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-   -   How do I deal with this? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12799)

pursuitofhappyness 07-30-2011 02:40 AM

How do I deal with this?
 
I am in a poly marriage. I know I shouldn't have read it, but I opened Facebook to get on my own account, and found that my husband's page was open. His messages were there to read, so I did. I didn't like what I found. I read messages he has been sharing with his gf, and they are so over the top of how much he loves her, and how they have this awesome electricity, and how just thinking about her makes him smile.

These are things he never says to me. I know I shouldn't have read it. It was so stupid of me. But now I can't shake the insecurity I am feeling.

I just want him to treat me with the same respect he gives her.

nycindie 07-30-2011 03:25 AM

His relationship with her is newer, right? Of course there's a different kind of excitement there. Just because he says things to her that he doesn't say to you does not mean he doesn't love you deeply, and does not mean he doesn't respect you. Let him have his infatuation. If you met a new bf tomorrow, you'd likely be gushing, too, and saying things you don't say to hubby. Let it go... it's a different relationship, and be secure in what you have. Until you found that, were you feeling happy and satisfied? Well, go right now and make a list of ten things that make you happy about your relationship. I am sure it will be very easy to find those things you're grateful for.

pursuitofhappyness 07-30-2011 03:38 AM

I agree...but
 
Thanks for the reply. I agree that a newer relationship should be full of energy and fun. However this is a person that he was involved with before, and we separated over his relationship with her. He lost all perspective on our marriage and family. She came first.

They stopped seeing eachother before because it got too intense, and her husband and I were not happy with what it was doing to our marriages. I had already left him when they stopped seeing eachother, and then he wanted to make our marriage his priority.

I allowed this relationship to happen again. I have no idea why. And now I fear I am going to pay the price of hurt and frustration once again. I am feeling quite foolish.

nycindie 07-30-2011 03:40 AM

So, you have a rule that he is not allowed to have feelings for anyone else? I would say you need to find a way to reach compersion.

NeonKaos 07-30-2011 04:18 AM

Is he treating you differently since he's been back with her? Is your relationship with him healthy? I suggest you stick to what's relevant, especially since you admit that you just looked at his messages on a whim, and not because you had other evidence that he was hiding something from you or being deceptive (and even if that be the case, there are other avenues to explore without resorting to "self help" at the first opportunity). Do you think it's necessary that he know you snooped in his FB? If you truly do have a problem with what you read, then I venture the suggestion that there is something else bothering you that has nothing to do with the girlfriend, although she does make a convenient scapegoat.

But I don't know you and you didn't share many details, so I'm just running the last of the caffeine off the top of my head.

"Caffeine" doesn't follow the "i" before "e" except-after-"c" rule... I tried to do it like that and spell-check yelled at me.

Magdlyn 07-30-2011 04:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 94530)
So, you have a rule that he is not allowed to have feelings for anyone else? I would say you need to find a way to reach compersion.

That's easy to say, Cindie... Partnered poly peeps NEED to get a handle on how their NRE is affecting their primary's feelings. If he's riding roughshod over his wife's feelings (for a second time!) and neglecting her needs, the ball is in his court to pay attention to her, even shower her with attention. We see on RobertCourage's thread how often married polys (men and women) just go ahead full steam with their new person and pretty much completely forget about their primary (and even their children). It's not right. It's WRONG.

NeonKaos 07-30-2011 04:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 94537)
It's not right. It's WRONG.

Ooh i love this kind of rhetoric.

nycindie 07-30-2011 04:55 AM

Hi again PoH,
In your other thread, you wrote:
Quote:

Originally Posted by pursuitofhappyness (Post 94498)
And now we are back together. We decided after working on our marriage, that poly was the life we wanted to have. I told him I could deal with being poly, but I could not deal with the life we had before, and if it became that again, we would not work. He agreed. He has been seeing other people, as have I, and it has been good.

However, now he has started wanting to be with this woman again, who he has remained strictly platonic friends with. I have been against this because of what happened in the past. I began working on my insecurities and fear, and decided finally that I needed to allow him to have the relationships he wants or there will be resentment. So he is with her again. He says this time is different. But I feel a pulling away and distance.

