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-   -   Mutually beneficial (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=13402)

Sofia 08-13-2011 07:23 PM

Mutually beneficial
 
I debated putting this thread in the New to Poly section, but I'm not really looking for guidance, so I concluded that this section would be more fitting.

I'm curious what other forum members think are the benefits for monos in a poly relationship. This does have some relevance to my situation, as I wish my primary, Nezumi, to flourish as well. For him personally, I think he stands to find a great companion and friend in my other love, S. Also, the communication between us, Nezumi and I, has made leaps and bounds in positive growth and I've even been more affection.

From your personal experience, or any anecdotal evidence is fine even if it's a friend of a friend, what benefit have you seen monos receive when part of a poly setup. It can be any degree or variation of relationship.

AutumnalTone 08-13-2011 07:38 PM

I believe there are other threads on this, so you can search a bit and find some discussion, I think.

Monofolk get the same thing from a relationship with a poly partner as they would from a mono partner, except for the exclusivity. I don't think it advisable for anybody to search for a new relationship based on a benefits package....

Chimera 08-14-2011 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sofia (Post 97137)
For him personally, I think he stands to find a great companion and friend in my other love, S. .

I know there are other threads on poly/mono issues, but this statement seems to me like a red flag in any poly relationship. I don't think it's just about Sofia; it seems to be a common idea for many people, especially in the beginning.

I don't think being a friend with a partner/lover's "others" should be a goal from the outset in a poly relationship. I think that folks must get along on a minimal level and everyone should be treated with respect. Yes, it would be fabulous if everyone got on really well. But, it seems like a ton of pressure to put on people to assume that everyone must be friends. My partner had a lover who I couldn't stand. She was arrogant and selfish. We had issues at first since she was rude to me -- this got taken care of -- but I didn't want to ever be around when she was over, etc. etc.

openbj 08-14-2011 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chimera (Post 97203)
I know there are other threads on poly/mono issues, but this statement seems to me like a red flag in any poly relationship. I don't think it's just about Sofia; it seems to be a common idea for many people, especially in the beginning.

I don't think being a friend with a partner/lover's "others" should be a goal from the outset in a poly relationship. I think that folks must get along on a minimal level and everyone should be treated with respect. Yes, it would be fabulous if everyone got on really well. But, it seems like a ton of pressure to put on people to assume that everyone must be friends. My partner had a lover who I couldn't stand. She was arrogant and selfish. We had issues at first since she was rude to me -- this got taken care of -- but I didn't want to ever be around when she was over, etc. etc.

Chimera, I'm sorry, but your scenario scares me more than people getting along and being friends. I have to disagree with you. When you are a married couple, with the marriage being primary, there's no way a selfish/arrogant person would be welcomed into the family unit in any fashion (friends or poly). It's a major source of drama, hurt feelings, etc. I think the thought of being friends is a great one, because it assures that everyone is on the same page, taking care of each others needs. Not putting demands on time and such that would cause disruption to the relationships involved. If the wife and gf or husband and bf don't get along, it's going to be a disaster and will not work out. Pure and simple.

River 08-14-2011 05:47 PM

My thoughts on the whole metamour question.:

It is true that friendships (as with metamour love) neither can nor should be attempted to be forced. And there are many ways in which metamours can relate to one another, from distant near-strangers to deeply bonded friends.

I can only speak personally on this matter. I'd not choose to become loving partners with anyone not very likely to be highly compatible as a potential friend (or lover) with my long-time Sweetie. (My boyfriend is not bisexual, so a woman partner of mine would not be a potential lover of his.) I am not interested in a casual outside fling, and really want only committed, "serious" (family-like) bonds. So, naturally, I'd hope my Sweeties (Darlings, Lovies...) would treasure one another, as I do. I'd want us all to enjoy time together at the dinner table, on hikes, camping, picnics, movies, dining out, concerts.... I'd like us all to be sincere friends. None of this can be made to order. It takes time to grow, and the results cannot be planned in advance -- like a shopping trip.

And yes of course we all need time for "just the two of us". And yes we all need time for ourselves, alone--solitude. This we can create together in an atmosphere of loving and friendship. That atmosphere can be nurtured, but not shaped as a sculptor would craft a statue. It feels probable to me that my present new love interest and my longtime partner would get along great and become friends. It's difficult to imagine any other way. Why wouldn't they be?

In the highly, highly unlikely event that they don't enjoy one another's company? I'd enjoy them apart, and be sad about it. (None of us have met yet, face-to-face. "Faraway Sweetie" and I met in this forum and have built a loving friendship with text and phone calls. We plan to meet up soon.)

