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-   -   8 years.. and im now lost?! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13451)

Irishcolin83 08-14-2011 06:29 PM

8 years.. and im now lost?!
Soo I have been poly with my wife for 8 years
But recently things have taken a turn for the.. odd?
She tells me the other day.. I dont like the idea of you with other women
I would rather be friends living in the same house but not married than have to deal with that
Followed by.. I dont think I could be friends I want so much more.
She tells me.. I want you to just have close friends you dont sleep with..
8 years.. and now this.. never have i been so torn.. a hole in my chest that gets bigger and bigger every day!
She has two boyfriends going on a year for one and 3 on another. plus a few little flings... I have not had a steady girlfriend in almost a year.. Could she have grown fond of just having her portion open?
how is that fair to me.. or us as a couple.

River 08-14-2011 06:37 PM

Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat yours too.

Can she be serious? Really? C'mon! Only a nutty and severely empathy challenged person with their head stuffed where the sun don't shine could be talking like this.

She might need some outside help, if you know what I mean.

MonoVCPHG 08-14-2011 07:15 PM

I would say push it and see how she reacts. She has no ground to stand on. Her behavior is very "toddlerish" if that is a word.

AutumnalTone 08-14-2011 08:06 PM


Originally Posted by Irishcolin83 (Post 97242)
Could she have grown fond of just having her portion open?

Doesn't matter. Why she suddenly popped this on you is fairly irrelevant, actually, as the important thing is to figure what to do about it.


how is that fair to me.. or us as a couple.
It's not fair to you. It's rather selfish.

So, it's time for some communicating and negotiating. First, do you want a monogamous relationshp? If so, then tell her you're up for it and she needs to tell her boyfriends that she's breaking up with them.

If you're not interested in monogamy, let her know that isn't an option. If she's not interested in continuing with you having multiple partners, then negotiate the divorce.

It's quite simple--though not necessarily easy--to stand your ground on what you require from a relationship. If you require multiple partners, then that's the foundation on which you stand and find partners who are OK with that--and if they change their minds, that's the end of that relationship. Nobody else gets to decide for you.

Irishcolin83 08-14-2011 08:14 PM

Thank you all for the advice.
I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.

I dont believe people are monogamous by nature so its really hard for me to hear her say this
I also dont want to just throw away 8 years with the woman I love.. but at the same time in order to stay with her its like I have to give up a part of myself I have never been without and I dont think I can live with that

nycindie 08-14-2011 08:40 PM

It sounds like something happened that she is very unhappy about, or quite possibly depressed. I wouldn't start getting all defensive about it yet, if I were you -- I think it's important to find out where it's coming from. It sounds to me like she has a broken heart.

Men often forget that many women need to verbalize what's going on with them without requiring a "fix" or a change -- they usually just need to get something out of their heads that is bothering them and want a loved one to listen, but not necessarily do anything about it (I find it interesting that all guys responded with, "Hey, that's not fair!"). If she does want a change, maybe it's just some adjustments to your boundaries, more attention from you, or something else to help her deal with some difficult feelings. But remember, until you sit down and talk with her about that, it could be she just wants you to listen and know how she's feeling, and nothing else.

River 08-14-2011 08:40 PM

If she does not understand how very hurtful--and bizzarre, and wacky, and unfair--it is to be offered this absurd double standard bullpucky, that'd be pretty worrisome to me. Does she call all of the shots in your relationship? Are you there to serve her every desire and whim? What exactly is going on here? I don't get it. If it were a man doing this with a woman, everyone would call sexism. But this woman seems to think she has all of the 'pants' in the family.

Irishcolin83 08-14-2011 08:46 PM

She does not call all the shots.. as she has told me for years I like a man to be in charge. I take charge and she gets upset..
She told me a few days ago.. I have no problem living on my own I make enough money I dont need you..
The only reason I work is because the kids are in school now.. it felt like she pinned me down with it.. "i own you"

Its not that I am screaming this is unfair.. and I have no idea what has happened to make her jealous upset or even depressed. It came out of the blue in our very happy life
We are best of friends.

Another of my issues is .. I came across the ocean for her from Ireland. it seems I cant assure her enough that I love her lately

nycindie 08-14-2011 08:52 PM


Originally Posted by Irishcolin83 (Post 97265)
I have no idea what has happened to make her jealous upset or even depressed. It came out of the blue in our very happy life
We are best of friends.

Obviously there is some glitch in your communicating because she is not happy. You need to talk and find out why.

Carma 08-14-2011 10:51 PM

Maybe she just want to connect with you on a deeper level? It's weird of her to feel this way when you don't currently have a girlfriend! And SHE has other men!

I like what Autumnal said -- then she is willing to break up with her men, right? How is she going to respond to that??

Or is she possibly getting serious with one of them and looking for a way out of the marriage, so she can go be monogamous with someone else? Passively seeking a way out, but wants it to be YOUR call?

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