I bolded specific sentences to point out a few things: You said that you two have been working on the relationship and things are good. You said you both wanted poly this time around. You said you are aware that your fears and insecurities are centered on the past, not the present. You said that you want him to be happy and not resentful.

Now, remember, if it's polyamory you signed up for and not just an open marriage, you have to accept that love comes into play. You have diligently done work on your relationship and made room in your life to cultivate multiple loving relationships. Are you going to take it all back because you are remembering the hurt from what happened before, when you both were different people with different goals? You said you've been seeing other people yourself -- have you been holding yourself back from falling in love because underneath it all you really don't want love to be in the equation?

People do change. Relationships do evolve. See what is, not what was. You can't drive a car always looking in the rear-view mirror. If you feel he is distancing himself, that could be your fears playing on your mind. Or it could be that he is just focusing on his relationship with her and is a bit caught up in NRE. Either way, talk to him about it. Tell him you are afraid to see the same thing happen all over again, and ask that he move more slowly this time. Also, you said in your other thread that she is a friend. Go out with her, talk with her, develop a relationship with her, so that she doesn't become some big threat looming in your mind. Find ways to nurture and nourish the romance and love between you and your husband without pointing fingers or claiming ownership. Take care of you, and look at the part that still hasn't forgiven him for what happened before. This is what I mean by working toward compersion.

serialmonogamist 07-30-2011 05:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pursuitofhappyness (Post 94505)
I am in a poly marriage. I know I shouldn't have read it, but I opened Facebook to get on my own account, and found that my husband's page was open. His messages were there to read, so I did. I didn't like what I found. I read messages he has been sharing with his gf, and they are so over the top of how much he loves her, and how they have this awesome electricity, and how just thinking about her makes him smile.

These are things he never says to me. I know I shouldn't have read it. It was so stupid of me. But now I can't shake the insecurity I am feeling.

I just want him to treat me with the same respect he gives her.

I have had several online relationships that are exciting but turn out to be unexciting in person. The textual connection is, imo, its own thing. Someone who gets what you write and writes you back in a way that is stimulating is special, but it may not translate beyond text. Instead of assuming your partner is doing things that he fails to do with you, you could look at it as him doing something online that he can't do in person. The way he expresses himself to you in person may be the most he can muster in face-to-face contact. If he meets with her in person, the textual relationship may not translate at all.

lovinhimloviner 07-30-2011 05:58 AM

I too had done this once actually tonight. I saw a message from M on what I thought was my facebook but turns out it wasn't mine at all. I read one thing hubby said and closed out fast. I admit it was an accident at first but I read the whole sentence after I realized it was his picture up and not mine. I didn't want to read the rest cause my heart can't take reading anything they say to each other. This is the second time I have seen something they have said and both times it was something that hurt me. I am starting to worry that everything they say to each other would hurt my. lol He said something along the lines of he could be or talk to anyone else in the world but nothing compared to her being in his arms or something gooey like that. Maybe I am just backwards but I try not to say something to my OSO that I think would hurt him to his core like that. I am not even going to mention it to him, well for starters cause I am sure he will read it on here, but because I don't want him to think I read his messages. M has asked me before if I read his messages or if I am psychic. I'm' not sure what she meant but she says I have an uncanny way of bringing up the same subjects that they had just talked about. I promised her I don't and him too.
All three M, hubby and I have the same phone. Last night I picked up one of them and it was hubby's. I instantly handed it to him as he was standing right there. He went to his messages, in front of both of us, and deleted all of the messages M had sent him. I felt like he didn't trust me and that he was saying things about me or that would hurt me. I really try to give them privacy but it seems like they still don't trust me. Or at least he doesn't.
It is hard to her the man you gave your life to say something like that to someone else. It is harder still to think that he really feels that way. I knew when he fell in love that I would not longer be primary to him that I would share that role with M but wow talk about a knife to the heart. It is just one of those things that I am trying not to dwell on. I know he loves her like that so some words on the screen shouldn't shock me that way. I don't expect him to say all that gooey stuff then say well and my wife, cause well it would just be wrong on many levels.


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