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-   -   Newbie ethical issue (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12746)

VeronicaE 07-28-2011 06:56 PM

Newbie ethical issue
Hi there

I've been researching the files, but I couldn't find one on this specifically.
It's kind of difficult to for me ask, silly as it is.

I know I love my husband. We've been discussing poly/open marriage for a year now.
I know who my other romantic interest is, and so does my husband.

Still, I met someone whom I would happily have recreational sex with (I had very few sexual partners in my life, so it's kind of thrilling for me). I don't think that's wrong in itself. My husband is also aware of this.

The question is he's married and cheating. If I go ahead, I would be his accomplice, so to speak. And I don't like that. But I'm talking recreational sex here. Should be held responsible for the way he handles his relationship with his wife? Still, I would be part of it, somehow, so I can't make up my mind...

I would very much like to hear you views on this.

Warm regards,


Minxxa 07-28-2011 07:51 PM

I'm sure you'll get a variety of responses on this one. And everybody seems to have their own take on it.

For ME... I won't date somebody who is married and is not in an open relationship, in that his wife knows he's seeing ME, and hopefully I would talk to her before anything happened to make sure she's REALLY on the same page.

In my opinion, someone who is cheating on their spouse is being dishonest, disrespectful and selfish. These are qualities they are expressing to the one person that supposedly means so much to them. Why would I think they would not at some point express those same qualities to me? If someone is dishonest with their spouse, they are comfortable being dishonest and secretive and I can only expect they will be the same way with me and that's not something I want or need in my life.

The whole "well he lies to HER, but not to me", or "he cheated on HER, but won't on me" pattern that sometimes women (not implying YOU) get into is just nonsensical.

That's the selfish reason. The other reason is that I just don't think I can separate myself from being a part of somebody else's humiliation, misery, suffering and drama, if I'm playing an active part in the scenario that creates that. No, it's not up to you to handle his relationship with his wife, but if you knowingly go into that relationship KNOWING she is being lied to, cheated on and disrespected you ARE playing a part.

Some people have no issues with that, or are better able to separate their responsibilities from others'. I can't.

And lastly... it will blow up on him at some point, and when it does, how much of the blowback do you want to be caught up in?

Again... just my opinion on the matter...

MonoVCPHG 07-28-2011 08:03 PM

I've been that person and have written a lot about it on here. Over two and a half years after the affair and I still can't forgive myself for hurting someone I didn't even know (her husband).

It's not worth it...it damages you.

opalescent 07-28-2011 08:44 PM

What Minxxa and Mono said...

And my two cents.

For me, it's moral to have responsible, ethical casual or recreational sex. But those two words are critical. I would not be involved sexually with someone who would be cheating on a partner. I meet the significant others at some point, openly, as a potential interest, and they meet my SOs, particularly my wife who is my primary relationship.

You are certainly not responsible for how he handles his relationship with his wife. However you are responsible for any relationship you have with him. Even for a casual fling, this is a terrible foundation. I would lose respect for myself. Would you? What about your husband? Being perfectly ok with non-monogamy may not extend to approving of you helping another man cheat. I would be concerned about losing the respect of my spouse.

And even if your prospective fling never tells her, never gets 'caught' - you would be in a relationship with her too. She just doesn't know it. Why in the world would you want such drama in your life? I urge you to run, not walk, from this situation.

As someone who's dated men and women, I've learned that men, bless their hearts, are easy. There are scores and scores of men out there who would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be your recreational plaything who are not married or committed, or, if they are, their wife/SO is hip, onboard, and totally down with the situation. In fact, she would love to have you over for tea and girl talk. (Ok, I exaggerate about the tea part.) In fact, to get interest, all you have to do is sign up on an online dating site as "female". Seriously, that's it. You will have no trouble finding potential casual sex partners among men. (Women-different story but cheating still not a good idea.) So, again, run, do not walk, away from this man. There is no upside for you.

nycindie 07-28-2011 10:17 PM

Do you really want to be the reason a man lies to his wife, someone he supposedly loves? Turn the tables - how would you feel if you found out your husband had lied to you, covered up his actions and desires, and manipulated situations so he could go stick his dick in someone else's slit?

Personally, I could not be a party to such dishonesty.

River 07-28-2011 10:44 PM

I'll echo the other posters. Not a good idea. Not worth it.

VeronicaE 07-28-2011 11:14 PM


Originally Posted by Minxxa (Post 94257)
I just don't think I can separate myself from being a part of somebody else's humiliation, misery, suffering and drama, if I'm playing an active part in the scenario that creates that.

No, I don't want that on my conscience, actually.

polyexplorer 07-28-2011 11:30 PM

Hi VeronicaE,

It's not that an uncommon experience I think what you are going through. My brother is going through the exact same thing at the moment. He is single, but has developed an attraction to a married woman and she is really keen to move ahead with him, but he is uncomfortable with the secrecy etc and so is slowing things down and encouraging her to talk to her husband. They are virtually separated but living under the one roof. She comes from a strong religious family and it is very difficult for her to talk to her husband and family, but ideally this would be best...

But it is not a black and white situation.

Does the guy who you are interested in want to be with his wife? Are they married but essentially separated? Does he actually love both of you?

The healthiest scenario for all concerned is openness and honesty. But that is not always possible for all concerned for many different reasons. Only you know your situation in all its complexities - trust your gut instinct and let it lead you...

VeronicaE 07-28-2011 11:40 PM

Thank you all for taking the time to answer.
It's what I needed to hear to make up my mind and nip it in the bud. I consider myself somewhat repressed, so I though maybe I was overreacting or something. I guess I have to trust myself more on these matters.
Mono, I'll search your posts.
Opalescent, you made me laugh :). But you also reminded me the sea is full of fish, thanks!

opalescent 07-29-2011 01:28 AM

*ahem* I've had some luck with plenty of fish.com. It's not a website that I would recommend if you wanted a serious relationship, and you will have to be very clear that you do not want to help someone cheat. However, I did meet Oil Man there and have gone on some fun dates. It's free too.

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