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pursuitofhappyness 07-30-2011 01:44 AM

I need advice right away!
Hello all...

I have stumbled upon this site in pursuit of finding some help and advice. Let me first introduce myself. I am a female, who is in a poly relationship with my husband of 11 years. We started Poly about 2 years ago, and it was a decision in the beginning I felt was almost forced on me. I'm trying not to make this a novel, but I think some background is necessary. We were friends with another couple for several years, and I was always aware of the fact that my husband had an attraction to this other woman, but I pushed the insecurity down. Anyway, when poly was proposed to me by my husband, it was done in such a way that I felt like it would enhance our lives, and I certainly believe it can if done in a respectful and loving manner as it should be. I agreed to the lifestyle, and my husband asked that I look for a date first, which I did. I found several men to date and one in particular that I connected with. My husband was frustrated that there weren't any women he could connect with, and kept coming back to our friend with whom he has had a strong attraction to. I was very insecure about him developing a relationship with this friend, because I knew they had a deep connection. However because I wanted to make him happy, I finally agreed to let the relationship take place. Instantly it developed into a constant frenzy of texting, seeing eachother, asking me to leave with the kids so he could have her at our home, and putting the kids and I aside. It was a horrible situation, and ultimately we separated over it because I realized he didn't really care about our relationship at all anymore - he had completely lost perspective.

We separated for 8 months. He broke it off with this woman. He decided he wanted to be in our marriage again. And now we are back together. We decided after working on our marriage, that poly was the life we wanted to have. I told him I could deal with being poly, but I could not deal with the life we had before, and if it became that again, we would not work. He agreed. He has been seeing other people, as have I, and it has been good.

However, now he has started wanting to be with this woman again, who he has remained strictly platonic friends with. I have been against this because of what happened in the past. I began working on my insecurities and fear, and decided finally that I needed to allow him to have the relationships he wants or there will be resentment. So he is with her again. He says this time is different. But I feel a pulling away and distance. I am trying so very hard to overlook this and be happy on my own, knowing no one can 'make' me happy, I choose that on my own accord. However I cannot seem to shake the feeling that we are going down the same path.

The bottom line is that I know I can live without him in my life and be fine. I love him - more than I have ever loved anyone. But I realize that I love myself more, and at this point I don't know what to do.

I must sound really crazy - at least that's how I feel. If anyone has suggestions, I would so appreciate it! Thanks!

ImaginaryIllusion 07-30-2011 03:19 AM

Welcome to the Forum.

And no....nothing crazy sounding here.

just3 07-30-2011 03:23 AM

I honestly wouldnt go that path again. Repeating past mistakes is never a good thing lol. A couple months ago I lost a relationship with a ex that I should have known better to date again.. And it was very stressful on teh both of us. Hugs and hope everything works out for you.

Magdlyn 07-30-2011 04:11 AM

When we first opened our marriage, my ex fell head over heels for a woman, and lost all sense of perspective, wanting a one penis policy were I to find a lover (meaning I was only allowed other women), telling me he and she were soul mates, telling me he thought she should move in right away to "help me with the kids and housework"), etc etc.

Also he was taking her on expensive dates, missing our kids' Halloween because he was with her, giving her the same Valentine's gift he gave me (after I'd been with him 20 years and she'd been with him a couple months) so she wouldn't be jealous, telling me one thing and doing another, just lost in NRE and driven by it at any expense.

He had told me before things heated up between them that he'd give her up if I was unhappy. So, I was extremely unhappy and had them break off the sex, allowing platonic friendship only. However, I knew they loved each other and pined for each other. I knew they emailed a lot. I didn't know when I let him go to a wedding and a bat mitzvah of friends he and she shared, while I stayed home with our children, that he and she shared a bed at the hotels. He told me that much later... they didn't have sex, but sharing a bed? Not what I meant by platonic friendship.

FF 10 years. He and I broke up after a 30 year marriage, and 6 mos later, she moved in with him. Probably would've been sooner, but she had to sell her townhouse in Montreal and move to Massachusetts.

My point is, they say they'll give her up if it hurts you, but once they have made that connection, it can't be unmade just because it makes you unhappy.

pursuitofhappyness 07-30-2011 07:13 AM

I can appreciate that. I was too against the relationship starting up again. This woman is married. Her husband also experienced much of what I did. We both felt neglected and overlooked. It was a very hard thing to go through.

I just don't want to be opening another door that will lead me down the same path.

Magdlyn 07-30-2011 02:58 PM


Originally Posted by pursuitofhappyness (Post 94498)
I finally agreed to let the relationship take place. Instantly it developed into a constant frenzy of texting, seeing eachother, asking me to leave with the kids so he could have her at our home, and putting the kids and I aside. It was a horrible situation...

I hope if this does reignite, he can see reason and you can both establish boundaries to keep things feeling manageable for you. Many people here have boundaries about number of texts allowed when he's supposed to be spending quality time with the primary and his family. And you don't have to agree to constantly take the kids out so they can fuck in your house! :eek: He must not neglect your feelings and needs, nor the needs of the kids for their dad.

GroundedSpirit 07-30-2011 03:00 PM

Hey Pursuit,

Have you done much reading/research here - particularly on NRE ?
What you describe on the surface seems typical of that. If so be aware it DOES pass. Things settle in.

I think if you two communicated better - did some common reading & research this would all flow better.

He needs to understand that the NRE phase can be really scary for the other partner if not handled properly. And it could well be either of you that ends up on the "feeling left out" end at some point. You need to develop the skills to work through this - NOT run from it ! Which seems to be what you want to do now by forcing some wedge between he and her. If it's not her it may well be someone else in the future.

Get cracking :)


Gigi 07-31-2011 01:01 AM

Just a warm hug for what you're going through. I know it's not easy.

ihaveasecret 07-31-2011 06:31 AM

It does sound like you are still healing from the past, even though you have reached a good place in your marriage again. I wonder if there is something about this woman that makes you insecure and less confident than you normally would be. You said that when you first began with poly, "I was very insecure about him developing a relationship with this friend, because I knew they had a deep connection." That would seem to indicate that you are comfortable with only a certain amount of emotional investment for your husband to make, but you don't really want him to have a deep connection.

Granted, he went out of control, but if I were you I never would have left the house with the kids for him to boink her while you were out. So you did participate in the craziness by stepping aside instead of shaking him and saying you weren't comfortable with that. So, now here you are in Round 2, and you've begun to make observations that are all too familiar. Whether you are being a bit paranoid about history repeating itself or not, it sounds like you are isolating yourself and trying to figure things out on your own. To me, that would be almost the same mistake you made before by not standing up for yourself when he was wrapped up in his excitement (NRE?).

From all the reading I've done, this would seem to be a case of needing more communication among all of you. Don't let it get away from you this time. If you need it to slow down or limit his time with her, I would think you should have every right to ask for that. You and your husband would also probably benefit from regular ongoing meetings with her and her husband, to work things out so that it is all much more manageable. Figure out what boundaries that all of you can live with. Just my two newbie cents.

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