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-   -   Newb and lost (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12758)

Allstar 07-28-2011 11:04 PM

Newb and lost
So Upfront I am not poly.

I started talking to this woman a few months ago. She is wonderful, she popped on me a couple weeks into getting to know each other that she is poly. I understood this and told her it was worth me sticking around and seeing what came of us. We are both into dancing and she travels the country for her specific style of dance. She comes back from one of her events and tells me she saw this guy that she hooked up with on a cruise but nothing happened at this time. Though he would be coming to our town for an event in a couple weeks. She made no promises nothing will happen. Well the weekend has come and passed, I asked her not to tell me if anything happened. Though I don't think it would bother me, I don't want to risk it. Of course I assume they did and that doesn't bother me. But during the weekend she would come up to me and kiss me and hug me, and give me that look that just let me know everything was going to be ok, that on sunday when he left it was us again. Not to worry. I was so calm because of these things, I have a feeling I am going to fall for her fast. I just want to be best prepared for what everything is about. I am happy that she can love multiple people, not exactly happy about her hooking up with someone but I am not fuming mad either. I am new to all of this. The more I read and talk to her the more I feel safe with her, I know she would never hurt me unless it was because we just don't work. I know I would like to one day be her primary. Whether I embrace the poly lifestyle or stay non-poly. Any advice at this point is more than helpful, books, tips that helped you anything.

opalescent 07-29-2011 01:35 AM

Take a look at "The Ethical Slut" and "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. You do not have to buy into everything in either of these books but they will introduce some basic concepts.

Have you talked with your new love interest about what you both want? That's always a good place to start regardless of where you end up.

Allstar 07-29-2011 01:59 AM

Yes we talk everyday about it. We have discussed how it works, boundaries, informing each other of a new person, limits. She is very understanding with me and patient. I am doing my best to understand and be there for her. Whatever that aspect may be.

redpepper 07-29-2011 03:41 PM

It would be a really good idea I think to find out about how she sees sex and love and everything in between. Are hook ups how she sees poly for her self? Or is she looking for a poly fi situation? Is she looking for a primary? Or does she want to be single and have many lovers? All big questions and might mean that you can get some idea of where you stand in terms of future, longevity of this relationship and boundaries you might have.

There is a book recommendation thread sticky here and TONs to read. Maybe do a tag search for what you find interesting and get her involved. "Mono/poly" comes to mind as does "lessons" and "foundations."

Allstar 07-29-2011 04:29 PM

Talking with her, she is looking for a relationship with someone. We are still building ours because she has been hurt in the past (poly couple) and it will take time between us to show that the fears she has from them won't happen from me. I know if I do enter into a poly relationship with her, she has stated that I am the closest thing to a primary and she doesn't see me being unseated from that position. She also has a fwb, she has stated that she would either keep him or find a gf closer to replace him. She is looking to settle down eventually and have a family and kids. Also I am on the fence, I am not sure if I can do this as a mono or poly. I am interested to explore and see what I can do. I don't want to force her to commit to me and only me, but I know we have talked about it and it is a possibility. I feel that it is wrong for her to give her life up, that is why I am here and looking, reading, trying, and just seeing if this is something I can really do. When I get back from my work trip I have three books I am planning to pick up.

nycindie 07-29-2011 11:02 PM

If you haven't discussed safer sex practices, that is another important thing to talk about.

Allstar 07-30-2011 12:14 AM

That is something we have discussed rather recently. Everything will remained wrapped between her and I and any of her other partners. Seeing that she only sees him at events about 6 or 7 times a year this is a small introduction for the time being into a poly relationship. I don't have to worry about anymore partners due to the fact she is polysaturated with two people.

Thanks again guys, as you mention things to me I find that I am already covering my bases. I told her the other day that I joined a forum and she was shocked by it. Her face lights up when I ask well formed questions about all of it or things that pertain to her. I still make sure that she understands right now I am just trying to gather information and I don't know if we will be mono/poly or poly/poly or if I will have to walk away because I can't handle it. Though I feel the last one isn't going to happen. But anyways thank you all for the support, I know I appreciate it and in turn she appreciates it.

