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-   -   Feel like walking out of this drama scene (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12751)

Clearheart 07-28-2011 08:12 PM

Feel like walking out of this drama scene
 
I got involved with a polyman and his 'easy going, confident" gf is going crazy now, he wasn't totally honest with her in the beginning about me, and was somewhat vague with me about his polyamory and now i feel somewhat stuck in the middle as they debate out what they each are feeling, i feel like i am stuck waiting for them to sort it out and then i MAY get to be included, in the way they decide. I am interested in a triad and it looks like she is not, i was just manipulated i guess. anyways i am thinking that i am not enjoying the drama and i am just going to walk away from them...
I don't mind sharing him, but i need it to also fill my needs and i feel like because she is so dramatic that is has all become about her, and her judgements on his ego and me because i am 20 years younger than them.
i think i may just stick with my intention af finding a woman first and the guy will follow. Somehow, though i am unexperienced, i feel like this way may work out better.
I guess i thought these two would have it together more because of heir age. Guess i was wrong.
Any advice is appreciated.

redpepper 07-29-2011 02:30 PM

My advice would be to be more empathetic, realize you do not know everything about there situation, stop having expectaions about any of this and see where it goes. Things don't just magically work out at the snap of your fingers because YOU want something. You have to work on it, show compassion, consideration for all and be patient.

Frankly your post shows no sign of concern for her at all or patience enough to be involved with a process that might well create a beautifui relationship if you choose to engage in it. Besides, what's wrong with a vee where you date him and find yourself a girlfriend?

Try doing a tag search for "foundations" and "lessons" and read around here a bit. There are many poly configurations you could opts for if you decide not to program one in and just go where it leads you.

Clearheart 07-29-2011 03:58 PM

Yes, i guess i could show more compassion, but i feel like the one that is being left out with no one to talk to, they have eachother and i am supposed to just wait till they decide if i should stay. I am more the type of person to take control of my life and not let it be in the power of others. I guess i am only looking at it through my eyes, i think i will just step back and see what happens when the smoke clears. And in the mean time try to fill my needs myself. thanx for your perspective.

Magdlyn 07-29-2011 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clearheart (Post 94378)
Yes, i guess i could show more compassion, but i feel like the one that is being left out with no one to talk to, they have each other and i am supposed to just wait till they decide if i should stay. I am more the type of person to take control of my life and not let it be in the power of others.

Then you may not be unicorn material! It's always gonna be 2 against one, imo. How long have they been together?

Quote:

I guess i am only looking at it through my eyes, i think i will just step back and see what happens when the smoke clears.
Yes, when I made an attempt to get into a V with a married couple, I gave the metamour, the wife, lots of time to get used to me being in the mix, kept emphasizing I didn't want to put any pressure on her, or harm their relationship if I could at all help it.

Quote:

...And in the mean time try to fill my needs myself.
Need for emotional connection? We're a great group of people who can relate to what you're going through.

Sexual needs? There's always masturbation/porn/fantasies or FBs/FWBs for that, while you wait for Mr/Ms Perfect to come along...

LovingLove 07-29-2011 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clearheart (Post 94378)
Yes, i guess i could show more compassion, but i feel like the one that is being left out with no one to talk to, they have eachother and i am supposed to just wait till they decide if i should stay. I am more the type of person to take control of my life and not let it be in the power of others. I guess i am only looking at it through my eyes, i think i will just step back and see what happens when the smoke clears. And in the mean time try to fill my needs myself. thanx for your perspective.

No, you are not supposed to or expected to sit and wait. You can carry on with your own life, DO take control of your life and don't give them power over it. This does not mean you need to say now or never to them though. Keep your heart open to them, give them support as they need it and request it. While they are figuring out their own shit you can keep living your life. If/when they approach you with whatever situation they believe will work for them you can then choose if it will work for you or not.

It seems to me you see that the only why you can take control of the situation is to walk away. But you can take control of your own situation by living a happy healthy life until they actually come to you with a choice to make.

Clearheart 07-29-2011 05:46 PM

Thanx
 
Thanx for the advice, it is good to hear from people experienced in this.:)

redpepper 07-29-2011 06:45 PM

Really you are going to have to get used to going it alone a lot more in poly. Why not start now? Monogamy means being someones everything and they being yours. You won't ever be someones everything so if that is an issue either don't do it or get about finding others to spend time with, or make other areas of your life hold equal or more weight and attention.

You always have us to talk to an bounce things off of :)

River 07-29-2011 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 94386)
Then you may not be unicorn material! It's always gonna be 2 against one, imo. How long have they been together?

Leaving aside the particulars of this specific relationship, and looking at the broad statement quoted here about "2 against one", I must throw in my own two cents. As a generic statement, I think this is very unfair to couples who might like to have a very balanced and genuine triad. This (quoted) statement, generically applied, assumes that everyone will engage in some sort of unfair and unkind ranking system based on longevity of relationship, etc. Perhaps few people are mature and sophisticated enough to transcend these ego games, but no people?

PipersGirl 07-29-2011 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 94411)
Really you are going to have to get used to going it alone a lot more in poly. Why not start now? Monogamy means being someones everything and they being yours. You won't ever be someones everything so if that is an issue either don't do it or get about finding others to spend time with, or make other areas of your life hold equal or more weight and attention.

Wow! I think you just distilled the base issue in my relationship and one I hadn't even considered... so thanks!

And I agree wholeheartedly about finding things that not only occupy your time, but that you enjoy and are passionate about. This could be other people or hobbies or a cause. Something that fulfills you is very satisfying and makes your relationships even stronger. (And I'm mono in my relationship so I have a *lot* of alone time to deal with...)

Magdlyn 07-29-2011 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 94414)
Leaving aside the particulars of this specific relationship, and looking at the broad statement quoted here about "2 against one", I must throw in my own two cents. As a generic statement, I think this is very unfair to couples who might like to have a very balanced and genuine triad. This (quoted) statement, generically applied, assumes that everyone will engage in some sort of unfair and unkind ranking system based on longevity of relationship, etc. Perhaps few people are mature and sophisticated enough to transcend these ego games, but no people?

Sorry River. But in having been dating now for 2 1/2 years I have been led on, and outright lied to by so many men who are in relationships with another woman.

Oh, she's fine with it
Oh, she's way too vanilla, I need a kinky partner
Oh, she knows about you (she didn't)
Oh, she's a lesbian now, we haven't had sex in 3 years, we're only together for the kids, I want YOU
Oh, she was fine with my last gf that I saw for 3 years (and then his wife dumped them after he and I had had 3 dates [no sex] and he was too grieved to continue dating me)
Oh, we've been divorced 5 years, I am totally over her (and yet, she's obsessed with tormenting him using their kids as pawns, so now he has no energy to date me-- that's the latest guy)

And that's just me. Of course, how many people here have been hurt in the same way? Lied to, told hopeful half truths, manipulated...

Who knows what the percentages are on successful triads or Vs compared to total heart rending disasters?


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