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-   -   Help! I have a bi-sexual girlfriend! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1310)

Christian 11-24-2009 09:16 AM

Help! I have a bi-sexual girlfriend!
Sorry, for the title, its true, but also meant to garner attention.

My name is Christian and I am in a very good relationship with a girl named Eve. Eve is bi-sexual and I knew that from day one. In fact it was a fight between myself and a lesbian friend of mine to who "got" her. Of course, it wasnt really our decision..lol.

When we started dating, she really downplayed her attraction to girls and lesbian sex. But, after about a year she wanted to start talking about girls. I wasn't against it as I actually have a long history of dating bi and gay girls. I am a pretty feminine guy (ive always joked that i must be the stepping stone for some of them). For, Eve that is not the case as her ONLY sexual experiances before me where lesbian. So, i know its not her "coming out" or anything. If anything, she is actually obsessed with me. (In a good way)

But, now she is expressing that she would like to at some point have sex with girls again. Now, here is where (according to my noob research into this lifestyle) where it differs from what i think most must mean with "polyamory" ...as she says she has no desire to "love" them (beyond that which is what one should do). She made her point clear that it is only a sexual thing she wants. And would prefer me to be present (as in, in the room or house at the time, but not a threesome)

My Response: at first excited as most guys would be with the "fantasy" of girl on girl sex. Then contemplative of what that would mean. I believe that personally I am a monogamous person. I feel that that is what helps me be my best. But, I also actually believe she could have sex with these girls and it not "hurt" her state of stability. She also has stated that she would never want me to sexually participate with her girlfriends and admits it would be a jelousy factor, adding that if I was bi she would be ok with me sleeping with other males. Is this lop sided and bad, even if that is not what id choose to do?

My Question: Is this a common form of this lifestyle? To have one partner who is bi and the only one exploring other sexual partners? I have read many things here stating that ground rules are important and we have discussed them. Also, she has made it very clear to me that she wants to marry me (i have reservations about marriage, but its something im working through) and that she doesnt want to really have girlfriends until we are married. So her sincerity and commitment to our relationship is not at all at question.

Is there someone on here like me? With a wife or fiance who wants to have something similar? How is it for you? I know, from a fantasy standpoint many guys would kill to have two or more girls in their bed, but how does it make one feel that you cant touch? Only be there and look.

Sorry for the long post. Just want to learn as much as I can before making a decision. Thank you.

bookworm 11-24-2009 01:58 PM

I have a partner who is bi, and he has a bf that he sees from time to time. It is also more of a sexual attraction than a deep relationship. Altho, with the guy he is with now I have seen that it is developing to more than a friendship. Which is perfectly fine with me, but having said that, I recently had the opportunity to join them. I have been with him and other guys before, but this was different. I really felt like I was intruding and didn't belong there. And I think in the future, at least for a while, that I'll find somewhere else to be when they are together. I am really happy that he has found such a friend w benefits, but I don't want to intrude on that personal time for them. I also have another relationship, but it is long term and much more than just sexual so its quite different than what they have.

All relationships are different and its just whatever works best for you. But I wouldn't choose to be the odd one out if my so was involved in the bedroom w/o me.

Ceoli 11-24-2009 02:41 PM

First: Being bisexual doesn't equal being poly. There are plenty of monogamous bisexual people out there. Your problem is that she wants an open relationship, not that she is bi.

Second: I would be very leery of any partner that wants something but sets restrictions based upon jealousy. I find it funny when people say "I want to sleep with other girls and I wouldn't be jealous if you slept with a guy, but I will be jealous if you slept with a girl" or vice versa. This is one reason why I don't fit in well with he swinger community because although most of the couples claim to be open, there is a hell of a lot of jealousy simmering underneath a whole lotta denial.

