Early morning choices
Hi. So um, you guys are "Polyamor-s" huh? did i "say" that right?;)
My name is Taygus, and I am a 27 year old female who needs a little bit of advice, direction, a swift kick and some people who have time on this matter under their belts.:eek:
I'm known to be straight forward, and sometimes very... well crass. i guess is the word. so please don't take offense to me. I'm a little redneck and a little under educated... so I am not asking questions to piss people off, i am asking so i can learn something. Please dont treat me like im being an ass- i really truly am not trying. i just sound like i am ;)
Now here is my situation, and this is going to be a long one and i seriously need help with this so pretty please? :confused:
I have been married twice. My first husband was military and quite an asshole. we have a 6 year old son, that he has custody of and that i see once in a great while. (don't judge me, this guy uses his uniform to get whatever he wants as he is an officer. He is shadier then an old oak tree.):mad: i hated the dude after we got married, nuff said i suppose.
I have a husband who i love dearly, and we have a toddler. We are pretty happy and content- he works a decent job with long hours and shy pay.
I am a stay at home mom with my son and plan on staying that way.
I worry my son is lonely, and without the influence of other children will grow up much like i did and be socially awkward and bad with people. I work hard with him on this but honestly other kids around him is important to me... and because of bad child birthing and my health I am not having any more kids and we are not at a range where we can just go out and adopt. ..Yeah we are welfare people but we are not the classic ones who are just on it because we can be so again please don't judge.
Now, add Jeff to this picture. Jeff is in his later thirties and has two boys ages 5 and 9. These boys lost their mom about 2 years ago, she disappeared without a trace. jeff also works a good job with average pay. He is a musician and likes alot of the same stuff Kevin and I do.
Jeff has always loved me and i have always have had feelings for Jeff. He makes me feel happy and content, but in a different way than Kevin does. (i bet alot of you have this same thing feeling wise)
I feel very torn between the two men... What if we could all be together? what if the kids could be brothers and .... Thats where i stop and go "you are a complete crazy person" but i'm finding out that- alot of you may be like this and might have an answer or advice. I am speaking long run here- as in if this goes past anything besides what it is now.
I guess i am one of those people who need other aspects in life besides whats laid out in front of me... if these men truly love me, maybe they would both reach a goal together with me to try this...anyway...
first thing is first... My 6 year old comes to visit and is hanging out with the "family" He goes back to his dad and is asked "did you have a good time?" and he replies "YES me, mom, Jeff, Kevin and brothers...." he gets stopped and is asked "who the hell is Jeff? and brothers?" ..how does that work? I don't particularly want to lie to anyone but there is a limited amount of this that will have to be shared... how have others handled this? for that matter, with children- how do you explain this to them when they ask why this third person is around? What do you tell schools when your son says Me, Mom, dad and *mans name* you know their teaches ask them who *name* is. I don't want to raise red flags, and have people think we are being unfit parents. What the heck are we all called/considered? So i know that I would be the step mom to jeffs boys- but what would Kevin be? for that matter what do you say so that you dont freak people right the hell out or raise flags?!:eek:
Im not sure how our families would handle this idea either- old rednecks and kind of conservative ones. I guess it would just be explained that this is what we are doing to make sure these kids and our selves get what we need from life... ??? yeah... see, im kinda there but here is where that kick comes in. i feel like having the attitude "well you wanted more grandkids so STFU you got em" lol sorry...
now, my ideal is this: The three of us are a closed relationship- no outside people, no sleeping with other people. I don't particularly expect the men to be anything but friends- kind of like brothers...family. Our goal is to be happy: raise healthy happy well rounded kids, and be a family.
i watched this special on this one girl Amy on tv who had two men she actively lived and loved with. They had a child between two of them and it worked, and it was honestly the smartest, loveliest thing ive ever seen. You have good income with two working partners or three if you want... the kids have adults around at all times who love them... and there is more than one person to take care of things when the other is busy or whatever. It sounds ideal to me. like work and good/bad times like all relationships but Good. BTW the tv show isnt why i am here. I am here because i love both of these men and don't want to have to choose.
I know Jeff is open to this to a point. I am not sure about my husband, however I am sure if i explain to him why it is important to me and what pros and cons are we will come to a conclusion if we will go this route or not. My husband is happy and some what open minded- and swayed easily to think outside of the box. hes really a good man who loves me dearly.
Ok so- here are some of my general questions- looking for whatever you guys can tell me.
Sleeping arrangements: Do we share a common bed? do we all sleep separately? kev and I share our bed... is it simple like get a king size bed and have each person pick a side and I sleep in the middle (ok i know this sounds silly so dont be mean)
"sleeping" arrangements: what is the experience with this... group or each separate? which is mentally healthier? it seems to me all or none unless consented is more fair... and since Jeff is the new comer i kind of feel like it should be an all or no- and get used to it because you are both here and this is equal. I know, that is really horribly ass-holish and selfish. I just need a few ideas here. to me it sounds fun, and like it would help keep testosterone levels a little higher and make for a very active healthy sex life. i cant help but laugh a lil bit because its awkward, funny and honestly i know for a fact someone else has had this problem and found out what works...
I know you all probably cant "answer" this but you can give me some ideas and advice.
free time: do we all hang out as a family? does each man need to have separate time with me alone to be mentally healthy? Its probably different for everyone i realize that but give me some pointers... I know i shouldn't spend all my time with just one of them, or whatever... i want to be fair and strive for equal.
ideal: if they are both here its both of them.
so there aren't secrets between Jeff and I or kevin and I... Everyone has to speak their mind or that's where fights happen.