Ideally, any two or more sweeties of mine would form loving bonds of their own, whether romantic or not.

metamour - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=metamour

Chimera 08-14-2011 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by openbj (Post 97232)
Chimera, I'm sorry, but your scenario scares me more than people getting along and being friends. I have to disagree with you. When you are a married couple, with the marriage being primary, there's no way a selfish/arrogant person would be welcomed into the family unit in any fashion (friends or poly). It's a major source of drama, hurt feelings, etc. I think the thought of being friends is a great one, because it assures that everyone is on the same page, taking care of each others needs. Not putting demands on time and such that would cause disruption to the relationships involved. If the wife and gf or husband and bf don't get along, it's going to be a disaster and will not work out. Pure and simple.

I am a "married" couple -- 20 years and open/poly for all of it. Almost all of our other sweeties are/have been friends with both of us, but not all. That person I mentioned was an issue and then we dealt with it (he was going to stop seeing her), but it did work out because there was clear communication between us and with her. I was fine with not having to be around her and when we were, she was respectful and friendly.

I'm not saying that the ideal isn't people getting along and being friends. If everyone wanted that, it would be great. I guess my point was that it seems unreasonable to me to make it a requirement that everyone has to be friends and care deeply about each other. It always seems like an idealized or romanticized fantasy people have early on and puts so much pressure on the various relationships.

Maybe I sound cynical, but I also know that my partner sometimes has friends who I'm not particularly interested in being friends with (platonic and romantic). And, that's okay, he's his own person. Same goes for me. We don't have to be exactly alike.

rory 08-15-2011 11:46 AM

In my case my husband Alec is not in other relationships and possibly mono. I've been thinking a lot of this, since I do want him to get something out of all this as well. I want him to be as happy as I am. :)

And, there do seem to be quite a few things. Alec and my gf Mya are developing a friendship of their own, which has been really nice to see. Also, we are both getting to know Mya's husband, and there seems to be friendship potential there as well, all of us get along well.

But I think there are some things within our marriage, which have been positively affected by poly. Well, one concrete example is the fact that NRE has woken up my hormones and we are having more sex with Alec, as well. The hormonal influence will very likely be only temporary, but more sex has been one factor (among many, of which some not poly-related) enabling us to talk constructively about our sex life, since the issue of frequency wasn't acute. And the fact that we've been able to open conversation is a really important thing. This goes for other areas of life as well: we are communicating a lot more since becoming poly, which really enriches our relationship and both of our lives.

Additionally, there are the changes in me. Well, firstly, I used to be happy but now I'm even happier. And he likes to see me happy and glowing and it makes him happy, too. :) Also, I've made a conscious decision to always be present in whatever I'm doing at the moment. And that includes time spent with him. When I'm with him, I focus on Alec, and concentrate on seeing him as he is and everything I love about him, and listening to him and finding out what he is like. I don't know if that sounds sort of obvious OR all strange. But I feel it is a different way of relating than I had before. Maybe it's something that easily happens in long relationships, but we spent a lot of time just hanging out without really connecting. Now when I'm with him, I'm present, and concentrating on what we're doing together, even if it's just watching TV. This makes a huge, positive difference to me, and I'm sure it makes a big difference for him as well.

MonoVCPHG 08-15-2011 03:22 PM

As a mono guy in a poly relationship I used to think there were specific benefits to having a poly partner. Things like more freedom to do hobbies or spend time on your own while your partner is away with another Love.

I don't believe that any more. That has nothing to do with whether your partner is poly or not. It has everything to do with your partners independence. I don't feel poly partners are any more independant than mono one's in general.

In my case, I think the primary benefit of having a poly partner is knowing that there is some one else as committed to her as I am who will be there to support her with the same level of depth as I am. I guess that is why I see absolutely no benefit to having a partner who has casual releationships on the side.

Bahalana 08-17-2011 03:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 97372)
In my case, I think the primary benefit of having a poly partner is knowing that there is some one else as committed to her as I am who will be there to support her with the same level of depth as I am. I guess that is why I see absolutely no benefit to having a partner who has casual releationships on the side.

Well said. A sentiment which regularly seems to be implied, but is rarely expressed.

dingedheart 08-17-2011 04:28 AM

I think it would depend on what the mono was looking for in the relationship. But picking up a new friend would be very low on the list. In my case not on the list. Its a nice goal and from all accounts possible but I think it is situation dependent. The hope is that they can get along and tolerate the situation and each other.

For me I saw no benefit.

I wonder how many close metamour relationship continue after the source relationship has ended. A non-poly example would be if my sister ever divorced her husband I don't think we would ever have much contact after that...unless accidental. I know I would not seek out any communication....I don't now.


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