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-   -   Finding balance in NRE (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1309)

rolypoly 11-24-2009 07:32 AM

Finding balance in NRE
 
Wow, I have so much knocking around my brain right now.

I posted something about it in the Queer Poly section, but it's pretty dead in there. I've also started and deleted about three threads in this section because I had no idea where to begin. I read something redpepper just wrote in another thread that helped me zero in exactly on what to write here!

So, besides the fear I'm feeling about him having been primarily with men, my new relationship with 'R' is bringing up stuff within me that I want to shed some light on. And I would love feedback or just to hear whatever this might bring up for others.

I can easily get caught up in my life and all the things going on in it and forget to rest, let alone spend time with a partner. I also get very easily overwhelmed with a lot of stimulus around me. Any loud background noises and I'm frazzled. So, in situations like those, I feel like I ignore 'R' just to be able to focus internally.

Right now, I'm happy being in my own world. I think about him a lot and I love spending time with him. But, I can only handle seeing him maybe once a week.

There are many reasons for this. I'm very, very, very gun shy after some pretty terrible relationships. It is so much more important to me that 'R' and I be friends to each other. I am not ready for the romantic side to move quickly.

I also feel very overwhelmed by the feelings I have for him. This is completely new to me. I love him a lot. I feel derailed when I spend time with him.

I am also very busy in my life and just plain don't have the time.

One of the ways in which I am trying hard to find balance with is to both get the space I need and make sure he feels loved. I fear that I am playing a push pull game, which is definitely not my intention.

I've noticed myself trying to reassure him at times when he clearly doesn't need reassurance. So, I'm obviously doing it for me. I am realizing that I have had a previous story that I'm not attentive enough or otherwise hurtful, so I've become used to being hypersensitive to another person's needs.

I also notice that he pulls away when I pull away and I fear that I'm keeping him too much at arm's length.

He asked me about a week ago how to define our relationship. Are we boyfriend/girlfriend, friends with benefits? This question brought up fear and pain right away for me. I cried and explained that my last relationship was so painful that I'm really not ready to be someone's girlfriend. Those particular labels bring up expectations and connotations for me, (they don't need to, but they do).

So, we're still open, still defining and getting to know each other. This is perfect. For me, anyway.

Being poly with him makes this so much easier. He will be away for a month soon. He's going away with a friend of his that is a potential romantic interest, (though it seems that this trip may be a bit difficult because 'R' doesn't want the same things this man wants). I feel relieved and appreciate the time this is going to give me. I don't want things to move forward before he gets back. I need reassurance that he does in fact want to be with a woman and won't bolt to be with a man.

In case I've rambled on and you want the point:
I don't know how to find the balance between giving him my attention/time and keeping the distance/space I need while I slowly learn to trust. I need time to get used to being with someone that I love so much.

JonnyAce 11-24-2009 07:59 AM

IMHO, i think that the time/space that you need is slightly more important than figuring out how much time to spend w/him. it's up to both of you to discuss your trust issues, and hopefully you can come to a conclusion that is beneficial to you both. without trust you can't have a solid relationship, no matter how much time you spend with him.

i could be wrong, and i have the strong sense i'm going to get flamed for this, but it's just how i feel.

rolypoly 11-24-2009 07:07 PM

Why on earth would you be flamed for that?

Magdlyn 11-25-2009 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 12916)
Wow, I have so much knocking around my brain right now.

I posted something about it in the Queer Poly section, but it's pretty dead in there.

We have a queer poly section?

I havent seen it yet. Hm.

rolypoly 11-25-2009 01:09 AM

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/group.php?groupid=3

redpepper 11-25-2009 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonnyAce (Post 12918)
IMHO, i think that the time/space that you need is slightly more important than figuring out how much time to spend w/him. it's up to both of you to discuss your trust issues, and hopefully you can come to a conclusion that is beneficial to you both. without trust you can't have a solid relationship, no matter how much time you spend with him.

i could be wrong, and i have the strong sense i'm going to get flamed for this, but it's just how i feel.

I agree with Jonny here. The trust will come with time and lots of communication. I would air on the side of "balancing" it all out rather than having space/time. I think a little push every now and then in either direction is healthy in order to learn about oneself. Nothing like trying to balance to naturally make that occur. Everyone is different and it sounds like you are aware of your limits. It sounds like you are on a good track.

Magdlyn 11-25-2009 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 13047)


thanks. I posted some.

rolypoly 11-25-2009 11:55 PM

Thanks, I think I just needed to hear the reassurance. It's sometimes hard to keep perspective.

AutumnalTone 11-26-2009 12:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 12916)
But, I can only handle seeing him maybe once a week.

There are many reasons for this. .


As with any relationship, things can only advance as quickly as the "slowest" person involved, else it's precariously balanced and likely to tumble apart at any moment.

rolypoly 11-26-2009 02:40 AM

Never thought of it that way.


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