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-   -   I am so excited!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12984)

jrcx3 08-03-2011 05:26 PM

I am so excited!!
 
So dh and I are wanting to make a triad and we, well I, took out some adds on a few dating sites. I contacted anyone who struck my interest, withered they identified as poly or bi or straight. I contacted people who didn't meet our criteria just to say that I enjoyed their profiles and that I think they are pretty cool people, thanks for being you etc yadda yadda. So we found one woman who met a few basic criteria, contacted her and dh has met her. I will meet her soon and I am so excited, if only to just find and make a friend who shares so many of my interest and my hubby's. I am a little nervous and skeptical because its happening so fast and a bit to 'made for TV' perfect. I can't believe that we met someone so perfect for us, so fast and that she is so receptive to the Triad relationship; not too eager, still very independent and cautious too. If I wasn't looking for a triad this woman and I could become fast friends and same goes for my hubby. I am just in love with the possibilities for the future of our family. I have to get over a few insecurities and fears that revolve around intimacy but I think I am over thinking these things.

I have two friends (women) who I would join to my family in a heartbeat and not bat an eye at the thought of my Dh having sex with them without me. I wouldn't thing twice about him having unprotected sex with them or even telling them he loves them, because I love them so much. They are great friends and I could not imagine my life without them. I know that this is the difference in my feelings of jealousy. I know that Dh would drop this endeavor in a heartbeat if I said I couldn't handle it, he loves me with all his soul. I had to talk him into this so I know that the responsibility is mine and that I am in control of the situation this far.

The excitement of a new relationship is so exhilarating and its such a bonding experience for Dh and I. It has made us communicate so much more and has even livened or intimacy. I love this feeling and I want to keep it going for a while but I also want to start this relationship, its such sweet torture.

nicothoe 08-03-2011 07:53 PM

Okay, I am playing devil's advocate here....

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrcx3 (Post 95556)
I wouldn't thing twice about him having unprotected sex with them or even telling them he loves them, because I love them so much. They are great friends and I could not imagine my life without them. I know that this is the difference in my feelings of jealousy. I know that Dh would drop this endeavor in a heartbeat if I said I couldn't handle it, he loves me with all his soul.

If Dh were to fall in love with these women, and then you told him you "couldn't handle it", would he still drop them in a heartbeat? Despite his professed love for them? As far as I am concerned, polyamory is a door you can open and step through, but not always return. If my wife told me today, "That's it, I'm done with being poly, let's go back to monogamy", can I really discard the others relationship I have? Is it really that easy? Perhaps for some people it is. I know I would be torn, and feel deeply betrayed.

jrcx3 08-03-2011 08:08 PM

you have a great point and I have thought of this. I would hope that Dh would not fall in love that quickly. I am worried about her feeling that she could be excluded at any moment and I would hope that we are mature enough to work through this and communicate. I want her to feel that she has equal standing in this relationship. I think that we may need to discuss this and I am glad you brought it up so that we may address it. I wonder how receptive they would feel to playing the what if game?

What if she falls in love with me and not him? it could go both ways.

nicothoe 08-03-2011 08:55 PM

I read somewhere, I think it was on this forum, that it is not uncommon for triads to ultimately become a V relationship.

While my girlfriend is my secondary, it is important to understand that the love I have for her isn't. Before me, she had dated other married guys, and had on occasion been left sitting at a restaurant waiting for her date to show up. She has been stood up simply because the guy's wife made lasagna that particular night.

While the dynamics of a relationship may be different and unequal, we should always treat people as equals.

jrcx3 08-03-2011 10:13 PM

i totally agree with you on that and it is a consideration that a V might just happen. We are all new to Poly and both her and I are new to an intimate female/female relationship, but on the other hand we are all 30 something adults who are independent in our own right. My Dh and I have the most to loose in this and we are fully aware of that and will proceed with caution. If a V happens I am sure that it will happen on an intimate level but that the friendship will always be there, this desire for a triad is not solely about sex, that fades with time but the intellectual will last till death.

Anneintherain 08-03-2011 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrcx3 (Post 95556)

I am a little nervous and skeptical because its happening so fast and a bit to 'made for TV' perfect. I can't believe that we met someone so perfect for us, so fast and that she is so receptive to the Triad relationship; not too eager, still very independent and cautious too. If I wasn't looking for a triad this woman and I could become fast friends and same goes for my hubby. I am just in love with the possibilities for the future of our family. I have to get over a few insecurities and fears that revolve around intimacy but I think I am over thinking these things.

