We did introduce ourselves briefly in another thread, but I felt a quick hello in the "New to..." spot would be good too. I tend to ask and answer my questions in my own head using study and intuition and my wife tends to ask everything publicly. I am going to try to modify my behavior in that regard because I think everyone here is a fantastic resource, and she is likely to interject rarely because she is working on her MBA dissertation.
I'll start simple with a list of stuff and either answer any questions that come up or start asking my own.
We are in Alaska, where other Poly couples are rare as skinnydippers - or so it seems. Yay for LovingRadiance and crew!
We have been non-monogamous for about two and a half years (not counting earlier attempts very long ago) and quite happy with the results in our lives. We are closer, feel able to be open and communicative like never before, and have had...well...great fun.
I've been poly and a few other adjectives since late middle school (but had no idea poly was a "thing"...I truly thought I was unique (read weird), and only rarely did the girlfriends take it well. never tried with the guys)
My significant bother was always just flat out kinky and adventurous. non-monogamy and more recently poly was a true challenge for her. she is very careful and considered and logical in any change and this was no exception. she eventually matches or exceeds my enthusiasm for these things...but it does take a while.
We are older than the average ages I've seen tossed around as the median for poly folks - 36 is what I've seen most often. We are early 40's.
The decision to embrace poly was made before we even knew the word for it. We had begun our non-monog as swingers (but never could get into the "Swingtown" tv-show examples of such - hot tub parties, key parties...no thanks) and of course there were growing pains there but we quickly realized we only wanted to be intimate with couples that we really cared about and who would care for us.
We've retained one couple as friends from those days, because they do allow a certain level of compassion, but the others have pretty much just dropped us either because they think being bi will contaminate them or they think poly is a timebomb waiting to go off.
(i'm projecting here...I have no idea *why* they stop talking to us...except the one guy who said we were insane (okay...he said "fucking nuts") to try poly because it's dealing with unstable female emotions)
We truly have always preferred other couples in our relationships, but 90% of the time is a trio involving another guy. neither of us are so pleased about that, 50/50 would be much more interesting (really, she wants more time with women...really! she says so!) but that just seems to be how it goes...guys are easy.
We would love to find a couple who can eventually really want a full quad relationship with us of lasting and significant love and intimacy...but considering how rare that is for even just two people I suppose it's a total fantasy. Also...she and I are *soooo* very different it might be unrealistic to think that someone just walking by would be interested in both of us.
So we (as our various profiles everywhere point out) are very willing to share to the level of commitment and interaction that those who come our way are willing to share. Had a great exchange with LovingRadiance recently where we talked about balancing what is appropriate in any given relationship with the overall desire to experience as much intimacy and love as possible.
At this time, along with our remaining couple from the old days, which are truly just under the FwB (friends with benefits) mark in our minds - which is our new minimum goal for any intimate relationship - She has a very good FwB (almost a boyfriend if he were willing to make that strong a commitment) who is in the same town she is and we have some new wonderful Poly friends <wave> who are wonderful, supportive, and currently platonic for great reasons.
She and I are separated by work. I live 3~4 hours away (in this crappy winter weather) in the big city in my own apartment and she is in a tiny town with our daughter.
We love each other so very much, and it really gets stronger almost every day as we practice investigating the reasons for any jealousy and discomfort that comes up, discuss what we are comfortable with given our separation, and read read read online forums, online articles, and great reading materials of the old fashioned sort. sometime I'd like to share my reading list and see what others think and would add.
Whew. that is probably as long winded as I've ever gotten in a group - and I've been in I.T. since 1986.
Again, welcome to this group... there are a lot of fantastic people here. I look forward to getting to know you both more.
Thanks for sharing. From reading your story we'd say we share a lot of parallels with you and maybe, as you mentioned about the age and we are closer to your age than most we've seen here so far, we've walked most or all the same paths and find ourselves at much the same point at the moment.
Quads we've always found to be really hard. It's hard getting even two personalities to really click - let alone 4. We'd all but given up on that but remain open - just not very hopeful. It just is what it is. It seems the better possibility for a quad (or more) will be from the coming together of individual triads (or Vs). Unfortunately, as you mentioned (and we have the same preference for 'balance' as you) the guys are "easy" and the "gals" - not so much. Again, just a reality. There seems to be quite a few great gals (intelligent, open) hanging out here and we only wish the wider population had access/exposure to such people and their stories and advice. The possibility of success in lifestyles such as this are every bit as real as any other choice and if larger %s of the population could hear that - instead of all the horror stories, we think the world could be a very different, more loving place.
I feel I can say that (almost) as I turn 40 on the 7th of December!
Actually, you are not all that old in terms of the poly world in my opinion. It just seems like that on here because there seems to be a lot of younger people trying it all out for the first time. In the community that I am in in our city the average age seems to be 36 also, but I think that really the older people I have met are simply just established in their relationships and don't have as much of a need for community or to be out there... perhaps even they have been shunned and don't want to be as "out" as us that are younger.
I remember when I came out as a Lesbian a million years ago it was the same thing. There were some older women that were reticent to be so "out" because of bad experiences and ridicule that they had faced. When a wave of "baby dykes" seemed to take over the scene with their radical activist ways they were a tad freaked, but got into it in the form of supporting us and being more visible.
I wonder what it is about my generation that makes me think that I am at the forefront of social evolution all the time? I always seem to be involved with some way of thinking that is just about to explode on the scene in mainstream culture.. anyone else my age feel that way?
(I find it interesting that most of the young Lesbians I hung out with back then are now married to men and identify as some kind of "bi" or are transitioned to men. Mostly the latter! It's awesome! But a topic for other places...) sorry, a bit of hyjack here.... carry on :D
You whippersnappers always think you've invented everything! ;)
There is a reason they call it middle age. :)
I get a lot of pleasure though in that I can watch young lesbians (etc) who would never of been aware of their tendancies let alone "out" and free to be themselves, free enough to know that its okay if their desire changes too. Sexuality is fluid after all and we finally can almost accept that societially. Even if it seems to be only in sub-cultures at the moment.
I love seeing that played out on the forums especially. And am trying to break free from my "but you are young, that's what you are supposed to feel/do" bias. Along with the "I told you so" thing I do in my head when it comes to people who I have written to where its played out just as I thought. My bad. Working on it folks. Promise! :D
just adding noise to the ratio
So...Junior Member and Senior Member *doesn't* have anything to do with age?!
|All times are GMT. The time now is 09:15 PM.|