After a week of sharing my husband, I freaked. I had a meltdown. I am not proud of the way I handled it - some immature coping tools took over because I was struggling with expressing myself. I was trying to do the best I could. Thankfully, hubby understood clearly what was going on. He made the choice to slow things down significantly with his girlfriend. She was very supportive and understanding. His main focus now is my growth.
I am going through a huge change in my own psyche unrelated to poly. I have had terrible health for about fifteen years now. Chronic pain, fatigue, trouble thinking, sleeping, eating, rashes - the list goes on I am afraid. Well, I have finally figured out that I have multiple food allergies. After changing my diet significantly, I am becoming this new person (all over the last two months). I feel good in my body. My body is working. My renewed health has led to getting off of medications. This all has led to me feeling excitement and hope for the first time in many, many years. I had given up on a lot of things - my career, sexual health, and an active lifestyle to name a few.
So, how is this related? Well, I think I am a little scared of the changes in my own psyche. Excited yes, but scared too. So at this time when I am needing emotional support from hubby, he meets a wonderful other person. So, how does one negotiating sharing so that everyone has their needs met?
In their week of carte blanche, they talked continually. They work together so they see each other many times during the day. They also keep instant messenger open and chat continually throughout the day. When he came home, they texted all evening and into the night after I went to bed. He was very reassuring to me that I am loved and safe, but followed that up with "let me tell what she said" or "what we are talking about", etc. I felt like I had lost him.
How in the world do you work out the logistics of letting them enjoy this experience and all of the excitement, being a part of it without being swallowed by it, and trying to get what I need while all of this goes on? It seems like such a roadblock to what, in theory, is such a great thing.
Your thoughts, words of encouragement, and support are terribly appreciated.
Early in your post you indicated that your husband has realized that you are feeling vulnerable and a little shaky and in need of his supportiveness in your emergence into a new psychological/spiritual and relationship pattern, and he is providing this support as a top priority. That's fantastic! I think the important thing is for you to do what you can, your part, in endeavoring to keep the channels of communication open. Keep him posted on the challenges you're going through and the fears stirred up in the bargain. It is very tricky to communicate such things to a lover-partner whenever he or she may mistake such communication for a manipulative game or ploy, so make sure that it isn't and let him know what it really is... just "stuff" you are going through which you need to verbalize and share.
(Well, if you're an "external processor" like me, you do. My partner of many years is an "internal processor", so we just work through our 'stuff' differently.... I work through stuff better if I can talk about it and feel understood and appreciated and supported in facing an inner daemon or demon. He prefers to go rather silent and inward. >sigh<)
As for allowing and supporting his excitement in this "new relationship energy" (NRE), that can be tough to support and love him in if he ever seems to (or actually does) neglect your need for warmth, love, mutual excitement and energy together. I'd take a lot of time to be quiet and reflective about how you are "triggered" by his enthusiasm for this other. I'd breathe deeply in my heart and know that Life is offering me a growing opportunity here. The NRE is pretty juicy stuff for any of us. It's like a powerful drug. I was so captivated by my new love-interest last summer that I found myself talking with my partner of 12 yrs about him quite a lot. That's a little awkward for beginners in the poly thing like we were. (We were poly in theory but not so much in practice, previously.)
So long as your husband really does love you and is committed to your relatoinship and isn't neglectful of you--in reality--your task is to attend to your heart like a delicate flower which may bloom fully in such conditions as these. You'll know the bloom is happening when you feel joy about your husband's joy in sharing love with this other person, rather than fear or abandonment.
His task is to be as full in his flowering heart that he never neglects you as he opens to this other. Each of you can support each other in these challenges, and if you really do, you are certain to overflow with delicious love.
I'm so happy to hear about your discovery of the cause of your health problems and your wonderful physical health improvement! What a time this is for you!
Pretty much what JRiverMartin said...
I would just add that you should tell him how you are feeling so it does not build up into a meltdown. It is ok to say that a recap of his conversation with her is irritating you. Maybe just ask him to tone it down a little. It is very hard for someone in NRE to realize how often they keep talking about their relationship.
I hope it works out well for you.
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