Allstar 08-14-2011 07:22 PM

Here is an update. We have been talking and she says that if we decide to make a run at this, this is how it will be. She doesn't want her secondary to be local. She is more than happy just seeing him at events randomly throughout the year and continuing to talk to him on the phone and computer. Recently I have been reading more and more and talking to friends of mine. Everything I see seems like it ends in flames. I know there are happy stories on here and I would like to hear some words of encouragement. I also wonder how do you get over the feeling of not being enough when she is with the other guy? I have had years of women telling me I am not good enough for them so this plays a small part of things. I know that I am enough for her, but I am damaged goods and it worries me that my thoughts will creep in and I won't be able to handle things. I continue to work at things but I think I am hitting a road block and need some help. She is taking me to a poly meet up this week where they talk about issues they are having and get opinions from others. I told her I would attend but I just wanted to sit back and listen. Is this the right step to take, should I not go, or should I try to participate more?

Anneintherain 08-15-2011 07:07 AM

I am not sure how useful my response will be -
There are happy endings. Sometimes there are unhappy endings. My ex-husband and I became poly, divorced due to things totally non poly related but that being poly kind of brought to light. Married a second time to the guy I had been dating for 6 months at the time we separated. Mono for awhile, poly again for awhile - of course with me, I have actively wanted to be poly in all these situations, so for me things are going well. If you want to actively not have poly in your life, or struggle with it a lot, maybe you won't have a great outcome. Keys for me are communication, honesty, love and actively trying to be understanding and work through problems.

I am sorry women have told you that you're not good enough for them. Screw em? If she isn't telling you this, then enjoy. I'll suggest reading books on self esteem (good for everybody) I don't worry that I'm not enough for my husband or my boyfriend (I mean, the former has a gf, the latter has a wife and a gf, and I have a husband a bf and somebody else I'm dating - that all contributes to a lot of happiness for everybody, but if I was mono again tomorrow, I'd still love my husband just as much.) I love my husband, my ex, my best friend, my bf, and my sister, and they all contribute something wonderful and unique to my life. That's why I don't worry that when I am with them they wish they were somewhere better than with me. I am guessing your girlfriend doesn't think anything dissimilar. She is with you because you make her happy as hell I imagine.

One non poly focused book which I always find helpful is "If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path" by Charlotte Kasl. Whenever I get stressed or panicked or worry I'm not enough, I open that up and find something to calm me. I can't recommend that highly enough to everybody.

So poly meetup - sure go! If you are feeling stressed out, sit back and be quiet. If you can handle it, think about if you might be able to be interested in anybody else there, sit with if you might be OK being interested in a second partner, figure out if the idea repels or attracts you. It will give you food for thought on if you want to be mono or poly, let you see interactions between other poly so you have a better idea what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable. No hurry to act or decide anything. I attended a poly potluck, and kept quiet and listened mostly, and it is OK. Just do what feels natural to you, if you feel extroverted great, if you don't, don't sweat it. If the idea of being there stresses you a lot, you can always drive separately and meet out front, so if you need to escape you aren't stuck staying there longer than you're comfortable.

Allstar 08-15-2011 11:17 AM

She is simply amazing to me. I feel very lucky to have met her and have a chance with her. I am the first person she has dated in 2 1/2 years after a triad went horribly wrong.

As for my self esteem that is my thought process I know I am a catch, I just have a bad choice in women. Mostly the women in my life have said I am not enough when I tell them I am unwilling to leave the military. I totally understand where they are coming from. Last year I was gone 287 days in various countries around the world and unable to tell them where. It is a lot to ask of anyone. It usually lead to them leaving or cheating. So when I mention about not feeling enough it isn't an active emotion more like something I think that will creep into my mind over time the more she sees him. Perfect example. I leave in the end of Oct for afghanistan once again. I have four free weekends, 3 of those she will be at dance events with him. Possibly all four of them. To me I know this will feel like I am unimportant. I understand it is her love for dancing that is taking her away from me those days but I will be sitting at home thinking, wow I am leaving and my bday falls in this time frame and she is spending it with him. It is just a rough situation for me and I have the foresight of what I am going to be feeling in that situation and it scares me. Emotions typically run high before I deploy. I start to switch mindsets and pull away from being my typical fun loving and romantic self to an alpha male mind set out of necessity. I also start to deny myself the feelings I come to love when being with someone to prepare to leave them for the four months I am gone. So the fact that will be a change in me and the given situation I worry about it.

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