Now I hate to be a voice of reason ;) but WHOA! I am guessing you're gonna suffer a hell of a lot of NRE if you are this giddy already. You haven't even met her yet and you think she's the perfect woman who you will both love and love both of you and she's going to be your best friend and all your dreams will come true? It will be great if this happens and I wish you luck, but I just think you should temper your excitement with some common sense and caution and take a step back. It sounds like a recipe to get your heart broken when you have this much joy and hope invested in a relationship that hasn't even really started.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrcx3 (Post 95599)
My Dh and I have the most to loose in this .

Why do you think this? I don't see how she has any less to lose as either of you at either this point or any point in the future.

NeonKaos 08-03-2011 11:21 PM

Also, when you meet people in this manner - advertising for a relationship - you don't know if you're going to get some nut or some swindler; they could be telling you just what they think you want to hear in order to get into your life and make it hell.

I'll rain on your parade any day of the week. I've seen lots of times where a person seems to be one thing and then they turn out to be something entirely else. I don't know you but if you were my BFF I'd be telling you the same thing. I'm not saying don't pursue this. I'm saying get your head out of your ass.

jrcx3 08-03-2011 11:36 PM

wow thanks for the support...i am glad that there are people out there who realize I was born yesterday and have not lived on my own since I was a teen and graduated from the school of "Life has screwed me one too many times". I have nothing to loose in this endeavor. My husband loves me and if someone wants to deceive us to steal him away I pity that person. Dh is amazing at reading people, professionally trained on top of his natural skill. He can spot a deceptive person from a mile away. IF this doesn't work out with this woman than what do we loose? I and my husband may feel a little let down but we both wear big kid pants and can deal with it. I am glad you feel its important to 'rain on my parade' or poop in my post toasties but dang ease up a bit on the new girl.

I see so many unhappy people on this forum, communication is a problem, picking the wrong lovers, having devious people in their lives, etc. This is not the case for us, we are not making this decision based on lusty feelings. We would be swingers if that was the case.

What if we are the evil ones in this situation who want to take advantage of someone? Why do you assume that the 'third' is going to be the bad guy?

Just assume that, for some odd reason I may know what I am doing. I am excited about this and I wanted to share it with people of the community. If you had a bad experience I am sorry for that, but please dont hate on me for being unjaded.

jrcx3 08-03-2011 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 95613)
Now I hate to be a voice of reason ;) but WHOA! I am guessing you're gonna suffer a hell of a lot of NRE if you are this giddy already. You haven't even met her yet and you think she's the perfect woman who you will both love and love both of you and she's going to be your best friend and all your dreams will come true? It will be great if this happens and I wish you luck, but I just think you should temper your excitement with some common sense and caution and take a step back. It sounds like a recipe to get your heart broken when you have this much joy and hope invested in a relationship that hasn't even really started.

I am excited and I thought that someone here would share my feelings and be able to relate to these feelings. I am a passionate woman and I like to let my feelings run at times, I dont feel its healthy to keep them reined in all the time. I guess I could be ambivalent to this process but why? I would rather be excited.

Why do you think this? I don't see how she has any less to lose as either of you at either this point or any point in the future.

She does have much to loose but we have a family (kids) and if things got ugly we would have our family torn apart. We have 4 people who would be invested in this relationship, she has only herself. But we are all big kids and can deal with this like mature adults.

NeonKaos 08-03-2011 11:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrcx3 (Post 95623)
wow thanks for the support...i am glad that there are people out there who realize I was born yesterday and have not lived on my own since I was a teen and graduated from the school of "Life has screwed me one too many times". I have nothing to loose in this endeavor. My husband loves me and if someone wants to deceive us to steal him away I pity that person. Dh is amazing at reading people, professionally trained on top of his natural skill. He can spot a deceptive person from a mile away. IF this doesn't work out with this woman than what do we loose? I and my husband may feel a little let down but we both wear big kid pants and can deal with it. I am glad you feel its important to 'rain on my parade' or poop in my post toasties but dang ease up a bit on the new girl.

I see so many unhappy people on this forum, communication is a problem, picking the wrong lovers, having devious people in their lives, etc. This is not the case for us, we are not making this decision based on lusty feelings. We would be swingers if that was the case.

What if we are the evil ones in this situation who want to take advantage of someone? Why do you assume that the 'third' is going to be the bad guy?

Just assume that, for some odd reason I may know what I am doing. I am excited about this and I wanted to share it with people of the community. If you had a bad experience I am sorry for that, but please dont hate on me for being unjaded.


My message to you was coming from a place of love, not from a place of hate.

It is no secret that I am a pessimist, and I live my life according to what works for me. You are free to believe that I mean harm when I say what I say, but I will point out that you are receiving my message through your own filters and skepticism. I encourage you to transcend that.

Good evening.


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