and behavior.

On the cell phone end. There is an app that you can get for smartphones (if he has one) called mIQ from Best Buy. You can download the app if you can sneak the phone away without him noticing. It will back up ALL of his phone information and even allow you to access his text messages to print out and use as evidence. Just set it up using a private email that you create just for such purposes. You access everything once you've backed up with the app through http://miqlive.com/ . (****For those of you looking for a good back up service for your smartphones in case they get broken or damaged, this is it.****)

Good luck!

nycindie 08-16-2011 04:07 AM

I would also look into one of those safe houses/shelters to go to in case he gets any ideas about making trouble at your mother's place. It also sounds like she's a bit critical of you, which is not what you need at a time like this.

openbj 08-16-2011 04:16 AM

Also!! Mind your p's and q's until you are out of there and even for a while after. You leave, and you know he's gonna start looking for dirt on you. Clean out everything that you can (emails, texts, pics, browser history, etc.).

Don't start any new relationship for a while. 1. Because he'll use it against you in court. 2. Because you need to work on fixing you before you can get involved with anybody else (broken and hurt does not make for healthy relationships). I know that you don't want to hear "no sex" for a while, but I really think it's going to be your best option at this point. It will give him absolutely NOTHING to use against you.

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