I would think for finances... That our family should have an account that we all put into and use for our family bills... stuff extra like separate spending accounts should be in place. we each need to know what the other is making so that we have our stuff in order... I know this is a very very future thing but i want to make sure i cover everything.
The kids would call each other "brothers" which is alright with me- if they grow up together they are siblings and should be right?
So... that's all i can think of for right now... Please throw questions and comments at me and help me work this though so i have more confidence.
Thank you guys so much :)
Hey and welcome.
I am not that experienced myself, am still at the beginning of a similar relationship structure you are talking about but I think you need to bear some things in mind when going into this arrangement.
First of all: don't lump your men together. If you start this, you will have two different relationships that both need work and individual time and space to develop. Of course there is an 'overall-relationship' kind of thing, but to make this work, don't forget that each of you needs time as a real couple as well.
For the new man in the picture, Jeff, you will find many resources here that inform you about NRE (new relationship energy) and what it does to established relationships and what the pitfalls with this phenomena can be. And don't get testosterone confused with jealousy. It may be positive to have two men compete for your attention but it can be really unhealthy to add fuel to the fire.
The sleeping arrangement is up to you three. Look what you are comfortable with, it's not all the time good to not have a place where you can be yourself and for yourself. Being forced to share each evening and night with two other people could be a strain for your relationship(s). One needs time for oneself sometimes.
How much you want to share with each of them is again part of what you (all three) agree on together. Sit down and talk with them what feels comfortable and what not. Sometimes personal preferences and no-gos are fundamentally different.
That would be some major points I can think of for starters. There are many posts on this forum that deal with the questions you asked. Search a bit and read and a lot will get clearer. As for your question with the children, there has been a post here that introduced some kind of field report from a girl that grew up in a poly family. It is really interesting, maybe you find some answers there as well.
I am sure there is more advice to come. Good luck with your two families :)
I think you also have to take into consideration that your plans, however laid out, probably will not work the same way when actually applied to your lives.
I'm in a situation right now where my husband has a girlfriend and when I once said I'd be totally ok with it and wouldn't even bat an eyelash, I now feel differently about. I'm still not sure what it is I feel but I know it's not what I initially thought would happen.
I think it's a work in progress. Lots of talking, listening and open mindedness.
Thanks for responding, you've given me a lot to think about already! the link is awesome and has got a good perspective.
I kind of figured it would have to be separate a little bit, it makes sense. Everyone needs their own time. I got ya. Thank you for putting that out there for me. In trying to think things though as you can see- i've gotten a little cluttered.
i understand that things always look better on paper :) but play out much differently! its good to hear someone else voice what I was thinking. I have this thought in the back of my head that if things go badly, i could lose both people.... So im going to think, read and whatever i can to learn before i leap into this or any arrangement.
I didn't think of the "sleeping" arrangement things being fuel to a fire that shouldn't be so hot. Thanks for that perspective on this- its helpful to think like that and competition is not what i want exactly. So yeah...
I'm a bit confused. Are you already in a "V" with both men, or just thinking about starting to have sex with Jeff?
Your guys are already good friends?
Jeff has his own place, but you're thinking he should move in with you?
Do you want Jeff, for him, or just to get a second dad for your boy, and brothers for him?
Is your husband all on board with you having a second man in the mix here? Have you worked through early NRE already (new relationship energy)?
Read Redpepper's blog in our blog section. She lives with her 2 men and the son of one of them. She also talks about coming out to her parents as poly. In her house, each of the adults has their own room, and she splits time between Mono and PN, as well as having personal space when she needs it. Unlike you, she lives in a liberal area, so afaik, her son talking about living with "2 daddies" has not been a huge issue.
For now, I'd think other people could just be told Jeff is a close family friend and the kids get along great, so they spend a lot of time with your family.
I dont think redpepper's son calls mono his "second daddy". I seem to recall they were trying to be very clear about that boundary, and i dont think mono WANTS the son to think he's his dad.
That's why I put it into quotes. Just as a role, not a title. Mono does do a lot of parenting.
I think it is true that they have him down as the boy's guardian if something happens to them.
If our relationship goes for more than a fling- yes I'd like us all to live in a community property.
Yes and Yes. I love Jeff or i wouldn't even go there. I love his sons, and want them to be part of my family... not just for greedy gain.
I'm trying to find out as much as i can from people about relationships like this before i bring more of this topic up to my husband. so far he is fine- but I am not going to jump into something that isnt thoroughly thought though, researched and talked about with people who have done the same thing.
and sort of- Jeff and I have been friends for over 10 years. There will be a little NRE but I have read a few ideas from another post about that.
I appreciate you asking blunt questions for me. Thanks. I hope i didn't SOUND like the questions you are asking- :) I will look for the blog from redpepper. I have just barley scrapped the tip of the iceberg on what is on this website. Ive been reading, stopping and taking time to process.
So, don't put the cart before the horse. Sex and NRE first, moving and and co-parenting down the road in a year or so, once you 3 (6) have made the adjustment.
If you just want to be non-sexual, yet romantic intimate partners for the long run, that's another kettle of fish.
Your husband is aware you and Jeff "love" each other? Just trying to get a handle on the intensity of desire, if any, for consummating your love.
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