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-   -   My icky can of worms lol (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1291)

Ilove2men 11-24-2009 03:21 AM

My icky can of worms lol
So, I have a little time to bring up the topic of sex and how I view it. I've actually realized today that how I think I should view sex and how I actually view sex are very different and I'm starting to sort this out.

It came about through messages with my fiance. I started to wonder why I feel a deeper emotional connection through physical non invasive touching. I have a deep need for snuggling and being nestled into his chest, arms around me. Pretty much cradling. Whereas, when I think of sex I think of... orgasm. Now, don't get me wrong I absolutely love sex, but it feeds a physical want not an emotional need for me. There have been times that I have connected emotionally with him through sex, but it is rare and now that I have really acknowledged this about myself it caused great concern about myself and my view of my sexuality.

And wow.... I'm about to bring up things that I thought I had dealt with and never wanted to return to, but I think I must because I want that pure emotional connection. I experienced sexual abuse as a child/teenager off and on by people I deeply trusted with my well being. I didn't have the greatest childhood and have some abandonment issues. I went through a very ugly stage of my life that was filled with pain and misery and confusion and self loathing. Yes, I blamed myself because I always knew there was something off about me which is why I attracted this sort of behavior from people I trusted. (which are 2 separate issues that I will bring up in the same post)

The first one is easier. About how I always knew there was something different about me. I have always felt a romantic connection with more than one person at a time. I thought I was defective. This is something I am still working myself through actually. The same idea that people who were molested as a child grow up and repeat it. I thought that my urges and wants for multiple relationships was something that was caused from my experiences and that in time I would heal from it and therefore my need for multiple people would go away as well. Well, that's a big N.O. And thanks to a good hard scary look into myself and the help of this forum I have learned that this is me, and it's not an ugly scar from my childhood and I'm not defective. It's just me and it's okay. :) It's still a work in progress though.

The second part is, I have a belief that I need to be in love with someone to have sex with them. But, as I looked harder and deeper I ask myself what exactly does this mean to me. I love my fiance with everything I have, but now I see that when we are having sex it is just a physical activity (mighty fun lol) and there is no emotional connection on my side of it.

All this time, I have been thinking that because I love sex so much and I have truly overcome my past and now I don't think I have at all. Letting someone in physically is way easier for me to do than letting someone in emotionally while being intimate. And... I actually feel guilt about this now that I've discovered it. This is so not fair to my fiance.... and it's not fair to myself either.

I want the feeling that I get when we snuggle. It's a deep emotional trance for me. I feel the world melt away and I am safe in his arms connected to his heart. I feel as though we are one. I want to work on bringing the two together and I think I will have to do alot of digging around to figure it all out. But, with us both reading the communication thread and wanting to really work on our connection through communication I am sure that I will learn to feel safe enough to really open up emotionally to him.

You really weren't lying that poly puts a spot light on EVERYTHING. Things that I didn't even realize were happening. So please everyone feel free to add your own insight to your sexuality and the emotional connection behind it. And all questions are really welcome as they will make me dig even deeper into myself.

Ilove2men 11-24-2009 03:27 AM

So lesson number one for me through this process. Sex with someone you love does not equal being emotionally connected during sex.

AutumnalTone 11-24-2009 03:31 AM

Zug zug fun!

I've enjoyed sex in many different circumstances, some of which involved some degree of attachment--from friendship to deep involvement--and others which involved nothing more than lust or simple pleasure-seeking.

I had to figure out long ago if I was wanting sex with some woman just due to hormones or if there was some emotional attachment involved. There were some problems when I thought I wanted sex due to emotions and it turned out I just wanted the physical pleasure. I learned early that lust is different from infatuation is different from friendship is different from love.

Ilove2men 11-24-2009 03:35 AM

I think what I am encountering is a wall I have built to prevent myself from being emotionally vulnerable in such a vulnerable position physically.

AutumnalTone 11-24-2009 03:40 AM


Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 12867)
I think what I am encountering is a wall I have built to prevent myself from being emotionally vulnerable in such a vulnerable position physically.

Well, that would follow from the abuse. Somebody can take your body but they can't take your mind. Now the task at hand becomes that of leaving that defense mechanism behind.

Ilove2men 11-24-2009 03:53 AM

Exactly! So this will be my focus. To face it head on and overcome the fear of being broken emotionally by someone I truly care about. I know rationally this will take some work, connecting deeply then trying to maintain that while "in the act"... but I can't help but smile because it will be a lot of "fun" work. lol

MonoVCPHG 11-24-2009 04:06 AM

I've come to point in my own sexual awareness that I can't imagine wanting sex without being in a state of loving connection. Even with Redpepper, if my connection is not there because some issue is lingering, not only do I not want sex, but my body doesn't respond.

I've tried just about everything sexually and although I had fun and found it interesting from the other persons/people's point of view, I did not find it arousing for the most part. I'm totally fine with this. Sex used to have a certain power and influence over me. I wasn't healthy in that and didn't act in a responsible way.

Sex is a form of communication for me, not just an activity. There's only one person I want to communicate in that way with, and it is incredible now that I found that!

Better no sex than unconnected sex for me.

MonoVCPHG 11-24-2009 04:08 AM

Just to add to my comment...complete vulnerability has been the key to complete sexual connection and pleasure for me. Opening up with that level of trust takes you to a higher plane..and yes it does come with risks but once you've been there it would be hard to accept anything less :)

Ceoli 11-24-2009 04:22 AM

While complete vulnerability is lovely, it creates a complicated dynamic for people who have experienced sexual abuse, since that kind of abuse creates a strong connection between being vulnerable and being violated.

IL2M, I know what you mean. I was sexually abused as a kid and raped at 12. And given the statistics, I'm sure there are many other people who post to this forum who have similar experiences.

Those walls are pretty necessary for a while in order to create safe healing space for yourself. But yeah, they can be tough to break through when they're not as needed anymore. There's no one real way that works for everyone and different people react differently to such trauma. There are so many variables in that. (I first coped by not being sexual with other people at all for a good period of my life.) It does sound like you've actually already broken through a huge wall by having such a deep emotional connection with your fiancÚ that makes you feel safe. You also have the advantage of awareness.

All I can say is that it's work I have to revisit in my life from time to time, but I'm ok with that. And a good catharsis during sex can be really freeing and amazing :)

Rarechild 11-24-2009 04:43 AM

Whoa, thanks, woman. No time to write but I can relate to lots of this that happened for me after a physically abusive relationship I played victim in. You are beautiful and amazing- keep digging.

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