GroundedSpirit 11-24-2009 04:23 PM

Hi Cristian,
I think Ceoli made a couple good points for you above and I'll try to add a little helpful clarity if possible.
I seems to me that there's a lot of misconceptions out there regarding what "polyamory" really is - in both theory & practice. It's complicated - yet simple.
It's my guess (and only that) that the majority of people who find themselves involved with a variety of "poly" (meaning multiple) lifestyles got started down that path from a "sexual" jumping off point. Exceptions apply of course but my suspicion is that the majority got stared that way. Sexuality is a big deal...in human nature, in culture etc.
Right now - you seem poised on that launching pad and are about to take off - but in WHAT direction ? A lot of people like to stand polamory on one extreme and swinging on the other. We tend to drape a net between them to also catch all the possible variations in between. At some point you'll discover where your ship lands - on one end or the other or maybe in the net.
But here's where we see a critical point of understanding you will have to search YOURSELF for.
It appears you are launching from a primarily sexual platform - pretty common. The question now becomes - if in the course of pursuing this path you discover that there is an emotional element enters i.e. some true bonding (love in all it's various variations?) - how will THAT feel to you ? What will it mean to you if/when your GF professes some deeper connection to another person - be it male/female/TG whatever. Or what if it happens to YOU ? How will you both feel about that ?
It's a good discussion to get out on the table right at square one. And keep in mind that your views at a given moment are subject to evolution :) But having the facts and possibilities in front of you are critical to building strong relationships.
Hope that helps some.


Christian 11-24-2009 04:41 PM

Wow,..thanks guys. Keep it coming. Some really good points for me to think about.

I have brought up the idea to her (since she has put retrictions up based on jealosy {ill spell it right someday}) that, if I am present, what if I am attracted to her girlfriends, as I dont plan on that, but know it could be a possible scenario.

She says she is ok with that, and that that is something we could share between the both of us, but it would never be ok to act on that.

And, honestly I don't think I would want to as I dont think that is what would make me happy, but maybe I would "feel" better about it if I was given that choice. Who knows...

I have time to think about it, as we both agreed to "not until we are married" But, keep it coming. This is helpful.

Thank you.

Christian 11-24-2009 04:44 PM

Oh, and Ceoli, thank you for your response. Just to clarify, I was using the title of this thread to just get it read and answered. I do not equate bisexual to poly.

I didnt mean to make it sound like I am afraid of her bisexuality.

Ceoli 11-24-2009 04:47 PM


Originally Posted by Christian (Post 12959)
Oh, and Ceoli, thank you for your response. Just to clarify, I was using the title of this thread to just get it read and answered. I do not equate bisexual to poly.

I didnt mean to make it sound like I am afraid of her bisexuality.

That's cool. Thanks!

LifesRogue 11-24-2009 04:56 PM

great points all.
really helpful to everyone.

im bi and my hubby has always known that. my bf understands that i am as well and they both (shakes head laughingly) get a kick out of the fact they can point out other girls to me and ask my honest opinion from an attraction stand point.

my hubby is a great balance between male and female.
he is very masculine, but he is mentally and physically balanced in the way he lives life and understands things in this life.
its pretty cool.

my bf is very masculine, period, but with a very deep connection to the kinetic world which attracted me to him 11years ago, as i do not typically like masculine guys.
i do not actively search for a female in our relationship, i am just open to the fact that hubby might find a gf one day and we both understand that she has to fit with the two of us, not just him BECAUSE of my attraction to woman.

i do not find all woman sexually attractive or even look at most men and woman that way.
there are a rare few men OR woman in the world that i even look at as attractive, let alone go 'oh wow, they are really beautiful people'
and i look at ppl just like that: who they are over all.

for my bf tho, its fun to workout with him and chat about girls. i often will tell him: (dont judge for this, lol) 'she is a BL Babe, shes all yours' as in if he were to go for that particular chick, i would not fight him for her, as she would be a 'blameless lay' from my perspective for him lol.

NeonKaos 11-24-2009 06:17 PM


Originally Posted by Christian (Post 12920)
She made her point clear that it is only a sexual thing she wants. And would prefer me to be present (as in, in the room or house at the time, but not a threesome)

She also has stated that she would never want me to sexually participate with her girlfriends and admits it would be a jelousy factor,

She wants you to "be present" and watch but not "participate"?

Watching IS a form of participation.

I don't have the training to professionally psychoanalyze this, but it sounds like your girlfriend has issues with controlling others. It sounds like she needs to be in complete control of everything you do (at least when it comes to sex and/or "polyamory". It is not enough to say "Run along, I'm going to have sexy-fun-time with my girl-friend, see you at dinner", she needs to have you breathing the air in the same room at the same time as the lesbian-sex is happening BUT NO TOUCHING (and that would prob'ly include touching YOURSELF).


Christian 11-24-2009 06:27 PM

Ygirl, I appreciate your insight.

I think you touched on what does make me feel a bit strange about it, but to be fair, she doesn't mind if I was to say masterbate to these events. But, yes..I would never be allowed to "join".

Is this something that could be done once and if I just felt like it wasnt a comfortable scenario for me, we could back out without damaging "our" relationship. Or do you guys think its a pandoras box?, that once open...well, im sure you know what that means.

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