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-   -   Dont know what to do. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12949)

Dannyboy 08-03-2011 12:38 AM

Dont know what to do.
I have been in a comitted relationship with my fiance for two years. I have 4 children not to her and she has one not to me but made plans for me to adopt him once we are married. Today after a job interview gone bad and several months of depression my finace told me she doesnt want to be in a committed relationship but would like to explore poly after reassuring me that she lovesme and still wants to be married. After a 13 year failed marriage where we tryed poly but failed miserably I am a little scared to repeat the same mistakes again. please any advice would be great.

nycindie 08-03-2011 12:52 AM

Hi there. I can tell that you're a bit flustered by this. First thing I would do is sit down with her and ask her what she means by "polyamory" and how she sees it in her life. The thing is, poly isn't necessarily about not being in a committed relationship. It just means you can be in more than one committed relationship. So, is that how she put it, or how you interpreted it?

There are so many ways to be non-monogamous. It could be that what she thinks she wants isn't poly, or that what you thought was supposed to be poly in your previous marriage wasn't managed well enough or maybe wasn't even really poly, either. You both just need to talk about what it means if you did agree to poly, how you would proceed, and how it would affect the kids. You definitely should tell her how it was for you in your previous poly experience.

Read threads here, ask questions, and invite her to join and post also. This is a big step. I started a recent thread about how to prepare for it and there are some interesting ideas people have shared. Here: Prepping for poly - how? But there are tons more here about opening up an existing relationship, if you search around.

nicothoe 08-03-2011 01:20 AM

So in your previous marriage, when did you try out polyamory? If it was towards the end, when the relationship was beginning to deteriorate, then it is not completely surprising that it did not work out. The broken marriage, add more people is not a solution to fixing a a relationship. It is always best that polyamory is brought to the table when an existing relationship is rock solid, or before it even starts.

As Nycindie said, you need to discuss it in detail, determine what it is you both want, how you will handle any ensuing drama. The more you read, the more enlighten you become, and better able to decide if this is the right for you. Take your time, don't rush in.

Polyamory can be a rewarding experience. If done right, it can actually build a stronger, more trusting relationship.

River 08-03-2011 01:53 AM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 95424)
The thing is, poly isn't necessarily about not being in a committed relationship. It just means you can be in more than one committed relationship.

Most folks seem to equate "committed" with monogamy, but it isn't necessarily so. Not by a long shot. One can have more than one committed relationship.

The big question is... What are we committed to? Honesty is one commitment,
openness, vulnerability, truth-telling, the well-being of the parties involved... these are all possible commitments. Commitment means we're going to give it our best shot, right? We're not going to run and hide..., flee when the going gets tough.... It can't hurt to think and talk about what commitments we hold, why, and how.

liberumcredo 08-03-2011 10:33 PM

Hello Danny,

I think that we are going to need a lot more specific information before we can give you much more specific advice. What was the state of your marriage when you tried polyamoury before? What did you do to try it? What happened that it did not go well? More recently, we need to know some things that, from the sound of it, you need to find out yourself.

As several of the other members have mentioned, polyamoury can mean a lot of different things. I would not rely on such broad terms in any of your discussions while you are at such a juncture in your life. Trust me, it pays to be specific.

You need to know exactly what your fiance needs from your relationship. Does she want other sexual outlets with no emotional connections? Emotional connections but not necessarily sexual ones? Does she want to add a partner to your relationship together to form a triad or does she want relationships separate from yours? Is she interested in males or females?

You also need to know what you need from your relationship, and be able to explain it to your partner. What exactly does her suggestion make you feel? What about the suggestion makes you feel that way? What are the requirements that you have to be in a relationship with a person? What are your boundaries? What do you need to have security and trust? What do you need to feel loved and appreciated?

It sounds like you have a lot of talking to do with your partner. I think reaching out to the poly community was a good step. I hope you are able to find balance and happiness in your relationship.

redpepper 08-04-2011 06:55 AM

Try reading the threads that pop up when you do a search for "lessons" and "foundations."

It seems that you could very well be a person that understands and fits poly as a theory, but not in practice... no biggy, just have an open heart and mind and see what happens. There is no rush and there is no reason to fit a mould. You can go and do as you please.

To me poly is about expansive loving, not fitting in, not getting on it and doing it a certain way, not getting it right, just keeping true to your heart and keeping true to the idea of expanding love. If you do that in a monogamous relationship, that to me is still valid. You can have people you love close to you and not be intimate with them sexually or even emotionally. Its about mindset, rather than achieving poly.

I agree, its hard to answer specifically without some background, but hope this helps :)

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