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-   -   Seeking advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13438)

Yasuru 08-14-2011 12:31 PM

Seeking advice
First, my background...

I am a 40 year old male, married to a wonderful woman, and I have 2 fantastic kids. I feel like I should be content.

A female friend of mine mentioned the term "polyamorous" to me and it struck a chord. The struggle I am having is that I always believed that ALL guys had issues with monogamy and that it was just something you repressed in order to be a good husband and father.

I have had a relationship with about 25 women (due to a rough childhood, I never was able to really connect with other guys). A good portion of those women I have stayed in touch with as I have had very few bad break ups. Of those exes, there are a couple whom I REALLY miss. I try to meet up with them for lunches and I am hoping to take one to a football game I have tickets for. So, it's not just a sex thing, I just want to spend time with them and be close to them. This is further complicated by the poly friend I have who has already said she loves me and I think I feel the same.

Sorry, if I rambled, but I feel like a confused teen all over again. Is this something that all guys deal with, or am I just wired a little different?

Thanks all

Magdlyn 08-14-2011 12:44 PM

Still being friends with your *25* exes? No, I don't think most guys have to deal with that problem! ;)

Yasuru 08-14-2011 12:58 PM

Let me clarify a bit... I am facebook "friends" with about a dozen and we chat occasionally. But there are 2 that I feel like I am still in love with. That's the part I'm having trouble reconciling.

Magdlyn 08-14-2011 01:22 PM

Well, guys or gals, doesnt matter. I think it is quite common to "carry a torch" for exes sometimes, especially if you only broke up because of circumstances, such as one moving away, and not because of irreconcilable differences.

Is you wife fine with you going out on one on one dates with the 2 local exes? Would she be fine with you resuming intimacy with them, or being sexual with your newer poly friend? That's where being poly comes into the mix.

How old are your kids? Do they still need a lot of care? How much time do you have, really, for nurturing your kids, and your wife, as well as pursuing other women?

Yasuru 08-14-2011 02:19 PM

I absolutely do not have time for another significant relationship. I also do not know how my wife would take it, but my guess is not well.

But, I am also not willing or, I believe able, to never see them again.

Magdlyn 08-14-2011 03:01 PM

Well, are these 2 exes married/partnered? How about double dating with them and their SOs? Have you even told your wife you'd like to see these women face to face again? Does she know youre msging w them on FB, or is it all clandestine?

Yasuru 08-14-2011 03:24 PM

It is clandestine right now, but I want to change that.

One is divorced but dating, the other is in an unhappy marriage. I would not mind doubling with the first, but I don't care of the 2nd's spouce as I don't feel he treats her well.

Irishcolin83 08-14-2011 06:22 PM

You have a very interesting situation..
Few red flags for me was.. "Unhappily" married.. If its one thing I have found in my 8 years of this.. women that are unhappily married are just looking to have a bit of revenge dont be the easy target.. Not all of them are that way but its never a good place to be.

My wife and I tell eachother everything.. truth will set you free bla bla bla! if this is in your heart of hearts.. tell your wife trust me she may be hurt but if she loves you for who you are she will understand.
Besides you can never really know if she feels the same way
I keep in touch with a few of my exes.. but the saying goes.. they are exes for a reason be careful of bringing up past emotions that will cause trouble in the relationship that matters most to you right now

MonoVCPHG 08-14-2011 06:51 PM

Three words of advice..."tell your wife".

No offence, but your skirting with affairs and from your wife's perspective you've probably already engaged in emotional ones.
Nothing good will come of hiding this.

P.S. Not all guys struggle with monogamy, but very few people are actually lifelong monogamists in my opinion.

Yasuru 08-14-2011 11:59 PM

Thank you all for your input. I definately will have a talk with my wife, she deserves to know what's going on with me.

At the same time, I need to keep sorting things out in my own mind.


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