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-   -   how to go from open to closed? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12778)

Inyourendo 07-29-2011 04:54 PM

how to go from open to closed?
entering into a relationship with hubby with another couple. hubs and I have always been extremely open. this couple wanted a triad for years but after meeting us wanted to be with us. the one thing that troubles me and will be an adjustment is that they want polifi. m not use to that. so any tips on helping me to adjust?

redpepper 07-29-2011 06:37 PM

I'm trying that out for the while because I have a monogamous BF that has requested poly fi. I am resentful sometimes and even angry, but when I weigh out what I have and what we have built I realize its better for me right now. I suggest trying it and seeing what you learn from it. Some people see poly fi as monogamous with several people. I hold resentment from that also. Something to think about.

opalescent 07-29-2011 09:30 PM

How long have you and hubby been with the other couple? I ask because while I have not tried polyfi, the people who have sometimes note that it evolved for them as natural growth in the relationships rather than as a precondition. I'm reading into your brief message here but if your quad is new, polyfi may be premature.

And is this what you want? Your hubby? It's ok if it's not. There's lots inbetween monogamy and polyfi that may work for the 4 of you.

P.S. Love the username! Made me giggle.

Inyourendo 07-29-2011 10:00 PM

its fairly new. we are talking things slowly and doing a lot of talking about expectation etc. we have a pretty decent intimate network so i discuss with them that i wouldnt seek out additional partners but would still like to occasionally play with current friends but when we had a party hubs was being affectionate with someone (that he will never fool around with anyway) and the female of the couple was getting jealous, even though she wouldnt make any demands (she says it's not her place to) I dont want her being uncomfortable either. so that being said, even though they said we can talk about concessions being made, i think there would still be some hurt feelings

Do i want polyfi? no. do I think this couple is worth trying? Yes and our being with other people is very sporadic so I wouldnt want to pass on them when I have been wanting intimacy beyond friendship.

I guess I have always liked having options and I always liked that I felt comfortable seeing hubs just have his arm around someone and now i kind of feel like I have to be uncomfortable about it if she's around. but they are VERY new to poly, so maybe in time they will feel more comfortable with themselves. they are also 10 years younger than us so Im sure that plays a bit in that

GroundedSpirit 07-29-2011 11:29 PM

Hi Inyourendo,

Well, it seems most people attracted to polyfi are in a bit of a place of fear. There's the obvious one about STIs and others that are really more control based.

Can/will you "adapt" ?

I guess that depends on how important restrictions (lack of) are to you. Some people really get a rash over restrictions they don't agree with and eventually it becomes a full break out. Others seem to be able to weigh pros and cons and be content if the pros seem to outweigh the cons.

You are you so only you will know.

It's quite likely though that the request is based on newness and it may well be that even the other couple will get more comfortable and rethink the restrictions they've put in their own life as well.

Probably no harm exploring for awhile. it will either work or not.


Guilty 07-30-2011 01:44 AM

We are new to poly and in a polyfiquad. Right now we want to navigate this/these relationship(s) before considering opening it up to others. Our quad is our primary concern, so we are taking care of it first. We want a solid foundation under our quad because we consider it our family and that to us is more important than anything. I can't even say we will even ever open our relationship up to others. With 4 polys in a relationship together its always a possibility, I guess.

Magdlyn 07-30-2011 07:27 PM

Good luck! After years of being free to be with whomever you want, this will feel like going from being poly to being mono.

Some monos, however, are more accepting of various activities coming short of "going all the way." It's disturbing your new female lover was jealous of your h even "being affectionate with" a friend. Even if actual sex with others has been sporadic for you anyway, think about this. How much can you do with others? Look at hotties on the street and make admiring comments to each other? Cuddle, flirt, dance sexy, give massages, have non-sexual but intimate dates, do non-sexual kink play, chat online, talk about sex without having cybersex, have cybersex, cam shows? Is looking at porn allowed, for some kind of non-fidelitious release?

My gf and I are not poly-fi, but I like my ability to do all on the above list, because my ex was so jealous even when some looking or mild flirting occurred, it felt very confining and controlling. I think even if I was in a poly-fi arrangement with another person or two, I would not be able to give up those other entertaining and nourishing activities.

nycindie 07-30-2011 07:52 PM


Originally Posted by Inyourendo (Post 94454)
Do i want polyfi? no. do I think this couple is worth trying? Yes and our being with other people is very sporadic so I wouldnt want to pass on them when I have been wanting intimacy beyond friendship.

There is no such thing as trying -- you either do or you don't, and commit yourself wholeheartedly to whatever you choose. That doesn't mean you can't put a time limit on it. I would say, if you feel they are worth such an agreement, then everyone get together and discuss what poly-fi means to them, be clear about boundaries, and only agree to living poly-fi for a set amount of time (say, six months), at which time you will revisit the discussion and see if everyone is happy, and whether or not you want some adjustments made in your established boundaries.

I will say this: it wouldn't be worth it to me if they only want poly-fi out of being insecure. If they are using that structure as a form of protection because deep down they really just can't handle poly and "sharing" partners, I would see that as a red flag about their emotional security/maturity. If they want it just because it just feels most comfortable to them to devote their attentions to a limited number of partners and/or they eventually hope to be fluid-bonded with you two, that seems to be a much more tenable situation. Don't fail to ask them why they want it, and to dig down deep to understand where they are on this point.

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