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-   -   considering poly but with a mono partner !! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12976)

febus68 08-03-2011 10:52 AM

considering poly but with a mono partner !!
 
Hi All,

I am in a monogamous relationship but there are times I wish I had other female companions I could spend time with romantically.

A number of times in this 1.5 year relationship we've discussed my wish to see other women but she's not in favor of me seeing other women.

I did meet a married poly woman (her husband was mono and was fine with her poly desires) and we discussed our poly desires. It was just chance I met her (a customer through a job I do part-time lol) but it made me think of what it was (or is) i really want.

I love my girlfriend and she loves me. She says that if i start seeing another woman she told me I needed to tell her goodbye.

She is ready to settle down and get married (she's 31) and I just got divorced a second time after a 10 year marriage (i'm 43 and have had 4 kids from 2 marriages - she has no kids and has never been married). I'm also sterile from a vasectomy (hallelujah lol !).

I definitely have to decide what to do because I keep flip-flopping between wanting to marry her and wanting to have the freedom to date other women. Dating other women I don't think is an option she would be happy about as I shared what she gave me as a condition above.

What do I do folks ? any suggestions ?

Magdlyn 08-03-2011 02:49 PM

Why do you want to marry her, making her your third wife?

Why does she want to marry you? Doesn't she want kids of her own? Or is she happy to be a stepmom to your four?

NeonKaos 08-03-2011 04:45 PM

Sounds like you may love each other but are not compatible in a long-term committed relationship due to the fact that you both want different things. Happens all the time.

You can either drive yourselves crazy by trying to "make it work", or you can be honest with yourselves about what you really want and go find other people who are a better match for either of you.

febus68 08-03-2011 04:47 PM

why do i want to marry her ? good question. because i love her and we do enjoy our time together when we do spend time together.

could i marry her if she knew i wanted to see other women ?

we've talked about this a lot a few times and she gets upset about my desire. i try to tell her that i would still love her if i was seeing another woman.

i suggest non-traditional meet-ups in a half-joking way but she is very conservative and very monogamous. i try to downplay my poly-minded ways but the truth of it is it keeps cropping up in how i feel about women in general.

i don't know. i think our relationship is doomed to end unless i conform to the mono lifestyle way of thinking.

yes she does want a child of her own down the road and if we do marry i would be willing to have her get pregnant through artificial insemination(another donor).

Magdlyn 08-03-2011 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by febus68 (Post 95545)
why do i want to marry her ? good question. because i love her and we do enjoy our time together when we do spend time together.

No reason to rush into marriage for the 3rd time just because you love her, dude.

Quote:

could i marry her if she knew i wanted to see other women ?

we've talked about this a lot a few times and she gets upset about my desire. i try to tell her that i would still love her if i was seeing another woman.

i suggest non-traditional meet-ups in a half-joking way but she is very conservative and very monogamous. i try to downplay my poly-minded ways but the truth of it is it keeps cropping up in how i feel about women in general.

i don't know. i think our relationship is doomed to end unless i conform to the mono lifestyle way of thinking.
Yeah... and definitely put the marriage idea on hold!


Quote:

yes she does want a child of her own down the road and if we do marry i would be willing to have her get pregnant through artificial insemination(another donor).
That, plus your poly nature, are big red flags. Fertility treatments are extremely stressful. Not to mention expensive, and youve already got 4 children to support!

nycindie 08-03-2011 10:48 PM

Why does love have to be equated with marriage and making more babies? From what you've written, it doesn't seem like a best-case scenario for you at all.

Anneintherain 08-03-2011 10:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by febus68 (Post 95545)
i suggest non-traditional meet-ups in a half-joking way but she is very conservative and very monogamous. i try to downplay my poly-minded ways
.

If you decide you do want to try poly, a good step is to probably stop half-joking, but to be clear with yourself and her about what your hopes and desires are. I know for me those "I want this but I'm too scared to say so seriously so I'm going to act like it's a joke so you won't be pissed off if I mean what I'm saying" suggestions keep trust from building in my relationships.

I have heard people who have been openly poly go back to monogamy because they love somebody who isn't comfortable with it, but I don't recall hearing any stories of anybody who has been mono for years and now thinks they don't want to be, deciding to stay mono anyway and be happy about it. I'm sure they are out there, but it seems unlikely since you have actually brought it up to her that you're interested in dating other women, that it's just a passing phase?

Is there a chance you'd decide to stay with her, say you'll be monogamous, then cheat instead because you feel resentment? Have you discussed her options for dating others too if you are dating other women?

NeonKaos 08-03-2011 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 95610)
If you decide you do want to try poly, a good step is to probably stop half-joking, but to be clear with yourself and her about what your hopes and desires are. I know for me those "I want this but I'm too scared to say so seriously so I'm going to act like it's a joke so you won't be pissed off if I mean what I'm saying" suggestions keep trust from building in my relationships.


My husband and I used to joke about me having "boyfriends" but it really was a joke up until a couple of years ago. Now that I have a boyfriend, we still joke about it.

Anneintherain 08-03-2011 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 95612)
My husband and I used to joke about me having "boyfriends" but it really was a joke up until a couple of years ago. Now that I have a boyfriend, we still joke about it.

Oh, I love good joking and I get this! But I took from the OP words that he isn't making a joke at all but phrasing things as a joke that he means 100% seriously because he's scared to be upfront and honest. Not that he doesn't have reason to be scared, but if he decides to go forward that fear is probably one of the things best left behind.

NeonKaos 08-03-2011 11:15 PM

it is probably not a good idea to joke about something if the other person doesn't think it's funny.


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